november 2015

1 11 2015

Getting ready to take off.  Darrell still hasn’t gotten that tune up.  will try again Monday morning. Still don’t know if I will be traveling by train or driving. I iwsh he would get it together.  hurry up.   We had breakfast at my place, very pleasent, full of teasing,  just like old times.

Re reading the last entrys . . about my soul feeling like a world war one battlefield . . im giving it too much power. What one does is throw thier energy into those things that create reciprocal love . . . and it is there, dispite everything.

Tues

watched an Honorable woman . . . it doesn’t get much more intense than that. and that song . . the devil’s water . . .I know that feeling.  Can’t find a good version of it online.

I’m going down
To the devil’s water
I’m gonna drown
In that troubled water
It’s coming ’round my soul
It’s way beyond control
I must be one
I must be one

(Monday, later_

Well i was willing to throw in 300 bucks for gas . . that would have gotten us where we needed to go but its a no go with Darrell so i will be taking the train. I couldn’t trust the situation anyway . . . the chanches of being stranded somewhere on the road were statisicly too high ,it’s a consistant pattern with him,  not enough trust or goodwill .  There were alot of reasons. We will go our own ways now.  I am relieved that i do not have to deal with it any more but also very sad. that world war one battlefeild feeling has returned . . . am i strong enough now to go to St. cloud and endure my mother’s maddening incuriosity about everything except her tiny world. I must. That is life.  You deal with whatever you are dealt and try to do the best you can.

I do not care what the world thinks.  I was a good support, a good partner to Darrell.

Tues

all packed.  I just realized that i left Darrell’s place setting at the table, untouched. He went home yesterday before i even served breakfast /  I mentioned that I’d checked out the mileage of his car on line, times the miles we would travel and came up with a travel cost of less than 300.  He said he didnt want to deal with it. it would never work.  id be griping. so he went home with me following him to the elevator saying well O.K. . . just sit down and eat some breakfast. I have some danish.  We can just talk about it.  But i guess we couldn’t.

then I started picking up some funny messages on the internet and decided it was for the best. No goodbys.  No take care. have a nice trip.Dress warm.  Call me.  No friendly parting.    Im not going to beg if hes that rejecting.  when i look at the apartment I am leaving i see much of his art work up on the walls . . .there were some good memories here once.Once this was the nest.there was loving energy here.  A lot of it.   I felt like i fought the world once to protect him, to protect the energy of that secret nest.  Only to end up disparaged in a big way, all the writting i did about those times destroyed.  all record gone.  For what . . the good of the many?? And who are these many I needed to be sacrificed to??  whats so much better about these kids, now adults brought up on the Daily show??  Every woman who entered my world tried to disempower me and take my place in the last years.  the progressives rewarded him with material comforts and an easy life and then he lost his art.    I can’t bring those earlier times  back . . his spirit has moved on to other things.he wants his privacy, his football and his weed thse days.    I woke up this morning and saw the place setting still at the table . . . waiting for him to come back.  to come home as i did so often. I’ll leave it there.

Tues eve.

all packed and ready to roll in the morning.  My emotions are all out of kilter the past week or so.  But had a nice day . . . Darrell called me up nice as pie and invited me to go to Nooksack with him.  it turned out to be a very nice time, drug and alchohol free time.  got some estimates on that car. Ate an awesome meal at the casino.  Now i just do the final touches and off i go.  Hope it is not a disaster . . . .

Sunday.

Mom is doing better than she was two weeks ago. It turns out she had a reaction to gluten, her body just broke down. She also had a blood clot in her leg.  They put her on some blood thinners and a gluten free diet.  Went out yesterday and bought some gluten free bread and pasta.  I think I will cook up some portions of noodles and freeze them so she has a stash of them .  Also make up some casseroles and lasgna, gluten free and portion it out for quick and esy meals.

I dont know what’s ahead.  Im totally confused.  I was missing Darrell so bad last night.  He wronged me so much . . . its not forgivable, but i forgave over and over.  But it haunted me all the time.  That stuff with Curtis . . shit, i did a good deed and took the guy in when he was sick, dying actually,  when  darrell threw him out, and then put him in deotx  and from there the hospital when he had pnuemonia and his brother kept throwing him out in the cold and rain all the time . . deserved maybe . . .but at least i intervened and saved Curtises  damn life. Darrell doesn’t want to own that he almost was responsible for his brother’s death. Curtis would have died.  There was no hanky panky  . . ish . . . god, give me a little credit.   but some how that has been twisted into some kind of proof that I am a bad person. Like i did something wrong.  Im so sick of people some times and all the evil they invent . . and why??  why??  Even my therapist at the time let me down in that situation. Everyone did.  She did not advocate for me when she knew i wanted to get out of Bellingham then before some trouble descended on me and i knew it would.  And it did.  That is what she is obligated to do . . report these sorts of things or advocate if a client feels they are in  danger . . .not just watch it play out and talk about it over a cup of coffee. . .then i saw what she had written . . not a word about any of this, which took up the bulk of our meeting except some all encompasing mention of problems with boyfriend . She emphasised instead my ‘drinking problem’ and all the work we had done to find a solution, she mentioned hooking me up with Tracy Muirhead.  never mind that it took weeks for this to happen, and it was MY initiative not hers, and then Tracy never answer my phone calls oif inquiries for months despite many, many calls . . so basicly nothing was done. So that means there is no record of any of the serious stuff we talked about . . . however it did make it’s way around town pretty quickly . . .for whatever reason . . . I thought there was supposed to be confidentiality??  and once again there was this idea of a court of public opinion that assertained that I was guilty.  it did more harm in the end than good.

So i will no longer trust any therapist, again for any reason . . . its only intelligence gathering for THEIR sake . . . to twist to their own agenda.

So here i am, back in ST. Cloud . . .publicly killed off by a triumphant agenda so to speak . . . it was so fucking evil . . .I feel out of place here.  I don’t really belong here.  there is no place here for me . . .I know my family is here, some of them.  Lynn actually talked to me on the phone . . . a first in years so i guess my stepping in to look after mom for a while has gotten me some approval in some corners. It IS the thing that needs to be . . . her alzheimers is really noticable now, she is confused about the burners and oven and could hurt herself if some one isn’t watching her.

I feel like i want to go back to Bellingham so bad, wipe away the memory of these wrongs, and just snuggle up and give back rubs and tease and watch the birds on the shore line again . . perhaps Darrell was trying to tell me in his own way that he was sorry, now that he was sober a few months and had a clearer mind.   But why did he feel that he had to ‘finish the job’ to begin with . . he didn’t want to, it tourtured him, he even lashed out in his drinking at A.I.M and accused them of using him, sacrificing him and messing up his heart and mind . . . ah, that whole generation raised on the idea of mytering oneself for one’s people.  any way . . it’s not something anyone around here could ever understand . . and they aren’t ment to . . all those discussions about the sick and evil karen and so on were ment for THIS audience, here. And they will buy into anything the media pronounces, they have been trained that way.

if the reubublicans really wanted to win the election they would come out with the truth about all this over the years, take it to the top . . expose it, but there’s reasons they do not.

(Later) can’t sleep.  One thing I am really feeling . . something i almost took for granted is the genuine freedom of thought and expression that was allowed the Indians. We, think we have freedom of speech but we do not . . only we’ve internalized THE FEAR so much that it’s  automatic, we self police . . . especially around here. I shouldn’t say WE, I mean THEY. Only THEY can’t see it.  I am gratefull for my time with Darrell . . he taught me to see so many things. The change in the way I see my own family, especially the elders is the result of the time i spent observing Native values.  it was fun to hang out with a guy who was not shackled by THE FEAR.  I was used , made an example of by the establishment  to teach people THE FEAR,  so I found my relief in the untouchable circle of Darrell’s circumfrence. There was a catch though.  Surveillance. My place.  His place . . his freedom of speech made for fertile intelligence gathering . . he could, and did, say whatever he wanted as message to our government and there wasn’t a damn thing they could do about it.  However,it was not so for me.  Few people how pervaseve that violation was in my life. And it’s the one violation that I had the most distress about.  It was apparent to me, obvious as far back as Madison that this was going on.

I often would note how telephone conversations between Darrell which ought to have been private, were quickly commented on by people like John Stewert and Racheal Maddow.  What, did they have their people on this or just piggy backing some network of spies.  In fact, there were times , at breakfast, when we were discussing things like the Isreali army and comparisons were made between the reservations and gaza that there was immediate response that indicated Pro Isreali forces were listening in . . and sending their reaction via disquised t.v. messages we both caught.  We were scum. Filth.  I think this happened too in regards to Mc Cain . . . anyway, it was obvious that SpottedHorse and i were a fertile source for people in government, media on a different sides of the isle.

But they were not honest.  I remember Racheal maddow stating that “There was no love story . . the Indians were trying to Shame her.” Laughable . . Indians do not do shaming they run deliberate smears as tactic but they aren’t into shaming because they actually  believe in that great shame .  They don’t.  . That’s a european religious heritage being tapped, it was intended for european enclave i don’t care how modern or liberal on the outside, the internal heritage is the same and easily tapped. it can be used to punish, to keep people in line supporting the status quo, it is part of THE FEAR . .. . .and Racheal maddow said this on t.v. knowing full well that daily phone calls passed between Darrell and I while he was in Standing Rock expressing many, many I love yous. It was the left that was using shaming as a tactic . . . a more than unethical tactic, since it tapped, deliberately into an  underlying retro pschology . and created problems that people took notice of.  This is not helping , empowering women. it is exploiting and using them for a political end, all the while making them feel righteous.   Not consciousness raising.  Hitler did that too.

american white women acted like junior highschool mean girls . . they ate that shame stuff up.  They loved it and now they really don’t want to take a good look at it and see how wrong, how hurtfull , and hatefull it all was.  Its too disturbing so it has to be justified. A cauldera of male rage was also tapped by angry Darrell , especially the angry white men . . to them he was the avenger, the bullied one who stood up, the rebel. They lived vicariously through him.  This reached pschotic proportions over and over and was a constant thing in my life out in the NorthWest.  Maybe it’s time to take a look at all that as a country, examine the root causes . . . the breakdown of the traditional family, economic changes , loss of entitlement . . loss of power in a nutshell. The serial killer thing is just the tip of the ice berg. And school shootings. there were a number of younge women, college students i believe, who were raped and killed in Bellingham some years back and it wasn’t mentioned in the news.  This was when all that HATE was at it’s height  . . .This is what happens when you try to harness this stuff.  it was considered ‘creating a problem’ to talk about it.

I wish i could move to Britian.

Monday morn

Things are going O.K.  Mom had one of her bad accidents and it was my intro into poopathon clean up.  I think the reason she is having so many accidents is that she is not all there enough to realize when her colostomy bags are full. Im not going to rush this but i think my sisters and i have to have that talk about nursing home . . kind of depend on where Mom wants to be right now.  The amount of time she spends on self care takes up most her day and they could do that for her quickly at a nursing home, not to mention the problems with changing the colostomy bag, and all the accidents.  I can do what i can but I am not a nurse.Milly

I talked her into wearing depends.  it seems like such an obvious and easy solution . . . I had to come to St. Cloud to do this?? My Dad couldn’t figure this one out??   Mom is going dow hill fast, it’s quite alarming.  I don’t think she is long for this world.  She hasn’t cut her hair for a while and it looks like strange . . .kind of wild and sad and demented when its messy.  Her face has gotten that peaked look and she is so confused now.  How cruel it has been for her the past few years to remain isolated in her home so much and sustain injury and injury.  But i suppose it was to some extent her choice.  people don’t easily give up their homes.

Made some cream of brocolli soup yesterday for lunch.  Maybe Salmon tonight.

Whatever grief and pain was so heavy in my soul has bleed itself out now. it has not perhaps been talked out but the pain is gone today.

I have noted that the last few times i have been at my folks house that I have fear attacks in the night, absolute terror of some unseen intruder.  And I mean terror. I thought i heard the chair squeek in the other room the other night and it set it off. It is a paralizing terror and i don’t know why or where it comes from.  perhaps when I am at my folks house it is an environment where i feel safe enough to experience some usually buried trauma. or perhaps there is something about being here that awakens buried memories of some old abuse. But i don’t remember anything in my childhood that was that terriffying. I do remember being pretty terrified at Dan’s . . I had a basement room there.  I don’t know. I don’t know but it seems to shade my early morning journaling . . and I am awash in angers.  perhaps this is what is getting me in trouble. yesterday  my shoulders were all tense and it gave me a head ache.  i felt preoccupied. But i went for a swim and that helped a lot.  I feel more at ease now here.

later

Did some yoga this morning and i was so tensed up i was like a rock, i couldn’t bend at all.  Moaning and groaning as i put myself through some poses but felt much better after. Dad and i went shopping and bought a bunch of gluten free stuff. i also bought some depends and tried to talk to my Mom but she was in denial about the extent of her accidents and what a problem it was creating.  She insisted that she didn’t really have that many accidents.  What is so hard about wearing a pair of depends?? Doesn’t she care?? Does she like driving her husband crazy to the point where he feels overwhelmed and calls me in.  Well he called me home so i will lay it on the line.  Put your damn foot down.  Unless you like, really really like cleaning up B.M all the time.  I told my mother that she WAS having accidents, lots of them and wearing depends was a wayt of being a little more confident . . then i layed it down.  Your Dr. told you that you have to comply with certian things if you want to stay out of a nursing home an that’s the next step. I said it in a nice way but if my Dad does not back this, say comply or  . . . then its no good.

After dinner . . .another small accident.  I politely knocked on her door and asked her if she wanted to put on one of the depends.  She did not want to.  I don’t understand it . . perhaps it’s the stigma of wearing a so called diaper but hell, lots of people over 50 rely on them some times.  There have been bad days when I do, shoot . . . i guess crapping on the floor and making your worn out 90 year old husband clean it up, some times 3 times a day, is more dignified . . i guess trips to the emergency room and me having to go through a major move to help out with this is just a little thing because she is too willfull to comply and her husband won’t put his foot down.  What the fuck am I here in St. Cloud for then?????   What the hell.  this is not good for me. Our family is just too fucking stupid. this shit . . literally . . . is mind boggling.  Then she pouts around all jealous because Im here,  next she will be destroying my stuff . . accidentally throwing it away . . . give her two more days and my stuff will start dissapearing. Id bet 100 bucks.  Im miserable.  here i was thinking . . i can do this . . it could be a good thing . . . i can go to the YMCA across the street, get my own health, my own stuff together for a bit . . . .

You know what, I don’t care.  If dad complains about her pooping to me  I simply will say I don’t want to hear it. Clean it up 3 times a day then . . you want somebody to do something but the hell, they try to help and you keep doing the same old thing . . same old pattern . . . the problem is you won;t fing man up and DO something. Crying around all the time.  Argh!!!!

Wednesday 9th November

Not so upset this morning, but still so tense . . .maybe i will go down to the gym and work out after Ive helped  out with breakfast and self care.

A guy from highschool got in touch with me and sent me a video of myself as a teenager.  Funny. Sneaking a ciggy . . . trying to look tough and rebellious, but camera shy . . funny.  I don’t remember it at all. Nor do I remember anything about Phil .  He looks familier, we must have taken some classes together and i kind of remember his sister Cyn . . I believe we made a dumb movie called the adventures of super grape that got an award for best in talent show .  I made her a super grape doll.  anyway Phil seems to have become a writer and cartoonist in California and is also visiting here in St. Cloud. Not very far from where I am staying.  He is most anxious to have coffee and ‘catch up’  . . I think i will. it would be good.

And so . . . what have you been up to all these years Egerperson??

Wednesday morning

Another accident in the middle of the night i guess.  Dad cleaned it up, then Mom changed her bag and then cut the bottom of it off because it was too long.  Help me!!!!  Nurse is coming over today. We did what she recommended. We got the ensure, the gluten free stuff,the depends . . this mornign she won’t drink the ensure.  She says she will wait for the Dr. to give her the order . . well the nurse works with the Dr. and reports to him as well as communicating his recommendations.

Phil wants to have lunch either later to day or tommarrow.  Im affraid i will break down sobbing if I talk. But he is smart and maybe he can offer some working solutions into how to intervene and stop this craziness.

There is so much more i could write about . . .all about how Mom’s schizophrenic episodes went untreated even when she was clearly an incoherent, enraged danger to her kinds. Most men would protect their kids . . what IS it with my dad, what is he getting out of this ??

Wednesday

Mom got mad,and wanted me gone so I said Id be taking off soon.  My Dad was all apologies but I didn’t really buy it.  There is a pattern in my past relations with them where they draw me in and then deliver the blow, throw me out with the same satisfied look I could see in their eyes over lunch.  I was in so much pain and anger i just took the car and drove around  . . . I could just imagine myself in a big accident , maybe at the intersection near their house . . right there, there’s a stop light  . . ram into it . . then they’ll be sorry.  Then it will be over. The police taking a report . . . she took off, she was so upset . . . . yup, go out with a sensation not a whimper.  Look at what you have done . . . look at what we did . . . but of course, i did not. Although i was driving pretty crazy. I went and talked to some one who knew something about dealing with dementia.

it’s not like aging issues, and the underlying family problems that are usually hidden and now come out in dementia are unknown.  It’s not like resisting the dreaded word nursing home is unusual or emeshed older couples  trying to stick to their old patterns of relying on each other are unknown. Doctor’s deal with this all the time.  But it tears up my heart . .

I feel like I have been tricked, or set up once again . . to be rejected. Thrown out.   An old pattern that has played itself out  over the decades with much pain and i think, is the root cause of much of the tragic trjectory, acting out and poverty that have resulted from me trying to re connect with family here in MN.

I swore i would never return and i imagined myself telling my folks never to call me again untill someone  died. but of course, I did not.  I sought some advice, and self soothed by getting a nice haircut.  When i returned home everyone was all cheerfull like nothing had happened.  Mom and Dad were putting on their coats to go get  MC Donald’s burgers.  They know McDonalds is like the absolute worst thing in the world for Mom.  I guess going to the hospital emergency room for  gluten reactions and spending untold amounts of time in Dr. consultations, and sending frantic letters to me asking for help  and setting up nurses visits is better than actually eatting one of kare’s nutritious meals and actually eatting the gluten free stuff she spent over 100 bucks on.

My dad left 10 bucks on the desk with a note get yourself a burger. he tried to say something apologetic but i cut him short and broke into tears, and told him don’t even go there . . Im not coming back, that’s how seriously I take it.  Aww come on, he cajoled, you don’t mean that.

You playing with my heart, my time, and my soul I sobbed. I came heree to show my love . . you asked for my help . .

“And you DID help” my father said, ” Here”, he said,Pulling some more bills out of his pocket and putting them down on the counter. then some more, as if he were paying me for the abuse.  Like a maid, or a prostitute. That’s ST. Cloud men for you.

This is the guy qouted by Bill O’Reilly , on the air, as saying of me that I was a piece of shit.  Imagine how i felt hearing Bill O’Reilly say that on T.V  Yup, this is the Patriarchial model Bill is  trying to protect . And qoute as an authouratarian source on my charecter.      This is for us . . and this, a second class citizen, is for you . . going back to childhood.  the basement.  The ghetto.

Then my mom came out all happy as hell.  I continued crying and said “I’M sorry if i was pushy.  I don’t want to fight.  I just wanted to show my love.”

‘You weren’t pushy’ she said in amazement. “I didn’t notice that.”She had completely forgotten how mad she got over the depends and ensure. She was truely amazed.

My Dad took me aside and reminded me that the way my Mom had acted was a symptom of alzheimers . . that he got it all the time.  Look at what I have to put up with, he told me.  Then they went out to go eat their Mc. Donalds poisen again so Mom can get sick all over again.  What my mother has become is the result of my Dad wanting to have all the power to the extent that she literally rotted away in her nice home with nothing to really do, nobody to interact with in her later years . . . and my Dad literally prventing any outsider from entering this little drama to befriend and care for her.  This is what you call a good wife, a good woman under this system.

Darrell called. He had checked on my birdies, made sure they were O.K> and he hinted that he wanted me to send him a little change . . . I really don’t want to go back to Bellingham and dish out all my muzaska any more.

Even if he is the only one thinking about my birdies. I don’t know . . . maybe i do.  it’s just that being in St. Cloud even for a little bit puts me back in St. Cloud mode . . . that is material success . . . a higher standard of living as the norm . . . the creature comforts of this visit have me looking much better.  Swimming every day.  No desire for  drinking at all.  I did not once break down and find some relief in a few beers.

St. Cloud has much to offer besides this triangle i have described.  There’s some nice, grounded, smart people out there.  I wish i could meet them, the way I did in highschool . . . then St. Cloud would be alright.

Well, I won’t lay any of this on Phil when we have lunch.  What have I accomplished that I can speak of when he asks what have you been up to Egerperson?  I can say I have a little home business up in Bellingham.  My boyfriend is a retired artist.  I looked after him, he was disabled.  I did some cartoons a long time ago . . they weren’t very nice becasue i was being influenced by people who wern’t very nice . . they were about deciet and bullshit and wether altruism really existed.  I got in a lot of trouble over that.  I also did some writting . . but much of that has been destroyed.  I also got in trouble for that.  But i was a sloppy writer anyway and grumpy all the time. I played the violin. ran some kitchens.   What have you been up to?  OH . . I live in California, Im a writer of a number of inspirational books.  I publish cartoons that people like.

And to think we  made a little movie once called the adventures of super grape and hung out in the journalism department in highschool.

 

what else have i accomplished. I grew up.  I became my own person.

Wednesday later

Sanity returned.  Everyone getting along just fine, hanging out.  No accidents.  Mom drank some of the smoothie i made this morning with NAKED green and berry, fruits yogurt and i can see amarked difference that little extra boost gave to her mood and awareness. She was a pal again..  I shouldn’t be writting angry stuff about my folks . . my Dad is a gentle man with lots of quiet untrumpeted strenghths.  And Mom can be a sweet lady too ..  maybe we just passed through some kind of hell and emerged on the oher side.  i certianly feel like i dove into the dark and met my demons.  It’s done now.

I made up a bunch of gluten free dishes today and froze most of them for the future. A few soups too.  Had lunch with Phil and it was quite interesting. he’s quite nice.   Good to talk to SOMEONE here.  he told me his sister said of me that the most outstanding thing she remembered about me was that I’d said that John Belushi patted my ass in Eugene OR.  Was i so nondescript?

Or is that what’s known as an underhanded compliment . .

What should i do today. tommarrow, maybe go down to Minneapolis??  Is there anything i want to do around town??

Work out maybe.  Check out a few options, maybe even sign up for some day labor??

(later) Its no wonder i was distressed. geographical move. uncertianty.Grief over relationship.   Coming back to a town that didn’t like , disparaged and even actively hated me . . among other things.

Back into an environment that replicated situations that caused me a lot of pain growing up.  But I have not done anything foolish. neither lost my temper or had anything to drink. Nor do i feel like it.  Met my demons head on.  Not easy.

yes, this situation replacated a lot of my childhood from age 11 on.  Mom had these schizophrenic episodes during my gorwing up when she was incoherent, ragefull, attacking her kids . . .sometimes dangerously.  i don’t know what my sister’s remember but i was the primary target. to my father’s credit , People didn’t know very much about mentle illness,or understand it the way we do now . . they usually hid it from public view, as all family secrets . . certianly we did. I remember moms episodes, although I would rather forget . . . it was a nightmare for me because i was the primary target.  Then, as now, Dad asked me to help, to take charge of the kitchen, the household . . .he cofided in me his feelings of helplessness.  Mom resented this.  She often called me, and treated me a prostitute, before i was too young to know what that ment . . i knew of course that she was ridiculous and thought i was bouncing it off but i didn’t realize that id absorbed so much of that nonsense. perhaps Dad was finding what he needed elsewhere and she knew it, perhaps she was jealous of my attractiveness then, perhaps it was an unusually heavy dose of irish Catholic catholic repression . . who knows. It was like apressure cooker and we al escaped into our own little worlds.  Me, into my head.  kate and Lyn found other familys or friends.  Dad retreated into his own world of interests, his workshop, and was emotional unavailable.   Of course i didn’t share this much in school. If you live in a hellish world why bring it to the one place where people can provide something different. People don’t want to be around you if your not fun, or gloomy or talking about bad stuff that brings them down.  Or maybe they would have liked me more if i had known how to talk about my feelings then and what was going on instead of always prsenting a surface self . . not knowing WHO I was or what i really felt outside of my reactions to home life.  had Mom recieved some kind of treatment, perhaps much of this would not have fallen on me.

Had some one intervened. Had Dad chosen to protect me rather than preserve the outward structure of the family I might have become a different person. it took me years to figure out by trail and error, mostly error,  who i was , how to interact and so on.  People here in St. cloud are awfull hard on ‘the karen they remember’ from my early 20’s. through out my life any situation that recreated the stress of those years . . roomate situations or abuse . . . would cause me some very regressive acting out. What happened at the tail end of my Minneapolis years after i tried to move to uptown was such a thing . . and that is the thing most oftenused to make fun of me, charecteize me by some pretty shallow enimies.

I know who i am.  and any one the really knows me knows the person behind all that. i might not have much on my resume of achievements but my acheivements have been an intense working out of all this baggage . . . done now.  Im a big girl, finally.

(Later) Things much much better this after noon.  I guess Mom had another accident last night but Dad refused to clean it up.  He’s making strides.  He told me however that I had to go, get the hell out of here for my own sake and he qouted mom’s owlishness as the reason this morning.  Don’t know why he was so suddenly mad.  I had reservation to take off this evening and cancelled them last night because Dad asked me to stay on.   But i was O.K> with it.  I have put emotional distance in place.  When i was in Minneapolis and madison I used to come visit, it always ended in being thrown out . . it was a running joke among the black people at the emergency shelter, where I would go next . . did you Daddy throw you out already??

The nurse came by unexpectedly and i was able to get her alone and fill her in on what wasn’t being told to her.  She agreed that the doctor and herself would have to insist on the depends thing. Dad said he was willing to do meals on wheels . . yeah some major acomplishments. I showed him how to advertise for gigs and help on craigs list so maybe they can get some one in for hard cleaning once a week and miscellanious.

so alls well that ends well i guess.

Friday Nov 14 2015

then the wsh machine broke down. I spent the day scrubbing bathrooms and vacuming and was about to go get some din din when the repair man came, made some estimates and said it would cost 300 to replace the wash machine . . or 265 for a refurbished one.  I suggested going to Habitat for Hummanity for a 50 dollar one or looking in craig’s list. I was sushed.

When i finished my cleaning I sat down with my folks and they told me that the repair man had failed to get the wash machine working. They were so mad they decided to do something dramatic . . get a new wash machine and dryer.  Off they went and spent . . and this is mind boggling . . . 17,00.o on a new set.  I can’t even wrap my mind around it. They can’t get a maid. Or afford meals on wheels.  Or nursing care but they can drop 1700.0 for a new washer and dryer . . and how old are they?? How long does this wash machine and dryer have to work?  Weren’t they just talking about having to go into assisted living in a couple of years?? We’re broke now my Mom said.  Dad sat at the kitchen tabel looking stunned and pained , even my special meal of locally made sausages in good saurkraut with mashed potatoes did not bring him out of his dazed, pained slump. Was it a ‘revenge’ buying? Well Ill just go get a new one . . . f u buying??  they guy probably fucked up the wash beacuse they only paid him 65 bucks to diagnosis it instead of fix it. If they had spent another 200 they could have had a functional wash machine.  But it’s not my desision.  Not my choice. As Kate would say, IT’s not a choice I would make but it IS their choice.

Going down to Minneapolis today just to kick around before taking off tonight.  Mom should not be alone in the house. She tried to help me cook the sausages by trying to turn them over with a melon scoop.  She was very out of it last night.  But not pouty, just seemed so wide eyed and lost, and small  and frail.  I gave her  back rubs.

 

Wednesday

Went down to Minneapolis for the day and took a stroll down memory lane.  Tried to hook up with Juanita but could not,we missed each other.  The yellow house is still standing although my old neighborhood is completely changed.  I had lunch at a Tibetan restuarant.  Then my new camera gave out. So disapointing. Perhaps it is something simple.  i hope so.  Ity takes really good pictures.12238424_10208383903854958_766933500846013475_o 12240353_10208383906415022_6567126407882747704_o 12248192_10208383908215067_6853871530801211856_o 12265937_10208383904854983_8428619418842735106_o

had some great discussion with my diner car mates on the train.  A theology studwent from Loyola and the mother of a arab speaking daughter who was in special ops in the military , in Iraq and Jorden. We talked about everything from christian history to terror attacks in Paris.  I have been so preoccupied with my own confused family relations tyhat i haven’t written, or had a chanch to really digest my thoughts and feelings about Paris. Only that it is terrible, and significant.

Back in Bellingham.  am schedualed to go to Tacoma on Friday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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