June 2016

1 06 2016

June 1st

Derek actually wrote me a very nice letter via chat, and i was more absolving in my reply than i was in my blog.  Re reading the blog . . .always trying to create that pulse of dramatic high intensity . . . when in fact, my life could not be more low intensity. At least on the social surface.    Derek talks about putting himself through school and scouting now for a teaching position..  i can see him in this.

I on the other hand, was rip roaringly delighted when i got a call to interview at a hip restaurant last night, I never thought this restuarant  would look twice at my resume.  Tommarrow is my interview . . .

A fun job ! it is a real boost to know that i can still go out and hoof it with a folder of resumes and get a fun job.  Not production work, fish, janitorial stuff, but stuff Im good at.

Now . . the question is do i still have it??  I went to an   A.  A meeting last night and it was good to talk some of this out in the context of a history of alchohol abuse.  We can forget what our true capabilities are in addiction . . i never knew exactly what i was and was not really capable of when i was drinking obsessively.

I also made some pot cookies last night.  Nibbled a little on one.  Just enough to sleep good.

I managed to get down to the gym yesterday. Today I plan to really work out hard . . . I want to look and feel my best when Darrell and Ace get here.

So it seems like the good stuff i am doing is paying off . . . job interview, a soul searching chat with Derek which i never could have handled with any grace  if I had been drinking.

Here’s hoping i can keep it up under the pressures that are sure to come.

I am thinking about some of the bullshit Dana layed on me during her visit, it doesn’t get under my skin the way it used to . . . she made one remark;

“You could have been saved if you had been an activist.”  Like her??

I think what saved me over the years was NOT parading myself as an activist.  Darrell would surely NOT have tolerated that . . . because of our relationship.  How dare she make such a statement ..  I know i ought to laugh it off . . and I am trying.  and what, is she on a panel, a committee that decided my fate??  There’s a lot i could write about here . . but i will simply have to think about it and try to see it in context..

Wednesday 6-1-   (later)    I got the job!!!   I cannot believe it!!   I was interviewed by a tall, thin French chef  with a black fleece shirt that was zipped to the chin.  Languid and elegant.  He asked me:

(imagine this with a French accent and a wink at the end)  so how do you feel about working with a couple of French guys eh?” wink.  Is he kidding??? Is he kidding??  it sure is going to beat cleaning toilets.   Now I wonder, how is he going to like working with this elephatine butt bumping around in that tiny kitchen??  Funny, I interviewed for a janitorial job earlier in the morning and the interviewer questioned me like it was the job of the century.  The French chef said . . I can see you have a good attitude . . . can you handle a knife . . and that was about it.  Now, I get to learn some new cuisine . . . and if I am too Slow Elk for this, well then, I have something that will look good on my resume .

Saturday

Saturday market day!!  It’s not raining!!  Darrell came back without Ace.  The trip to the rez seems to have done him some good, his head was swimming with tales and high energy . . it’s given him back his confidence . . but there’s something repellent to me that is in his spirit as well.  I can’t believe i came to accept certian things .

Much to do today.  I found some sytrofoam heads at a garage sale and I painted them in acryllic last night to use as hat models.  However the faces are unattractive, almost goulish . .barred teeth, wide eyes,  like something out of Bosch. painting the zombies Maybe they were intended for Halloween . . . but i softened them up a bit, did not emphasis moles and stuff.  they are all dark tan mono color because i didn’t have time to dicker with the features, but i intend to paint on lips and eyes and eyelashes and pretty up these guys in the next couple of days .

The whole idea of the thing . . taking these Bosch like heads and putting some cosmetics on them and using them to model my hats is rather amusing. perhaps it is a good metiphor .

metiphor for what?  that’s for me to know.

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Sunday 6/5/16

I’ve been caught up in the Roots mini series, as i suspect, many , many Americans are.  Wow!  Intensely moving.  It’s a story that needs to be retold, remembered.

I was thinking that I wish the story of chicken George and his life in England could have been expanded.  That would have been quite interesting.  How did Chicken George find conditions of the poor in England at the time. How was he treated. Did he have a lot of freedom??  Did he like certian aspects of European life??  Who did he hang out with?    What did he do with his time? Was he a guest, a friend of the aristocrats?  did he slum with the poor?  Did he find a girl friend?  A brothel or two ?  I mean, he was there for 20 years . . he didn’t just moon around calling out “Morning dove” the whole time.  Expanding this chapter might have been an oppurtunity to compare the two cultures and their attitudes towards black people, slaves . . . and the role that cotten played in their entwined economies.  England had outlawed the slave trade  in the 18th century . . that gave them the moral high ground . . or at least they could play the moral high ground, but they depended on cotten.  The empire depended on American cotten, and the plantation system that produced it. ( sort of the way we depend on the slave labor of Wallmart towns)  England was where the plantation system started, and still continued in Ireland and elsewhere.  The industrial revolution in England  displaced so many peoples from their rural life and cottage industries and put them into the factories in the cities.  The poverty of these ‘lower classes’ and their explotation was horrific.  How would Chicken George have seen that?  How would he have compared it to the conditions of slavery?? When you watch shows like upstairs , downstairs or Downton Abbey it’s very charming but the downstairs people didn’t have a family life, or their own cabins . . . they went to their little rooms at the end of their work day.  They say that when sitting Bull was touring Europe with the Bufallo Bill show he felt so much pity for the street urchins that he gave away all the the money he made to them.

Which was more brutal??  the thing about slavery is that wether the treatment was brutal or benevolent . . it was arbitrary, depending on the master. No doubt, there were plantations where the relations between slaves and the house were close, almost like family, people being people, but most often it was not.  they could do what they wanted.

 

A couple of things i really liked about this miniseries . . . the emphasis on historical accuracy, especially about West Africa.  The urban sophistication came as a surprise to me, although i knew it existed in the past, places like Mali,  I imagine it was a learning experience for  a lot of other people as well.  I also liked the way the miniseries focused on the development of music. Very significant.

But just like the original roots . . there were no good white people, or ambivolent soul searching white people,  even the abolitionists were made to look like fools . . and all the black people were noble. Yup, Chicken George spent 20 years in London or where ever he was , calling out “Morning Dove” and waiting , waiting . . .remembering that his name was his spirit . . .come one, i bet he was blasted on gin  in Whitechapel on his time off.

maybe there’s a reason the people that did the mini series make no mention of the British Empire . . without going into the new world order stuff . . . or Illuminati theory . . . I mean, it’s still there, in a different form.

These days they can trace ancestry a lot farther than they could a few decades ago, and DNA evidence can really surprise the hell out of people . . . the discovery of DNA really blew racial theories out of the water for good.  i watched the Henry Gates shows on family trees and it was interesting as hell. I wonder what my DNA would say about me . . . on my mother’s side my Dad was able to trace her roots to the beginning of the 19th century in Tyronne,I think.  I said i thought it would be interesting to find out more of their history .  . .and he shrugged it off, who cares.  But actually that’s when Irish history starts to get interesing . .Bonny Prince Charlie and all that.

 

June 7

Sad, but not crying. never cry any more. A final cut between Darrell and I.  He had a pic in his glove compartment of his ‘other’ sweety . . promising to go with him on the next trip love and xxs.  Then he yells at me for opening his glove compartment to look for a pen.  His aunty told me he had a woman on the side, that he was showing this pic around and saying it was his woman. She told me to let go, that he had no respect for me.    All that, while I drove him to Standing Rock and up to St. Cloud, sent him a Verizon phone , kept his power on and cleaned up his trashed apartment in readiness . . . i didn’t really expect anything in return.  It was kind of a last labor of love before I let go. I knew i was going to have to cut ties.   Then he tells everyone on the rez that I am no damn good. Not worthy. But then . . he’s been doing that for 20 years.  His meaness the past few years was just treating me the way i treated him back when he lived with me. God, i was his life line back then, I put so much support into him when he was on the streets drinking , i never just abandoned him . got mad a few times.   but I guess that was his routine . . . whipping up anger against me and calling the stuff that developed Karma, pay back .   But right now . . . i don’t even care. I  There’s no pain, no anger . . no belief that reinforcing love will make all the orchestrated hate go away . . . . I know that there is no future. He even admiteed, years ago, that the forces for Evil were stronger than the forces of good.  But Im still here.

I went out and bought beads yesterday and began beading agin . . it’s my way of healing , taking back myself after the destructiveness of the past year.

Even rita R. admits that there was a murder plot up here . . a conspiracy.  No one has the guts to expose it though,call it out . . . .I fear for the future no matter what happens, who is elected. I still suspect that Trump is controlled Opposition . . playing a cartoon xenophobe to demonize the legitimate angers and frustrations of people beginning to catch on.

I will Miss Darrell because he is one of the few people who always knew the big picture, who knew what was going on . . even if he played dumb,the charmer and a whole pallette of other roles here. he was in fact a very intellegent man, and in many ways a good one.  Like the girl with the curl when he was good, he was very very good, and when he was bad . . he was epic.. period.    I would, I did, handle everything that got thrown at me for his sake . and would have continued to. .  if only he had had the integrety to respect me and deal with me honestly. he could have been honest about this other lady instead of trying to get me to do stuff for him one more time, which has to do with subordination . . not love.  So I am in the right in cutting off the remaining ties.  I know, there’s people out here who consider this a victory for Darrell, and themselves . . i can see it in their faces.  But it isn’t.  Not a spiritual one.  Not a victory of anything remotely strong hearted.and certianly not moral.   it is a victory of  deciet. of bullshit.  and ultimately of a darker conspiracy than most people realize.

Friday 6-10-16

 

I began classes this week to become a HCA.  A HCA is no great acheivement but it is practical . . and better than sitting around doing nothing.  My French Chef never did call back . . after giving me the job.  I imagine these HCA credentials will come in handy in the upcoming years . . everyone I know is falling apart and seems to need a care giver.

Sunday

Tired. built a chicken wire fence for the beans , weeded and watered. Darrell is being sociable and we are friends again.  We had dinner last night and it was pleasent. I repaired his ripped up, crumpled jacket and boy did that make him happy.  i think Darrell was like that jacket, ripped up, unraveled, needed some care . . now he is the Darrell I know, doing his art work.

Not much to write of.  I’ve been busy all day.  Tommarrow it’s back to classes all week.

Monday A.M

Just a few minutes before i must pack my lunch.  Newscaster lemon made the statement that the Orlando shootings were the worst shootings in U.S History . . . I would venture to say that the Indian wars , particularly Wounded Knee were the worst mass shootings in U.S History . . .but Indian country doesn’t exist in mainstream media.  But that was government doing that . . not a ‘lone wolf’. Part of the reason few Indians support taking away all the guns . . . I suspect we will have some draconian legislation now.

Wednesday

Depressed this morning. and mad at my6self for falling for Darrell’s game again.  jeez.  what does it take to quit hoping . . to see the truth, not some of the time but ALL of the time.  Why do i Still want him to be a friend?? Why do i still hope that i can have him in my life in some manageable way when almost every encounter ends in anger and pain withhim spewing his hate  on me, my family, my place, everything, spouting about how he doesn’t care and so on . . he called me up and said he said he had something for me, although i was tired and didn’t really want to go over I did . . he payed me back 10 bucks.  that was the big surprise. I offered to go get a pizza and then, not only knocked over his spitoon, which was really gross, but bumped his foot which sent him into a torrent of abuse . . telling me to get my pizza and go, get out.  i got the pizza and returned for my backback and of course, the pizza and i got thrown out.  Now i have my phone over there . . i am determined to just leave it there and get another one come the 20th, like i can afford it.  I have to focus ALL my energies on these classes right now and they are long, intense . . i can’t be distracted by relationship bullshit.

It’s funny . . everyone makes all these judgements . . but when I start bettering myself, and am successfull, then everyone starts acting up, getting funny. their true selves come out.   Even my Mom was not enthusiastic and i could tell that deep down inside she didn’t want me to suceed.  The few so called friends i do have show real jealousy whenver i am good at something, or something good comes my way . . that means i have no authentic support system among the people i consider the closest to me.

I have some things running through my mind about what I have termed over the years as ‘media attack’ . . years ago i called it the vendetta . . . i guess it’s being discussed again and explained away as ‘consequences, for my lies,  smear and slander  . . . . that’s always been the liberal rational . . .we HAD to do something.  That isn’t really true.  They need to believe that . . but it isn’t true.   I have something different to say about it but not right now.  i need to get to class. .

6-16 2016

Half way through classes.  practiced wiping butts, brushing teeth , cleaning dentures, placing clients in wheelchairs correctly and turning  yesterday.

Am thinking about how  I can apply what I am learning about caregiving, it’s principals and philosophy to my own personal sphere. here in WA caregiving staff endeavors to encourage clients to live as independently as possible . . . a long ways from the days of institutionalization.  The principals of.C.H.I.R.P.S for example . . endeavoring to help the clients needs for competance, health and safety, independance, relationships and status.  i can see where i failed in the eys of many people in the caretaking professions in my relationship with Darrell, and i can see why.  In letting him stay with me I WAS looking after his health and safety . . even though others did not see our private life, only through the filter of Darrell on the streets . . . In some ways I helped him find status through his art recognition by taking on the business end of the printing and marketing, but I had a hard time learning to let him do things the way he wanted when it seemed foolish or self destructive to me . . and sometimes i was wrong. I regret now persueding him to return his tablet .  it was one of the few buyuing decisions he made living with me, other than beer and ciggys, and I thought that it would get stolden because he was partying  and doing drugs in motel rooms with girls from the streets . . . .I regret that now.  perhaps i was resentfull of the money being spent on motel rooms with these street girls . . and the rebellion against my ‘controll’ as he saw it.  Would they have rather i just abandoned him? What exactly did they want from me . . that they felt they must take charge of Darrell and foster his independance and cut me out as if i had been a bad mother.  I have to admit  . . . that their philospy was essential right and i was missing somethings in my altruism . . .but it must be remembered that Darrrell was not developmentally disabled . . although he had become physically handicapped.

i believe I understand somewhat what native mothers must have felt when the State workers, mostly white women, stepped in to remove children to a ‘better environment’ . . . .as if they had failed . . as if if the conditions that created so much alchoholism , despair, isolation and often abuse were not created by the same white people who removed children to ‘better environments’ that they controlled.  it’s got to be the most painfull feeling . . my journals are full of pain over this chapter . . when i felt i had contribbuted a great deal to this community by doing what i could on Darrell’s behalf . . i did not have the resources and time that a professional social worker did.  i didn’t get paid to empower him . . . I had to work, i was often exhausted when i came home . . and i could nto force him to make those trips to doctors and social security.  So i ended up being essentiall demonized, which exists to this day, by the very people who derive their status from caretaking . . by the books . . . and i was  cast as the abuser.  I often used to write that i felt that the State , and its minions wanted to replace my role with themselves.

Now I am thinking about how I can apply these principals to my current relationship with Darrell . . he is being a spitefull brat . . what does that behavior mean?  How can i understand it without personalising, or letting my buttons get pushed.  Is he trying to reestablish power and status . . . in the wake of dissapointments that have left him un anchored, without t.v.   If his rage episodes have become detrimental to me ,or even a very real life threat how do i deal with that.  Do i back away? Treat it as threat? or try to mend that crumpled jacket??

And how do I apply what I am learning in my classes to my own family of origen and all the power dynamics that go on there . . and there is another ‘really mad at karen enough is enough’ chapter going on right now . . which really upset me when i heard of it yesterday and made me cry . . .but now I am in more of a shrug and who cares about them . . quit trying to integrate at all mood.

Much to think about.

Am thinking too about patterns of people sabotaging my desire to get schooling in the past. I realize that these patterns go way back, again the people I loved and admired the most were the ones who emotionally sabotaged my attempts to better myself.  Especially Kennedy and, alas, Derek . . .and Mom, back before i moved out. Will examine it later.

Friday

It’s 3 a.M. Im up with an abbcessed molar that has in turn created a painful urinary tract infection as well.  I had to put off dental attention this week.

Now Im in real misery.

Today is test day. One of them.   I might as well review my skills while Im up with my swollen jaw.   Here’s hoping I don’t fall over, or fall asleep today.  Got a little positive reinforcement yesterday . . then Darrell’s cousin messaged me and ran some scam by me about winning some money from United Nations . . i was mildly curious for about 15 minutes, even though i was suspicious at once . . It’s just that this cousin of his is some one i considered trustworthy, professional . . or i wouldn’t have given it a second glance . . perhaps it was some one hacking into my FB friends and posing as her . Like i said . . . everyone and everything is trying to f with me, distract me . . but Im not going to let it.  I set out to do some things and Im going to do them . . . That drunk sitting in her arm chair ruminating was the end result  of an accumulation of bad stuff . . . it’s not the real me, although when i am that depressed it certianly feels like i can do nothing, am nothing, can accomplish nothing . . but my trip to Standing Rock and then St. Cloud bolstered my confidence . . . I have what it takes to meet my goals, to weather some tough stuff, we are going to win this one.

Saturday

Raining again . . .every damn Saturday.  That’s an average of about 70 bucks I won’t have at the end of 5 hours of chatting and displaying my wares. I passed my test. I can now start work.  I must do the state exam yet.  I don’t know if this is a line of work that I am tempermentally suited for . . it takes a special kind of person and i don’t think I am it, but this could prove to be valuable training for the upcoming years . . . and it’s a start.  I originally planned to get certified as a care giver so i could look after Darrell, and get paid . . since i was doing it any way but all that does not look feasable now. For one thing, if i became his legal caretaker . . . then any incident that is now simply difunction or domestic abuse . . . could have legal leverage, with serious consequences.  I have no doubt he would try to construe any incident as elder abuse . . .since that fits in with the pattern . . .so i could never , ever become Darrell’s legal caretaker.  As for my mother . . . My own family would probably set up barriers to that . . although, i could in a non professional capacity use the skills i’ve learned in some way.  I could perhaps get a job at a nursing home near the St. Cloud area.  God knows . . . if I stay focused on taking my job seriously and staying sober and regaining trust . . then I nver have to really worry about finding work, of having to do work that is physically demanding again . . caretaking is demanding, but it ‘s not like doing fish,or janitorial or restuarant.     Of course, there are other fields I can persue while Im doing this . . . and if my social security gets pulled Im not facing desperate choices . . .

I was having anxiety attacks last night.  Fell asleep and had the most peculiar dream;

I was sitting on the livingroom couch in the house i grew up in.  On the radio they were playing O’Carolan’s farewell to music.  It was a very somber version, and orchestrated, with little ornimentation . . almost plodding.  I thought i know that tune by heart . . and they are doing it all wrong.  I had Derek’s violin beside me and I started to play along, trying to add the embellishments and ‘style’ of my own . . but i could not play anymore.  My finger knew what to do but i could not make a sound.  The violin did not produce any sound.  I looked up and saw a bee . . or maybe a wasp . . then I saw a few more, and a few more . . then a swarm gathering . . . I set the violin down and tried to leave the living room, but my jaw was swollen and i felt partially paralized, too septic to move.  I saw my Dad in the kitchen.  He had just returned from grocery shopping.  I tried to call out to him for help and he saw me but i woke up at that point.

notes:  I used to play O’Carolan’s farewell to music a lot back when i moved to Eugene after ‘Derek Days’.  It’s beautifull and nuanced tune . . not difficult but requires an interpretation with heart, and can’t be played ‘by the book’.    In the dream i find I can no longer play it . . I can not effectively make any kind of noise, speak or play violin . . I am almost mute.  I am able to signal in the dream  but i woke up at that point.

Tuesday

orientation day!  Made Peace with Darrell.  Ended up forgiving him . . took a while . . but i always capitulate.  I miss his company too much.  I took out a small draw and got some treats . . .some chicken teriyaki, a couple of summer tops for myself and a few things for Darrell, a dances with wolves c.d., tobacco,gas money . . and i made up some chow.  So we watched Dances with wolves and all was well.  As for the ‘other woman’ . . unless it’s his neighbor, i don’t see anyone coming around . . maybe some one is Standing Rock . . . I’ll consider it his vacation . . . two ways to deal with that . . outrage and hurt at lies and disrespect . . or trying to upgrade ones feminine charms.  Have i let myself go too much?  Not been meeting his needs?

All is well today.  and that’s all that counts.  Feeling like Balence is restored again.  I may go halves with him on a pay as you go tablet . . .that way he can get netflicks, facebook, play games . . . I think i will  buy the thing and then he can pay the monthly charges from there . . .much cheaper that way.

Wednesday

Was  supposed to shadow train tonight.  Went swimming this morning to get ready and it seemed to activate physical problems I was trying to ignore.

Really bad head ache set in, got really flushed, asthma kicked in, I felt sick to stomach.  I’ve been weathering some diareha and wondering what the problem was and now i suspect it is an allergy to penicillian.  I was diagnosised with that years and years ago, but they gave penicillian to me anyway for my molar.  So I have the night off. Must address that tooth now, pronto.  Ifophrophen and i do not get along.  neither do I and penicillian.  I still have a urinary tract  infection too, but it’s managable. . but at least my kidneys aren’t acting up the way they were.  Don’t know why these infections are not clearing up by now . . maybe i caught something from Darrell????  Dang.  Seems like i am always seriously sick with something . . this isn’t that serious . . but it could be, it could have gone septic.

 

Thursday

Watching Hillary and Trump go at each other and the way the media dissects this is horrifying and depressing.  it brings up awfull memories of all those years when media decided to ‘expose the truth about Karen’ . . all the vicious hate that was and still is in that.  I saw that hatred of ‘the vile woman’ that started around 2001 . . . transfered to other prominant women over the years . . the wording, the rhetoric often identical.  Hillary was one of them.  Before that , Sarah Palin. The left had plenty of venom towards Michele Bachman, and others.  At the time, there was censure and debate about this climate of hate . . . that no longer exists.  its become normal.  We can no longer even SEE the level of incivility as wrong, much less pathological.  Some one on MSNBC earlier this morning made a casual remark in passing about how so and so hates Clinton just like EVERYONE ELSE .  And this is about a Democrat! I  used to  read the commentary sections of Alex Jones and Huffington to get an idea of what people were thinking and i was shocked. Especially, after the Beshiar remarks about Sarah Palin having to eat feces.  It scared me to think that the will to violence and degradation,was so massive in this country . . both from the right and the left.  Karl Rove charecterized it as ‘Mysogany run rampant . . and the thing i could never get is the willingness of women to join in, with equal ferocity on other women.

What’s with this automatic Hillary is a great liar . . compared to what?  Bush??  Trump??         Hillary is this wrecking ball of destruction and corruption?? Responsible for all these foreign policy faliures?? The rise of ISIS??   and people respond to this hatemongering?? Accept it??  I see plenty of young people here in town who automaticically hate Clinton because they don’t trust her, they think she is a liar, a force of destruction . . and a loser?? A loser?? Really??  She seems to be a cunning and skilled diplomat and politician . . glib yes, a person whose message is carefully scripted, yes . . she and Bill have had their fingers in many shady dealings in the past . . some even believe they had a kill list . . ive read it.  But she is no dummy.  and much of the foreign policy faliures were crafted in the Bush years.  Including NAFTA.

I believe . . and here i go, overpersonalizing it will be said . . . .a lot of that energy is stuff that is still floating around from opinions regarding Karen and Darrell stuff.  I was always accused of being a liar when i spoke of our problems and history, or defended myself against charges of slutting around . . which became ‘truth’ by popular opinion.  Darrell always said he had no trust . . . but then, Darrell had no capacity for trust . . . he was often very disturbed in his supicions . . and deliberate in his misinformation missions.  The level of violence that was transfered to Sarah Palin  about 4 years ago was word for word the kind of violent intent I heard expressed towards me.  So now everyone is commenting on the level of vitrol by the presidential candidates . . who are harnessing energy that was

created by the media, or at least fostered by them years ago . . and they act like they can’t understand it.  Where did all this come from. The dems are seeing the results of ‘the climate of hate’ that they themselves fostered years ago.

Monday 27

Tired.  Trying to figure out the ins and outs of Therap. Taking notes on my clients ISP and ADLs.  So much to learn and remember.  those overnights are going to kill me . . not being able to stay awake.  But there’s lots of down time . . i can dig that,  not as rushed as mornings.  i get my first morning tommarrow.  Had a pretty good Day with Darrell . . cleared up some stuff that had been weighing on me, we went for a drive and I made up a chicken dinner with wild rice.  I have been a busy girl.  Pleased that I accomplished so much household re organization and got us both on track.  Took him to the library and he checked out some dvds to keep him entertained for a night or two.  Too tired to write about much . . . . I guess i ill go watch Barbarians and call it a night.

Thursday

A little down time.  Im doing my shadow training this week, pretty condensed

and so much to remember . . my god.  Me, so scattered that i notoriously leave a debris trail of forgotten jackets and bikes a mile wide.  I hope i can master this, lives depend on it.  Im taking it seriously . 

Much to write of, and i may  when it gets later and I have time on my hands.  Only to note that Dallass, Darrell’s brother got jumped in Bismark and was badly beaten and sustained sever head trauma. he has been missing for a while, and I’ve gotten several texts from people trying to find him.

 

the other day i reorganized the back bedroom . . . where Darrell did so much of his artwork once.  Much of it still hangs on the walls . . It’s been preserved . . . Miss Havesham’s Darrell SpottedHorse memorial.

These days he does not want to think about the past or be reminded of it. But how does one forget all THAT? How does one just shut the door on a story like that . . . throw out all the old wedding cake forks and moth eaten tableclothes and rats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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