Feb 1
It’s good to be back to work again. I am toughing up and am not so tired and full of pain at the shift end. Got the first check and nothing brings back the excitement in life like pay day. I am looking forward to getting my camera. There’s much on my mind these days besides feelings and relationships but for a lot of different reasons i am guarded about expressing opinions about things outside of the personal and even wary of being too open about what is going on in that world as well.
Feb 3
The second hand camera is not great but it will do untill I can get my Cannon fixed. Darrell and i seem to be getting along very well the past week. had him over for dinner and made brats in saurkraut with potato salad and pecan ice cream.
Feb 4
A curry in the crock pot.
Dreams
- Jesus was extending his hand to me to help me up. The dream was in color.
- something was sitting on my chest. It was skeletal, an animal of some sort. ugly and frightening.
- I was walking by a store front window. Several people were sitting on barstools. all I could see was there butts . . they were really overweight and flabby. Then there was some kind of commercial and in the next store front window I saw another row of butts on bar stools . . all firm “brazillian butt lift” butts.
Feb 5
Back to work.
(later) Looks like we are split for good. Again, after work i crashed out at Darrell’s place. Made a dandy breakfast, taters Darrell style, bacon etc . . .then at the table I wanted to know if he prefered a stir fry out of the beef or a soup and he went into a tirade again. I don’t care about you. I don’r need a cook. I don’t care what you do. Now I lost my appetite. I’ll take you home. When i hear that I lost my appetite stuff, that’s Minneapolis under class stuff that street guys used to dish out to white girls who were “trash” . I don’t let myself be treated like that . . I didn’t say a word, I got dressed and got up to leave. He acted surprised. Sweeters . . i was just joking . . . No it’s no longer a game. Come on, don’t go. But this time I am sick of it. You can’t talk to me like that and keep acting like it’s a joke i should accept . . that’s it’s my fault for not finding it funny. so I left, and this time i messaged him that we needed to spend time apart. i told him he was free to date and that i would no longer be coming over to his house.
It is hard. I really . really tried. There are others who will will help him with his art. Paul is buying him cedar and saws. Darrell just finished a couple of drawings and i so wanted to photograph them , make two ups and 8 by tens. Digitalize them for further prints. I waited so long for him to start drawing again . . . well, either they will know how or they won’t. they will figure it out if they really want him distributing his work again. And they will have to pay for it, which i always did out here. Or , they won’t and it is over.
Now he and Paul are probably having a man to man about what a problem women are and how to deal with them. it was listening to all that shit from people that broke us up. I was faithful to this guy for about 19 years and look at all the shit i had to take.
Now I can see they just weren’t going to let us live on own own terms . . right from the start out here. I am tired.
But it is a relief to call into work and hear Tom joking with me like normal people. and to say . . Oh, just some relationship crises crap . . when really, people die when their souls are broken.
when they are kicked too much. when people let them down. When people stage witch hunts and emerge as some kind of churchy good guy.
Mon 2-8-16
Feeling O.K. This morning. I’m off for a swim in a little bit and then, some coffee at the co-op.
D Kos predicting a Sanders nomination. Possible. Possible. He could very well be our next president. I like many of his ideas . . but can he really implement them?? Obama had a vision too and was blocked at every turn. I will say this for Obama . . . he did quite a bit for Native Americans. I bel;ieve ‘what went down’ out here in regards to me, was linked in to his campaign pretty early in the game. Around 2004 the left started getting real serious about using whatever tactic, however reprehensible, to get rid of ‘thorns’ and obstacles in the way of victory. I Believed at the time that there was a co ordinated effort at a smear of me , and i caught on to this around 2004, maybe earlier. At the time, that it was my belief that AIR America , Al Frankin’s baby was at the forefront of this out here. They were Seattle based. Several of the AIR America personalities went on to be MSNBC newscasters. And they let it be known in a big way how much they really despised me. Al Frankin became a Minnesota politician and requested to be in commitee on Indian affairs. To me, it cemented my view of the ‘media attacks’ as i called them as part of an over all strategy and it resulted in a sweet heart deal. Part of it had to do with the culture wars in MN and the emergence of Minneapolis , america’s gay capital, also the largest urban Indian community in the U.S as a pivotal city. Darrell’s fourtunes increased dramatically as a reward for his ‘job. Indeed, more lands were returned to Native Americans in the Obama administration than any other president. Not to mention the Cobell payments. Unfortunetly for me, when the Cobell payments came through it went towards meth in motel rooms with street whores and i got bugs, got pissed off after sharing so much of my hard earned money effort toward his art and demanded he move out. But it turned out all right for him. I on the other hand, continued to be written out of my own story out here untill now I am hardly a goast. It’s a life filled with pain.
Bernie has been courting the Sioux lately too. Or at least i noticed that he used them as reference twice when illustrating how poor people get treated like shit. At any rate, I consider him far less slimey than Al Frankin . . . or rather, not any discernable slime that i can see. All this aside. He is at least talking about race issues, like the incarceration of blacks and people of color, the water of Flint. But a lot of the things , like renewed infrastructure, he proposes, are desired by a working white people as well.
Unlike Obama, Bernis is a strong supporter of Isreal and prbably would have a warmer relationship with Nertenyahu. Not much attention is given to this . . like would the deal with Iran forged in the obama administration be rescinded?
This has been an interesting election year. i still think Trump is actually working for the Clintons, scaring people into voting establishemnt democrat.
But i might be wrong.
Wednesday
It is hard to feel bad when Spring finally arrives and yesterday got up to 62, it was warm and rich with waking earth smells.
The spring flowers are already poking up in my garden, the crocuses almost ready to bloom. i clipped the roses back, something I ought to have in the fall,and watched the the creek surging past under newly green weeping willows . . . I so wanted to be outdoors, soaking in the first taste of warmth and sunshine but my old body was sooo exhausted and i went back in to my small domestic world,and put my feet up for the rest of the afternoon, contenting myself with new and colorful yarn.
Who would have thought that lady from Minneapolis back in 1998 with her black beret , putting herself dramatically on the line and making a statement in Eugene with her Lakota boyfriend would be , when all is done, ‘Content’ to put her feet up and crochet. perhaps it is just just self soothing. But it is self soothing that works . All i am now is a lonely old janitor.
I watched the primary results last night and the speeches by Bernie and Trump and can’t get over how interesting this year in politics has been. The Clinton machine is kaput. Who would have thunk it. South Carolina is going to be a different kettle of fish however.
Do i believe there will be a revolution? either socialist or capitalist? No, i guess i don’t. But it is interesting that so many many people are so hostile against establishment politics and wall street and are clamoring for more power returned to the people, the limitation of super pacs, special interest influence, walls treet speculation and so on. Trump stumps on his art of the deal approach . . Bernie tries to gather up the demoralized youth of the occupy movement. I doubt however if the the top one percent is going to let go of thier wealth very easily, or any part of the establishment.
Darrell and i starting to talk a little. No apologies. No, I didn’t mean it i really do care about you. Im sorry for the things i did, the things i leveled at you, the way i portrayed you that made people blame and hate you, or distain you . . the crazy, ugly, misoganistic, energy that aroused . . . nor did i say, Im sorry I continued my relationship with booze that sidelined you at times . . that i did not cope with my resentments in a better manner. No, we just talked about food. What we were doing.
it’s painful to look at the drawings up on the wall, remember the days when Darrell and i lived and played here. How i used to pack him up like a schoolboy with a lunch and art bag full of new prints and cards and he would go out and do his schtick . . wooo the town and then party untill he ran out of gas. I think i would rather, however painfull remember how he was, how we were, then than deal with the tyrant he became when he gained mastery of his own affairs. Was i perhaps more interested in the rebel than the older man who became as rigid and focused on domestic imperfections as any abusive father ? maybe. he was more lovable then. or maybe he was more needy and i had a more important role. I wasn’t going to be allowed to be a positive or important peson however . . .it was under cut. i wasn
At any rate, Im still thinking about him i guess. I know what he says about not caring about me is true at a deep level. Ive always known he had psychopathic tendencies . . that he didn’t really care about anybody but himself. But he did it in such a interesting way . . it was fun to watch him work . . and get away with it. But in the end . . I’m the survivor, despite my crummy social standing, Im tired and achey alot, i have reoccuring asthma problems and am still prone to my dips into booze retreat . . although , I seem to have surfaced out of that and i think i will be a long while before i do another dip. Im still in my own place after 15 years, Im still in reasonable good health . . . . .so many others have died. Most of Darrell’s friends that he hung with on the streets have died. A few moved into housing under the new policies, some couldn’t keep it. other’s kept to the old ways, like two feathers. But you never see those guys any more . . those days when the street scene here was so visable and in your face are gone.
Darrell made it to sober independence and cut himself off from all memories, all association with those days. He doesn’t even let me mention it. Yet it took up so many years of my life out here . . . and before. it consumeds years that could have been spent, becoming say, a successfull business woman, a married woman in a nice home or any number of things. But things played out the way they did for a reason . . . .
It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
(later)
Saturday February 13 2016
Spent most of yesterday hauling 10 lawn and leaf bags of clothing, bedding and towels to the laundry mat and rendering them bed bug free. The rest of the day wiping stuff down from the bomb i set off earlier. Yes, the bugs came back.
Now, i have to tackle the kitchen cupboards. People around here talking mean again. what ever. I am down sick again with respitory problems, fever and chills. Better today however.
the usual scene at Darrells. he is using his car as a way to controll me, bring me into his place and then subject me to brutal emotion abuse. My bike got stolden. I have a second bike but it has two flat tires. Will have to tackle that today. i might have to quit my job . . Im sick all the time and can’t bike home late at night, especially when it’s raining.
Ever since i posted Darrell’s valentine cartoon he has been getting bites. 
It was, in a sense, an advertisement. He was telling me all about his interested friend who came over. Mexican i believe. and she likes to cook . . . that’s what he wants.
It’s cruel of him to rub it in my face after dishing out the usual crap about how i am the problem, everything I do is a problem, I am trying to destroy him because i am jealous,
He is sick of me and if people are angry its because i brought that all down on myself. Ah . . . the Karma theory. I told him i would not accept that . . . that i might tell him some things he doesn’t want to hear. Oh . . . that’s bringing negativity into his palace of joy. YOU are creating the negativity I replied. You attack to maim on a consistant basis. he’s under the controll , taking advice from people who are under the spell of that dialectical stuff . . . I no longer have a confidant,who used to see the same things I did, now they are the source of his validation,now it seems like he is only some one who sets me up to TALK so it can be used as fuel. They know what he is saying and doing . . hell, the place is bugged . . . and so they know that all this shit about how karen is crazy and terrible and WHAT she did . .and how he didn’t get enough revenge is all shit. They know. what i need to do is shut up, stay sober, keep my shit together and let Darrell alone no matter how hard he tries to bring me back in so he can do it again. if he finds some new happiness with a new love . . then that’s for the best. if you loved some one you wish for them to live out of the best part of themselves.
February 16
Went into the emergency room yesterday morning with acute asthma attack and viral bronchitus. they gave me some predizone (sp) oral steroids and codiene cough syrup. I don’t feel much better . . but that might be because I slept in my room that may still contain residue from the bug treatment. Ill sleep on the couch in the living room tonight.
Valentines day was hard. I went to to the store and bought some breakfast stuff and ate with Darrell. Then i took off, returning to find his new interest cooking up some steaks. i was polite about it but it didn’t help the asthma .
As for ther asthma attacks . . he says he doesn’t want to be responsible for me dying, or needing an ambulence at his house so,
all the emotional warmth of that aside, I am staying home now. the bike is fixed. I have a few days to recoup. I may have to quit the job because I am so ultra sensitive to any chemicals. Sleep. Sleep.
Feb 22 2016
So Clyde Bellcourt rattled Bernie Sanders in Minneapolis. I have to admit, I rather enjoyed that. Don’t worry Bernie, ive been rattled too and I’m still kicking. You can handle a taste of it.
Still sick, but much better. Paul cut and sanded down 4 or 5 nice pieces of cedar for Darrell to carve on. I’ve been posting pics and boosting Darrell’s cartoons . . .so Darrell is thinking art projects again and that is good news. Everyone wants to see him do his wood burnings again. it’s his good wolf being fed right ow and it’s nice to see the good wolf again.
Much to do today.
Feb 25
Still not completely well, easily tired, but better. Darrell’s daughter Rhonda popped into town the other night. We rode out to Lummi this morning and fooled around by the shore line. I am pleased by the pics I took . . . .captured their happiness and the serenity of that spot . . . when I stand aside from my ego and just let life flow throw me, recording by camera . . then i am so much more in tune with the universe, the pulse of the world. I do have a gift . . that is of benefit to this family. And i can be gracious and accepting of things. Resting this afternoon. Still having headaches and exhaustion. Gave rhonda my beads so she can make some earrings . . . it’s a lot of beads but i certianly haven’t gotten to them in a long while. keep meaning to . . . I want to get one more hat out before Saturday.
sunday 2- 28-2016
waking slow after a week of drive. Everyone in no hurry, just sleeping. i find i like Rhonda and respect the tight bond that i can see between father and daughter. She adores her daddy, and that’s good.
Iam still very tired all the time, always dragging but i quit the medications and i should feel better soon. Those steroids gave me such a headache. There’s all this talk about vacinations and steroids actually weakening our imune systems in preperation for some grand strategy that will plant a killer vurus . . .when you feel so shitty on steroids you almost start to wonder. anyway.
Today i think i will take father and daughter over to Walmart, as much as i dislike walmart and what it does. Women understand things like the nessesity of panties and bras. Darrell too needs tees and things .. . i don’t mind. What delightful things do i have to spend my money on . . all 20 bucks of it. it would be fun to go out to eat after.
march 1
When I am cleaning the men;s bathrooms at closing there is always some guy that comes in, and without waiting for me to leave the restroom they just take a pee right in front of me? This one guy, last night was wearing a 3 piece suit, looked executive. So of course, i left.
Then he was like smug and laughing at me when he came out of the rest room. One guy was young, a hip looking employee of one of the food boothes. What is going on here?? What does this signifiy?? Other than all suits in the world, all the executive jobs in the world can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear. That’s the Irish in me. It’s kind of a piss on you action, symbolically. Something frighteningly prevalent in recent years. I could write about a whole list of rather frightening occurances. There was some one in my building that was sneaking into my apartment a couple of years ago and peeing on the floor. Then again, there’s some gentlemen , just plain working guys who are sooo decent . . they would rather die than even enter the restroom with a female janitor present.
I mean what’s the deal . . . it’s not like being a janitor is such a lofty postion, that i have to be brought down from my femenist citadel of power. Im a hard working woman, really hard working . . . and you know where a bunch of that meager money goes?? Darrell and his family. You . . the guy in the 3 piece suit . . . you should ever get a woman who would do all that for you. You won’t.
(later) Still march 1st. pay day. Got in a swim. it helps with the head aches. The steroids seem to have bulked me up a bit and i don’t like it. I’ll do some yoga tommarrow morning and that should unblock me, bring back the feeling of feminine energy that has been so missing.
I no longer belong at Darrell’s now, and he’s letting me know it. Although i am marginally invited to make up some food. Some corner has been turned. I feel sad and alone tonight. I AM alone now. I took a walk over by the crik and watched the water falls by the park . . once a favorite spot. The wind was blowing hard and fragrent with new earth and blossoming fruit trees. I love the sight of the apple and plum trees against a dark and moody sky and ocean. I looked over the park area and remembered the many, many years played out there. over now. I have my bike all ready to go and my lungs are healed enough to ride bike now so i guess i won’t be staying there any more. Im tired of being labeled the source of problem . . . like i was destroying his house and bringing in a cloud of misery.
I was attacked all the time . . that was the misery and at least, since Rhonda came, that has stopped . They are happy over there and having a good old time. Perhaps it is as it should be. I would never fit into his world in S.Dakota so the break is inevitable. better to get used to it now.
I did finally find that delicious home made waffle I was looking for, and treated myself at the horse shoe. There is nothing more to write about.
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