September 1 2016

2 09 2016

At work. Very tired. The videos of the protest in Standing Rock keep pouring in.
Meanwhile, Darrell and I try out the new shocks on his car and do the casino. We breakfasted in Lynden this morning,among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers . Later we treated ourselves to pasteries at the Lynden Dutch Bakery. This Standing Rock Hunkpapa was like a little kid when he saw those pasteries. So we treated in this Dutch themed town, among blond ladies with bob hair cuts and guys that look like they were straight out of a Van Gough painting. They cast startled side long looks at us. I don’t think they were accostumed to seing big, Sioux indians here, among the bountifull and enormous hanging flowers and the store fronts that try to look like Amsterdam. I am too damn tired to write anything more than we had a delightful day and Darrell is going out of his way to be sweet, here among the bountiful and enormous hanging flowers of Lynden. Far away from the protests in Standing Rock. But in his own way , he is making a statement too.

 

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Friday , Sept 2, 2016

Pay day. Darrell picked me up and once again we went to the Casino. he had his arm around me as we went in, sending a message.   he used up his money while i breakfasted . . and once again we seemed to be skewed in our attempts to co ordinate doing something together. We couldn’t find each other.  i had planned on giving him some play money but found him in the car after a search. From there we went to Walmart, the only place that carries sweats and active wear for larger people that isn’t unaffordable.  As much as i avoid Walmart, every fall we feel compelled to get our fall basics there.  if other stores carried clothes that reflected the degree of overweight people here in the U.S perhaps we wouldn’t have to shop there.  There Darrell wanted breakfast at Mc Donalds . . for both of us. There at Walmart it seemed we regained in tandem. I bought him a huge assortment of colored pencils and a good pencil sharpener and his eyes lit up again, also a belt and a light weight jacket . . one size smaller than we needed but at least wearable.  I left him with re charged phones, a few groceries, a tank full of gas and 90 bucks.  he spent a lot on fixing up his car , his pride and joy.  so now we each capitulated a little to each others tastes and did some things together again. I don’t mind spending money, nuturing and treating . . . and the art supplies excite his creativity again, and that’s his ticket to respect, I just dont like to feel taken advantage of so i made it clear that i WOULD NOT OVERDRAFT   to buy his weed. that adds up fast.  so today was feast after famine and the world was green was long anticapated rains.  it was good to do the casino(even if it is a waste) and drive around and shop a little. Once i understood the importance of nuturing  . . . the special treats of new clothes, art supplies and things  . The good side of me, not the side that sees resentment in everything.

Then, while i was in the check out line, glad that we were feeling safe and warm and in /tandem again . . i got a phone call telling me one of my co workers had been in a fatal car wreck. Just when you begin to feel that there is a spiritual pattern . . .a sort of recepocity, a meaning . . some meaningless thing happens, some random, senseless thing . . . and this was a co worker who had done me a kindness, who had been generous to me by giving me  a tablet, with nothing asked in return . . because i worried about Darrell not having any internet or cable. Sometimes a spontanious act of generosity with no strings attached  can shatter a person who has grown defenses against unkindness , dissa pointment , or worse.  I remember when i was a teenager i was at a journalism  and a teacher i really liked handed me a balloon and said “This is from me to you” . There was nothing premeditated about it, it was just a spontanious action of generosity.  i remember my eyes filled up with tears of emotion . . . a friend sitting next to me remarked: “It’s just a balloon.”

Perhaps that’s a faliure of the Journalistic mind.  they forgot the Red balloon. That tablet was not just  tablet.  It was the gesture that got to me.  that got through to me.  And now when i was feeling generous . . and no strings attached, just because some one needed something . . and that money was only money . . . i hear that the person who had gotten to me, a very loving and genuinely good person who greived a lot over the passing of a client long under her care . . . in a sudden moment of senselessness was no more. questions haunt my thoughts . . .what did she feel those moments before.

Did  everthing, life flash before her.  Was it sudden?  it is so disrespectfull to wonder . . . I am distraught.  . . . some times small thing can influence others .  She was so devoted to christian principals . . in the right way . . . .how can she know that she influenced me, and the people close tome?jennifer

9-6-16 Tuesday

Just got off on overnight ‘babysitting’ shift at the hospital with a client who needed nursing care.  We aren’t insured over there so we aren’t allowed to assist . Only offer personal care tips and info for the nurses to help them, keep an eye on monitors , and to alert nurses  when the client needs attention.  I took the oppurtunity to watch the nurses carefully and to see how smoothly they took care of his comfort needs, their level of professionalism and bedside manner.  i want to get to that point, where i feel confident and know exactly what needs to be done, exactl;y how to interact.

I have a lot of admiration for the ladies doing this . . . .they really have it down. What they do isn’t that much more complicated than what we do . . . it’s within range if i want to continue my classes.  But i have a long way to go.  I have developed asocial traits since my Minneapolis days.  I have to re learn natural caring . I just don’t call people sweet heart and pet them or caress them much . . just Darrell.  I never had kids . . there’s some pieces missing when it comes to all the right instincts.   I was encouraged that my client recognized me and spoke to me. I must be doing all right.  Or if I am not . . i haven’t heard about it personally.

Saturday

Market day.  Personal differances between Darrell and i seem to have evaporated. We follow and discuss the protests in Stnading Rock daily.

Darrell posted yesterday that he needs some financial help to get to Standing Rock to be a part of what may turn into a siege.  Even though the pipeline has been halted for now it could still escalate.

i thought the way the gathering handled the bulldozers and attack dogs was admirable. They are doing everything right, holding the moral high ground.

Sunday

Studying today for my State test.  Tired.  Many thoughts and buried emotions . memories resurfacing all of a sudden. I could write a book.

Thursday Sept 15,2016

Downtime at work. Tired. Too tired to write much.  Passed the test.  Feeling down all of a sudden.  Darrell picked me up after testing and we went to Lummi tohelp his friends haul water.  They live in a trailer in the woods without running water.  All the pups came out to greet me. Pit bulls bred for sale. They are gettin big.  One of them , Diesel, was stolden some time ago and the owner had been heartbroken.  Diesel was her favorite, unlike the other brown colored pups, Diesel was white with black spots.

Diesel was back now .  The owner had run into a man who said he was walking the dog for a friend and denied that the dog was stolden.  But Diesel knew his real owner and she got him back.   Apparently it was not a happy reunion.  Diesel’s  mother and his littermates attacked him and repeatedly ganged up on him when he returned so he has taken to keeping himself seperate.  He is a big boy, bigger than the others,he just doesn’t realize it yet.  He had such a sad look in his eye . Just like people, I thought, identifying with him. Just like people.  I watched the pack of dogs do their group thing and big old Diesel hanging out in the chair, not mingling,keeping seperate and looking sad and all I could think was how much I saw myself in that rez dog.  So similar to my own experience out here.

Just like people.

Amy Goodman talking about intimidation in Standing Rock, how reporters are being kept from telling their story.  I seem to remember a time, not so long ago when the left was doing everything in its power to keep me from telling my story, and much of it very different from the way it finally came out via the media and is currently understood.  Where were these ideas about freedom of speech then??

I have a lot of thoughts on teh developing situation in Standing Rock.  We discuss it a lot.  People don’t know what they are dealing with.  and Trump of all people, if he gets elected, may very well have to deal with an Indian war and of all people, he is the least equipt to understand and deal with it. both Hillary and Trump have a lot invested in that pipeline.  either way, the next president is going to have one hell of a situation to deal with in the time to come.  Darrell getting ready to take up the bow and arrow.  My time with him now is secretly solemn, when i think that i may never see him again . . something i swore i wished for everytime we had an arguement . . .he could be jailed, imprisoned, even killed if things heat up.  There’s things here i best not get into . . . .only that few people really get the full picture.

 

Monday

Shootings in St. Cloud.  somalian man, perhaps an Islamic soldier, stabbed 9 people.  2 people are dead but it’s not being reported.  I’ve been reading the commentaries.  I’ve seen the tensions rise between ‘old St.Cloud’ and the large Somalian population during my visits there over the past few years.  Every time I’ve commented on it, no matter how nuetral there is some kind of ‘media thing’ as i call it denouncing me as some kind of neo nazi or something. I’ve been cynical about all the resettlement into MN over the decades.  I was in Minneapolis in the 90s and saw a lot of stuff first hand . . including the hostility toward white Minnesotians, especially ‘White Cloud.’  some bellieve that what happened to me was in part, part of this hostility . . . it was what i represented.  Then the media,especially the left, but exclusively   spent 10 years trying to cover it up (and bragged about it) trying to do damage controll.  i believe they did not do damage controll but created a shit storm of damage, acutally fostered hate and aggression.  for example they sought to sell the idea to a ruffled St. Cloud that i was being shamed and punished for deplorable behavior and or attitudes . . . this was accepted and taken up with a fury tht scarred me for the rest of my life.  it got down right frightening . . i experienced a lot of fury at the hands of some white women, some very hurtfull stuff . . . and the men too, who embraced a ‘deserved’ rape fantasy gone viral.  But that was then. the point being that St. cloud has been a hotspot for some time . . . .with a lot of people watching it, and trying to shape attitudes ( fox and msnbc) . Now the situation is out in the open . . . and plenty of people are commenting in no uncertain terms .

the reesttlement of refugees and the active recruitment of people from Chicago into low income housing up in St. cloud has really changed the climate of the town I once lived in.  The residents complaining of tax burden and the host of problems that have arrived have some legitimate complaints.  I know too well the real malice that DOES exist towards them.  i also know the hatefullness and intollerence and down right cruelty that St. Cloud white people can show towards anyone who is different.  They too have expressed a level of malice.

My head was running in circles when i heard about this on the news.  I knew shit would hit the fan.  I wondered if the right could have orchestrated this  . . a sort of black ops to push the elctorate into Trumps camp.  I wondered about a whole lot of things . . . including my last visit back to St. Cloud with Darrell. something I have not written at lenghth about.  We were in and out before anyone really knew we were there . . yet even as Darrell’s truck was pulling out there was some one following us.  A war could have started very easily and there were those on both sides who were itching for it.  People on both sides sitting on their guns.  thankfully my parents were naturally gracious, no matter what they may have felt, and welcoming towards Darrell . . which took him aback.  They were nicer to him than he was towards them.  it was very stressfull to me.  they even had a place set out for him at the breakfast table in the morning . . which took him aback.  And my mother was awesome the way she related to Darrell,not with any fear or snobbery only concern that he was so tired.  I made a trip to the post office and encountered some attitude the next day . I thought to myself, St. Cloud people aren’t very nice . . but then again, when i went into some grocery stores i encountered such humility and salt of the earth warmth and helpfullness.

Later I encountered bragging out here in WA about how Darrell had ‘counted coup’ on . . . the enimy. (My elderly parents?) Those supremicists!!  I don’t believe Darrell was trying to count coup in St. Cloud . . how ever eager many were to see that in it . . and truthfully if encouraged, he WILL adopt that role among people like that . . . .he was, as far as i could see, trying to make a peace offering, a reconcilliation . . and it wasn’t easy for him to put himself there. Fox news too I noted later tried to make it sound like we had done something provocative . . . what a piece I shit i was!!  The truth was . . . I helped Darrell out with gas and he went out of his way to bring me all the way up to St. Cloud.  But something could have easily happened.  War could have bust out if say, some good old boy with a chip on his shoulders towards darrell or I had done something .  if we had stuck around too long.

All this was running through my mind as i listened to the reports and thought about how we had avoided war, conflict . . . how the stand with Standing Rocks crowds avoided conflict, did not let war erupt . . . and here was war erupting anyway after all this restraint . . . . now, all the issues about St. Cloud as a focal point over the decades will be out in the open.  it’s not just what karen had to say about it .

there’s always some one that ruins things.  I have had my opinions about policy in St. Cloud over the decades, my opinions about policy in Minneapolis . . and not all of it very popular.  I bet some of those kids who made fun of me when i was so traumatized at Madison and cheered on malicious actions were at that mall when the attack occured.

it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  Trump might very well get into office on this . . . the democrats policy in MN has created such animosity among lots of people and this will bring it to a boiling point.  They feel shit on.  That they are hard working people whose way of life is being drained for supposed altruism, and the question now is was the intent really altruistic??

I reprint an article, about the somlian experience of St. Cloud.

 

http://www.citypages.com/news/st-cloud-is-the-worst-place-in-minnesota-to-be-somali-7976833

 

Thursday

At work.  A little down time.  Seems like everything broke down this week.  The brakes went out on Darrell’s car. I stepped on my glasses. The bed bugs got aggressive. The vacuum cleaner belt bust.   I had no bike.  Yesterday i took out a large draw and we fixed things up. I shelled out about 330 for his breaks. He looked so mournful.  Like all his joy had been taken .. .i figured the cash was my contribution to the I stand with StandingRock.  Managed take an eye exam and get some glasses, buy a bike, buy a vac belt, buy a new bed frame and good mattress protectors , threw out a mattress and got new bedding.  so now we are mobile again, we can see and sleep .  We had a good dinner.  I made my famous Shepard’s pie  . . . or as Darrell likes to call it … my German Shepard pie.  A good day.  I got in a swim too.

There’s much on my mind but i am tired.  If I write about the sense of accomplishment I feel from taking care of daily business, getting things in order . . those small ordinary pleasures and goals then I am shallow, without the mind to write of deeper things.  If I write about larger issues . . then people get mad . . .sometimes I want to take things on,sometimes I want peace and want to get along with people. Sometimes i keep silent on larger issues for a reason.  Sometimes I feel so torn up by something that i cannot help myself . . i articulate my worries, distresses, sense of injustice . . .it all depends. Tonight, I am tired but happy that i took care of us .  Empowered us again.  It’s the right kind of energy. So Im broke ….I got stuff to do.

 

thursday

Feeling down now. Guess things haven’t been going right lately at work.  this weekend they really needed me to cover for some one with the flu and I was having trouble getting a ride. I didn’t want to overdraw to get gas . . . and the car wasn’t running very good . . . So i told them we didn’t have gas money.  Now i see how that must have gone over . . . I should have overdrafted for something that important.  It really makes me look like a loser, unprofessional. Not a team player.  And perhaps i have been unprofessional.  i think that really bothered some people, even though they found some one else to cover those shifts.  Perhaps, at an unconcious level i was bummed out by ‘problem’ peoples taking up so much of my time ( in my personal life too) and suddenly feeling defensive about my off time to myself.  I wasn;t drinking at all over the weekend. in fact, I hadn’t done any drinking during my work week before that.   I was making up a lot of food for Darrell and I over the weekend.   At any rate . . despite my feeling last night that my life was back on an upward trajectory it seems i made some mistakes, med errors.  Also, one of my clients who is difficult was much more so.  perhaps because her meds were changed.  Her behavior seemed markedly more psychotic to me.  When she hit me, hard, in the morning because i picked out underwear she didn’t like i drew the line . . I am  normally super patient with any challenging behaviors but i did let her know i was angry. i told her she could not do that.  later when she was calmer i tried to rub her shoulders and show a little affection to let her know it was o.k. and we still cared . . .but i guess she reported me for abuse to the police.  of course, i am just one in a long line of people she imagines are trying to harm her , and i was cleared of any mis doing . . but when that happens it means we’re not clicking and they have to take that caregiver off for a while.  why was i losing my professional focus lately?? Perhaps the long drive out to Lynden and the screwed up sleep time table is messing with me more than i realize , perhaps Im not really adaptable to the overnight awake . . . alot of people can’t and won’t hack it. A lot of times with this particular client she gets up in the middle of the night and wants me to listen to at least an hour of schizophrenic ranting . . which i do, only hinting that perhaps she would like to go back to bed . . . not pushing her, just trying to listen and give responses that show Im attentive . . . but often it’s hard, when she is abusive s she was last night.  I don’t know what i could have done to make myself more focused, not making mistakes from exhaustion . . . i got in a swim, i took care of my own self during my private time as well as the people I care about. i didn’t abuse drugs or alchohol . . . .at least, not recently . . . Did this swirling tornado of thoughts and  buried emotions and personal history ( and it was big, deep) triggered by things  in the Midwest mess with the way I project myself??  Was i edgy or preoccupied?  I hope this is only temporary.

Saturday

Im back on the schedual. Ill be working at Aaron Drive this week.  Talked with supervisor and all is cleared up.  Off to do the market.

Monday

The big t.v. gave out. On game day too . . . Darrell spent thw whole day at my place, watching the small t.v. in his old bedroom and later catching up on computer games.  it was relaxing and I liked his company.  It was the way it used to be once when he felt like my place was his home.  Something between us has changed now and there are  no longer any problems.  I watched the Borgias on my tablet all afternoon.  When he left he had a long bear hug.  The day is coming closer and closer when he will take off for Standing Rock.  I may not see him for a long time.  I may never see him.  As much As i wrote badly of him i really cannot imagine a universe without Darrell in it somewhere near.  He was a handfull but he was a rare man and that’s why i loved him despite everything.  Artist.  A real warrior.  Never greedy.  Sensitive and feeling. never assimilated, always his own indiviual self. After so many years of searching, of disastrous attempts at relationships i finally met a full man. . . and i stayed with him for almost 20 years, good or bad.    I didn’t always know what I had.  I think too, he is beginning to think something like that about me too . . . .he also, didn’t always know what he had. Out time together now is precious.  Every moment matters to me now and i try to appreciate it.  Soon he will go, and fight for his people.

9-29-16  Thursday

 

I rather enjoyed working at Aaron drive Monday.  Tonight . . Littlefield.

Dream:

I went to Standing Rock to be a part of a large street march.  there were lots of little shops.  When i got to where the march was gathering I ran into many people I knew.  Danette, Derek, Micheal Hall and their whole clan were there.  They seemed angry with me and did not want to visit.

I guess Darrell will not be taking off after all.  We are back to the same old same old . . Honeymoon, then he coaxes me to come over and help him, cook and clean , give back rubs  then . . . . same old same old . . . . ending with me in emotional pain and upset swearing i will never go back . . . . feeling like a fool for falling for it AGAIN. No end in sight now . . . winter coming on soon.  if he does not hit the trail soon the mountain highways will be increasingly dangerous.  He can still take off in November . . but he is heading into cold weather out there and i bet a lot of people have or will disperse by then.

 

 

 

 

 

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