January 2017

8 01 2017

Had a biopsis done yesterday.  No fun.  Just waiting for results.  Still in a kind of shock and trying to process this.  Just got a notification from social security that i am nearing the end of my trial work period and they will make a determination soon about wether to continue benifits.  No question they will be denied . .  and now, when the possibility of surgery loams ahead, and soon, my medical coverage ends.  nothing but trajety no matter what i do . . how i strategize for the future. No words of support from Darrell, he didn’t want to hear about it, just ask for more money, more money for his weed.  perhaps that’s all it ever was all along.

 

Jan 14

Still waiting for Biopsis results.  They are in but no Nurse is available untill Tuesday to discuss these results.  Everything feels like it is collapsing all at once and perhaps it is.  I let Darrells indifffernec get to me in the deepest part of my soul and it has confused me, haven’t been able to THINK, get my social priorities straight and it has cost me personally and at the work place.  As always . . . i use the right tools to rise above whatever in life is causing me distress untill something happens to put a chink in that armour,  turn bad energy inward, against my self . . perhaps it is a cry, or a safe way to protest . . .but the self destructive ‘collapse’ even when its repaired quickly can cast a shadow on other areas of my life.  it provides excuse for anger at  karen, the problem.

I think it would hurt anyone to feel like their partner, on hearing the news that ones life may be in jeporday, that one MAY die, or go throw a devestating illness says that it is spoiling his high.  he doesn’t want to hear about it.  it makes  person feel so alone.  having to face stuff alone. Seems like everyone has ganged up on me lately . . . it was my faliure of professionalism to let it influence my preparedness or focus on the job . . . but this is an old story that has been going on for years.  I just wish they would hurry up and give me the results . . . this waiting and waiting is terrible.  what will i do if it’s cancer.  Especially if i lose insurance to pay for treatment??  I am not living in a sympathetic environment . . . perhaps i could just pick up and travel someplace before I can’t.

After everything i do for people . . they shrug and say thanks but still,  I am the problem, my  cancer concerns , concerns about fatality , the future . . it spoils our high. Just keep paying for that high untill you die.  pretty damn brutal . But then . . it always was . . . i just learned to cope with it, and find a way to nourish myself and ignore people or rise above what i knew they were doing.  I even was able to find my own happiness . . .

i fucking wish they would hurry up and give me the results.

 

1/16

Wow.  i can’t believe that Trump smacked John lewis like that, on Martin Luther King Holiday too.  I know that Trump is making a statemnt  like if you attack my capabilities and qualifications  i will give back as good as i get and i get i don’t care who you are, no one is above getting it back . . . but . . . .jeez, John Lewis is an icon, and he is a nice guy too.  I don’t think Trump realizes the place Lewis   holds in Black peoples esteem.  He is really playing with fire.  What, does he WANT a riot??? Before he even gets elected??  That is NOT good diplomacy. it’s not diplomatic at all.  its provocation.  I dodn’t think that guy is going to last very long.

1/17

yeah!! I’m good to go.  Growths were benign.  No cancer!!  Still fat and sassy..Especially fat.

1-22

tired.  so much to write about but asthma, triggered by exposure to strong cleaning supplies at work has my ass wupped.  Darrell and i getting on now . . . he has been sleeping on his couch which has aburpt sides and isnat long enough  and it is causing headaches , neck aches and back aches.  i got him  a two tiered inflatable mattress.  he cant get off the floor when the mattress is on the floor.  I was hurting when he didnt give me  some support when i called the night of my biopsis.  I really retracted .  But . . . .i guess we have a bond,

Many thoughts about recent events but . . . that asthma . . . woulod rather journal when i have enough oxygen.

1-23

Feeling better. But have a nightmare hangover. woke up calling out,

The dream;

I was the head cook in a large  assisted living type facility, which also seemed to be a group home with many wings.  Iwas searching for the day’s menu.  Everywhere I looked i could not find it.  i was spending a lot of time searching for the days menu .  I was trying to call Jan, my supervisor.  Once again, i could not locate her number any where . . i had my tablet but in the dream i could not manage to bring up the number.  I was becoming very distressed because i would not get breakfast out and lunch started. My tablet broke in two.  I was ready to cry.  i decided to quit because it was hopeless.

it was one of those cook frustration nightmares . . . anyone who has ever worked as a cook has probably had this nightmare.

I am training on day shift this morning .  i trained last week on day shift at two places.  I fell asleep the week earlier on my second overnight, not for very long but that is a no no so they changed my schedual around. Dang, i rather liked those ON shifts . . . it was like my refuge.  I got paid for being left alone to watch Magnificent Century , my Turkish soap opera.  Now I have to do some real work again.  Actually, I had as much to do in the mornings, during my overnights as the day shift.  it’s more spread out during the day shift.   I also have other job offers to consider that are closer to home and that is tempting . . so i have some decisions to make in the next day or so.  They have some home care sleep overnights with cranky older people available . . i can deal with that, hell yeah, Cranky old guys i know something about, it won’t faze me.

The only problem is i have to renew my license soon.  They were supposed to send out the paperwork last week but i haven’t got it yet.  My current employer pays for that license renewal . . . but not  if I give notice of course.

Yesterdays news was dominated by the women’s marchs.  I listened to the speeches by Gloria Stienem, Micheal Moor, Scarlett Johansen and Elizabeth Warren.  I also started crocheting a pinkish hat16174637_10212428147998534_3629186294958863549_n . . ever casting an entrepreneurial eye on circumstances.  There’s a whole lot i could write about ‘the love’ that social justice movements believe they are embracing this year . . . .and i could write a lot about times when it was not so loving when it was targeting me . . . I seem to remember Micheal Moore refering to me back in 2004 or so as a ‘piece of shit.’  On t.v.  And i wondered as far back as madison days where are the feminists like Gloria Stienem when awfull commercials were being broadcast with hidden messages viciously mocking me . . plenty of women GOT those hidden messages and found them entertaining.  The was a time when i felt some of the worst hate crime in America was woman on woman . . . and that some of the worst mysogany was on the left . . .  but why rehash all that.  It’s all been said before . . . it only antagonizes people who are NOT so cruel these days , . . time allows people to forget everything. Almost.

 

On my  FB home page-A poem     “Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you and Fuck your hat” by Donna Lauth  (Alaska) Also by Donna;16114735_10208087721606120_7837984807447120761_n  jeez, is that addressed to me?? Looks internalized to me.  Which only illustrates my point in the earlier posting. here’s some tidbits on the pink hat theme from Sally and her Daughter . i had to unfriend some people.  Not that i was offended by thelema’s brain hat . . but Sally’s stuff shows up on MY page when she comments on thelemas posts and i can’t have her bullshit on my page.  here’s a thought . . . how about this ‘brain hat’ in brown.  A shit for brains hat.  id make them.

thumbnail-brains-1-696x392in-brown

January 24 2016

Woke up actually feeling pretty sparky for a change, despite asthma.  I think the change to Day shifts has made the difference.

 

January

Much has happened.  computer got infected and crashed with all my docs.  Started second job.  I guess my Mom had my Dad move into the basement  . . so he called me to unload.  Crazy shit there . . . don’t have time to write about it now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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