October 2015

1 10 2015

October 1st 2015

So the Pope had a private chat with that clerk who refused to issue a marraige license to a same sex couple. wow. That was a tactical blunder if not a moral one. Could he not have met with some one whose arguements for traditional marraige were backed with intellect and integrety, not to mention a likeable personality? I mean , this woman has been married how many times .. . so much for the sanctity of marriage.   Could he not have met with a respected orthodox Rabbi for example.  Can you imagian the P.R value of such a meeting to discuss traditional marriage?  And why would the Pope be chumming up with a fundamentalist?  Don’t they believe he is the antiChrist?  That Catholics are not Christians? i don’t know what to think.  just when i was re warming toward catholocism.

sunday, october 5

Had a gas at the market and met so many nice people.  next to me the Bernie Saners people were set up with signs that read; feel the Bern.  Across the street another group were shouting around about how jesus hates gays and how everyone was going to hell.  They even had a wooden cross.  Thier signs read something like you will burn in hell.  They were shouting Bhudda is dead, bernie Sanders is almost dead but jesus lives. That’s alot of Burn metiphor going on.  i guess you could call it a hot debate?  Then there was the woman with the sign reading gay and Christian.

How can anyone say wether jesus loved or did not love gay people.  He didnt talk about it.  But he talked a lot about loving  evryone, even your enimies and his whole thing was bringing the outcasts ibnto the circle.

Monday

More school shootings.  Good idea not to mention the name of the shooter . . . . it might discourage further unbalanced people from doing a suicide-fame . Sad to think of a life so desperate that that is the only way to bring attention to ones inner pain.

10’6-15

Very ill with a chest cold the past two days.  probably just as well that D. doesn’t feel like bringing over cough medicine, herbal remidies work better. Cant do much of anything right now.

Looks like this presidential race might be a capitalist v.s. socialist. Neither Donald Trump or Bernie seem very realistic to me.  Sure, i like the idea of free college tuition, medicare for everyone and so on . . but how do we pay for all the trillions that would cost???  Trump makes all kinds of confidence statements about ending free trade , bringing jobs back . . but being president is not like being a C.E.O. And he can’t really expect to send back illegals.

i already know what the socialists are capable of doing, my current life is proof of that . . . . I just might vote for trump out of curiosity, despite his demeaning comments over the years. he knows what went ‘down’. How the media just invents anything it wants for example and presents it as ‘truth’.

Obama is supposed to go to Roseburg OR to visit the families of the victims of the Umpqua school shootins.    Roseburg is saying it doesn’t want him there. ahhh Roseburg.  I LIVED in Oregon . . . I know about Roseburg.  Oregon is NOT like Washington.  I had a house mate from Roseburg once. A young guy, cute, with curley hair and rosey , boyish cheeks.  He wore a cowboy hat and had a bow and arrow in his room.  Also a shot gun.  a big picture of some chick with ample breasts hung on his wall, she was dressed in white and advertised drinking milk. He was fiercely Libertarian and a fan of Ann Rand.  One time the neighbors cat got too loud.  He went and got his gun and shot it and then got some zzzzzzzzs. Shot the cat.

Outside of Portland and Eugen liberal mecas Oregon can be fiercely red neck country.  The christian coalition is there. Also some very independant people not afraid to speak their mind.  I would beware of Oregon if i were him.  But this will be interesting.

Thursday

Just joking. I wouldn’t vote for Trump . . but I AM curious what he would do if he actually got elected.  Still down sick but managed to get in some shopping. Darrell broke his front wiondow.  He’d locked himself out.

last night’s dream:

I was in a gulag somwhere in Siberia.  i could see mountains in the background. They looked like the Himalayas.  It was winter.

It was niether a bad dream or a good dream.

i see that Dana is back being activist on line against genocide against Blacks and  Indians, posting stuff about Leonard Peltier as a sort of  Saint.  I am not even riled . . . despite the messages( not so long ago ) she posted about how she was fed up with  the ‘war on white people’ supposedly waged by the Oglala. The last time I let her get under my skin it caused a huge fight between Darrell and I and i got sick from drinking two bottles of wine in reaction . Then everyone in my building  thought i was crazy . . . you, see, some sort of pschosis, because i was crying a lot.   Dana  wouldn’t like it if she knew what he had to say about what she’s doing. “Some bitch I can’t tolerate smart mouthed me” was another comment she made privately about her decision to ‘drop’ this Oglala group like it was a 4th grade girlfriend who was being shunned.  that does not sound very consistant with the  Buddist conciousness.  Now she’s swung around and everyone but her is a white “hate group’ racist who need to have their guns taken away from them because they are not stable.  I can sort of laugh about it this morning . . . but this sort of deception always seems to win out . . and it’s been depressing me to the point of paralysis and hopelessness beyond belief . . . i guess people prefer bullshit and deceptions.  I feel like Im being cast, once again as some sort of ‘hater’ . iv’e never belonged to any hate ‘group. When i witnessed such things   i went to the F.B.i years  years ago, and it cost me , god forbid that i might actually have some morality . . .of course all that is written off as delusion and lie now . . . it must have been projection . . . i feel like it is just no use, no use to even try to fight back in defense of my own integrity if others cannot when this sort of trash is presented as ‘truth’. Im so tired of it. and what’s with this Hitler stuff? That is just soo wrong, that’s like the very worst thing you can do to a person . . . who is really behind that?????   You can’t just say things like that about people. this country has lost it’s collective mind.

Im not going to vote for anybody. I might even dump Darrell too if he doesn’t tell Dana to knock it off . publicly.  it’s causing me so much damage, and causing problems between Darrell and I.  Just bringing over meals to an old man who is trying to leave drugs and booze behind, who is alone and can’t walk and onery as hell, and putting gas in his car, having him over for breakfasts ,  going out for drives in nature and buying him underwear does more good for the oppressed Lakota families than taking on causes publicly.  i did all that once. i learned the hard way, that’s why im so hard on her . . she won’t listen.

Saturday

Feeling better. I get a kick out of watching peoples reactions when Darrell comes over for breakfast … he’s alpha male and all the body language acknowleges it.  leslie tells me I am alpha female . . she seems suprised that i don’t know it.  i never thought of myself that way.  Came as a surprise to me.

10-18

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Did the market. had some scarves

Darrell scored some unexpected muzaska so we filled up the car and went sight seeing.  Very pleasent day.905963_10208221621718006_6919292075592821577_o

Went to the Japanese gardens and then followed the shoreline for a while, listening to all the birds in the fog.  that really brings me out of a slump . . . into a feeling of anticipation and excitement about things.

12094726_10208221617757907_6489222950136665992_o  Feeling good, but tired.

10-19

I seem to have shaken what ever has been hanging over me since my trip to Minnesota. Feels good now to engage in ordinary life, like normal people.  I quit drinking ,a number of weeks now,  i hope this time for good. And since then I feel like a worthy companion for darrell in his new stage of life, instead of being partially there, for me, him and everyone else.    I always rationalized that i didn’;t do it all the time, and i didnt impose it on others . . but of course it did influence everything.  yesterday i made up turkey soup, a cherry pie, a blueberry cheese cake and a big pot pie.  We took the Coupe de Sioux out for a long drive .  this morning i had Chief over for breakfast . . we had hash browns, bacon, juice . . and of course cherry pie.  I am at ease in the present moment now, neither thinking of the past, of all the problems and injustices that i felt had befallen me, but rather  of all the things to do, to see, to make.  My plan of action is to buy newspapers instead of watching news and to go out to coffee houses regularly.

10-23-15

Friday. Been working all week. First time ive had to take time to play on the computer.  A Piutte kid from work who was sleeping at the overflow room at the mission got adopted for a night by Darrell. he was nice . . but like so many Ive run into lately, he had mother issues.  About 3 guys this week have regailed me with stories about how their mother beat them or abused them in some way .  . . hello, Im so and so my mother did this and that and my girlfriend and i are having probloems she did this and that . . . . .  when i wished one guy a good evening he answered “O.K. Ma.” mean like.  what’s going on here????  Is monster Mommy the current trend around here now among troubled and/or unstable men??( A lot of them)  or is it that unstable men sort of gravitate to these sorts of temp jobs?? Or perhaps, there is something about ME that reminds them of their mothers.  Or am I the designated monster mommy of legend now  thanks to Darrell.  who knows.  Unstable men seem to have gotten over thier hate  frenzy of rage against the ‘slut’ the Britanny spears types. . , back then i tried to be super Mommy to Darrell. Now that monster Mommy is the current focus perhaps it is safe to actually BE a slut. Now that Im too old to give a shit about such things.  I havent actually been a slut in over 20 years . . i wonder what would happen if i actually did any of those things . . .there’s a trend up here of old white ladies taking in younger black men.  They never put them on t.v. though . . .

So if the trend is revealing the awfull truth about monster Mommy now . . what must i do to avoid any killer witch hunts that may possibly arise . . make better pies?? Make my pies indespensable??  that’s it . . make yourself indespensible.   Fork out even more money for darrell’s drug habit??  Oh i guess that’s some sort of co dependancy or something . . anything can be made to seem nuerotic, ANY behavior . . Manfred taught me that . . . anything can be made to seem objectionable , even the impulse towards kindness, even helping . . . god knows i went through years of THAT at the hands of unofficial behaviorists who felt they had the right to make public diagnosis to the nation . . a joke now . . . . to me, the only real objectionable behavior is deliberate cruelty.  and that, my friends, has been cultivated and judged to be cool and normal over the years. so it goes.  Im not even pissed, just amused this evening.

We slide even deeper  into a point of cultural no return and cant even see the elephants in our livingrooms. do i give a shit?? Not really.  i used to. i don’t any more.

Ive been reading about the Indo European Invasions   the past few days and it’s actually really interesting and revealing.  Here’s a thought , just speculation . . perhaps their aggressive warrior culture was influenced by a greater percentage of Neanderthal genes. Now that we know that most living people today carry a percentage of neanderthal genes, excepting  much  of black Africa.  the cultures the indo europeans conquered from Turkey to India, Iran all the way throughout the Middle East and Mesopotamia were not as aggressive. they worshipped the goddess for thousands of years , women held high status . . perhaps they were more Cro Magnon, genetically.  it’s a thought. The Indo European conquest of India and the establishment of the Bhramin ( Indo europeans) ruling caste might have been the first implementation of institutionalized racism. The lower ‘castes’ were darker people that they conquered.

then again . . who would be more fun to hang out with, Ragnar Lothbrok or some guy at the loom.  Hmmm. personally, I’d prefer the guy at the loom.

Ive always had a soft spot for artists . . .maybe darrell incorporates some of both.  Ragnar Lothbrok AND the guy at the loom.  Im just having fun . . waxing cynical humor. Not serious.

Saturday morn.

The only thing that is objectionable is deliberate cruelty . .. I modify that, oppression is equally objectionable.

D and i discussed this over breakfast. I asked: if you could live as a slave under a reasonably kind master, or free under a cruel boss what would you pick? Sioux, he replied like their freedom. Cruely is less important .  Only sheep would choose the kind master.

and on to th subject of sheep . . . i talked to my mother yesterday on the phone and she did not make an ounce of sense.  it alarmed me.  the deterioration was so noticable.  she had not been feeling well according to my Dad, shitting all over her bed and so on .. .i sensed a rapid deterioration and it alrms and saddens me.  what frustrates me more than anything is my helplessness to change their rapic mutual deterioration and my inability to recommend some changes that would make their lives better.  I talked with my mother;s doctor not long ago and told them my concerns and i was told they would insist on her wearing life alert and they would recommend meals on wheels and some hiome care.  They did not, according to my mother do these things but rather they insisted that my father not leave my mother alone.  that is insane!! he cannot remain housebound to care for her 24 hours when she so obviously needs personal care . . . his level of frustration is low and he lashes out .  it is not fair to him . .I cannot blieve that any doctor would reccomend this.  and why why why will neither of them make any changes rather than remain locked in isolation in their home with my mom completely dependent on my father with no one coming to see her . . . how lonely that must be.

I am in such grief as I see this . . they ask me for help but can I be pulled into the kind of triangle they want?? Yet i feel something serious is happening and i cannot be so un empathetic that I can wisk it out of mind with a speech about consequences of a lifetime of attitudes and choices.  I am thinking i ought to make another trip home very quickly and stay a little longer . . but not give up my apartment.  i could leave next week end.  if things are awfull i can always come back.  I would be destroyed if i stayed.

Tues.

it’s settled.  I am making another trip home this week end.god, i dread this.  I just shook off the thick mantle of despair that descended after my last trip . Just watched the last episode of Fargo . That cheers me up lots . . . . . sigh . . .. .the street scenes of the snow swept town are right on the money.  And that Indian guy working his indian magic on the little bunny . . . lots of inside humor going on there.  i can’t help but laugh though. This fluffy Minnesota bunny is being put through a little indian magic too . . .ive been sober a month now and being tested a lot . Im eager to get away from Darrells intense focus on everything i do wrong.  dishes. driving. cooking.   But As we drove down Holly street, past the park i swear i could see the goasts of younger karen and darrell there.  it was if they were not us , not as we are now, but some permanent part of some alternate reality that would remain there it was so emotionally powerfull . . it was as if some curtain had parted . . .and I was seeing this part of town as if i would never see it again. I have this terrible premonition. And despite all the negative things i have said over the years bout stuff tht ‘went down’, there were things that grew on me, became a part of me.

We have not seen Adrian for a long time.  She took off for Turkey to hike some famous trail, all by herself.  this seemsed pretty dangerous, pretty crazy to me given the  refugees treking through there.

yeah, i remember her sitting at the desk at Darrell’s . . me feeling like my own story had been stolden from me . . . giving Darrell the high five and saying, with triumph, “You and me chief, we ‘exposed’ her”

i came to like her though. she has a good approach to living . . . eventually too she saw something in me beyond the image that was ‘exposed.'( crafted by progressives)  and a certian balence was achieved.  Well . . .she was probably traded for a goat in some remote part of Turkey. Or joined ISIS.  Funny how things turn out.

(later)

jeff bush says he is tired of being miserable, listening to others demonize him and feeling compelled to demonize them in return .  I understand that completely. Absolutely.  if that’s what you want ( meaning the american people) go ahead and vote for Trump.  You can see the great hurt and anger and disqust in his eyes.    Actually Jeff . . that IS what they want.  You’re only now finding that out?????Take it from me.

Wed. 29 15

Spent the night catching up on the daily show.  I like Trevor Noah.  Talked with Kate about our folks . . she was ready to take a train back to MN and was casting about for good reasons to stay in New York.  I too was ready to deaprt for Mn and my Dad was in favor but my mother practically hung up the phone when i brought it up . . .Dad sent some money in the mail but i think i will not cash the check.  or at least right now.  Seems like i should put off that visit.

Kate said something that surprised me. She thought my mother had abused her husband. That she could be nasty. Shes not fooling any one my sister remarked.   Mom did have a nasty side towards her kids when we were growing up, especially me . . but i never saw her being abusive towards Dad, ever  so this statement by kate really surprised me.  Mom used to whine around a lot, and pout around Dad and sh expected to be catered to . . but it seemed to me that it was he that was always mean to her, making fun of her and putting her down all the time. But not wearing her colostomy bag? , , what the hell is going on with that??  It sounds like a little regressive spite making Dad clean it up. but who knows what’s really going on.  Perhaps Kate’s comments were Really her opinions of me,and my relationship with Darrell. especially the she’s not fooling anyone . That’s what i sensed . . and it bothered me.

Well people will believe what ever they want to believe, expecially if they have a bias. They only look for those things that support their bias and discard the rest. And god knows kate has had a bias toward me since childhood and she is very doctrinaire in her liberal elite absolutism.  what ever they say is gospel.

Saturday

I know why Ben Carson is doing so well.  He reminds people of mr. Rogers.  He is soothing an that appeals to us the same way that Mr. Rogers soothed and appealed to us in our childhood. Ratings showed that we all loved Mr. Rogers years go. Trump can’t figure it out . . . he’s like that kid in class who is always getting in trouble with the nuns and the one everyone counted on to break the monotony.  the rowdy one  or the defiant one or the class bully    . . .entertaining . . there’s one in every class. Maybe our need to be soothed is greater than our desire to be entertained by the class disrupter right now.  i sure could use a mr. Rogers.

Trying to decide wether we drive out East  together or go seperately. me by train.  Dad says the sooner the better but things seem to be stable back home now.  They got a nurse coming in a few days a week.

i feel really confused. And really depressed.

I really don’t want to go to Mn for very long, much less settle there unless it’s somewhere in Minneapolis outside of the downtown area.  The last time i traveled home, a few months ago I was all gung ho, well excersised, i had a job i liked to come back to but something happened during that visit and Im not sure what, but i think I was under media attack again in an unfavorable way . .why, for what great sin i do not know . . perhaps just my presence there . . . . but Im not sure . . . and i felt the impact of that immediately , even while i was in Minneapolis.  that’s because there ws some heavy shit that went down over the years . . . and theres a lot of people who have no sense of wrong or overkill about their end of it when ever i spoke up about it.  i think i got all the dots connected , and it has to do with leftist strategy, both her in WA and in the culture wars of MN . . but there’s some deeper stuff too.  Ive been thinking a lot about that . . . but i will not go into it .  i just don’t fucking care any more. The progressives have got a different game plan now .   i feel like when i look over what;s been done to my life over the past 15 years i am looking at a world war won battlefield. Not a leaf to be found.  Just a dead zone now.  As it was ment to be.  I do have plans for the future that do not include either Bellingham, Minnesota or anyone from South Dakota . . . a window has opened into a different chapter . . . a whiff of hope . . . but i do not want to talk about it now, in case nothing comes of it.

Darrell is taking his car in for a tune up today if he can. It is raining and will continue to rain for the next 2 weeks.  there is a good possibility of some snow in mountain passes . . but according to the forecasts there is only one night next week when it gets down to freezing. And it will get colder and more treacherous as we head into winter so if we are going to drive this is perhaps the last window of oppurtunity.

 

 

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