september 2015

1 09 2015

September 1

had Darrell over for breakfast.  Not doing too much of anything today, just resting. yesterday i pulled out the violin and played a little Vivaldi.  Fun.

Somethings going on here in town, ever since i came back from Mn but i can’t put my finger on exacvtly what . . something damging or negative has been said about me.  its obvious. Inm getting a lot of fuck yous lately . . .

Sept 2

thundershowers yesterday.  Rare lightening and thunder.  Everything fresh and green.  We fixed the blinker lights and drove all over hell, got lost, finally found the north shore drive and followed it back to town .. . a good day. Made beans and cinnamon rolls.

Paul Watson made some commentary a bit ago about feminists canabalising each other.  they just now noticed that?? That’s been going on for a great while, and not just feminists . . american women as a whole have canabalising each other.  Not so bad now as 10 to 15 years ago .  i could spend time anylising this . . but i don’t want to dip into it right now.  I have a ob to go to today and i am enjoying the private peace that Darrell has gone out of his way to provide for me lately.  Must stop reminding myself and others of the past if I want to protect the present.

He has decided to stay in Bellingham.

Friday 3

Took Darrell out to dinner. We were over at Albertsons buying toilet paper and didnt want to travel too far so opted on THE NORTHSIDE of all places.  I had never been there but heard that they had good steaks, so we gave it a chanch rather than go out to BOOMERS DRIVE IN for old fashioned burgers and shakes which i was craving.

northside . . .a place for old white alchoholic red necks i think . . . big wagon wheels up on the walls . . .boy did we get some funny looks . . . but the food was delicious. Expensive but delicious. We split a beef stroganoff made with prime rib chunks and there was enough prime rib in that massive dish to feed family of 4. Real blue cheese dressing on the salads . .. Darrell pretended he didnt like going out to eat there but i could see he really liked it.  it was my treat.  he has been sober for over 3 months now and being able to go out to eat at a steak house is a flag of triumph.  what is the point of staying sober if you cant do anything nice? We decided that we MUST go out to eat more often.  We thought maybe Skylarks in Fairhaven, a little nook with great food and live acoustic music in the evenings.

Im still chuckling about the Northside . . you would think Bonnie and Clyde had walked in.

Monday

Had a sad weekend.  i recently unearthed some older journals and i put them in google docs and have been re reading them which made me cry and cry and i couldn’t stop as all the pain from that time period came flooding back.  They are not sequentail and it would be hard for a reader to get a sense of how things came about as they did if for example they read the parts where Darrell was living on the streets and staying with me illegally and I am at my wits end and venting under so many pressures trying to keep my boat afloat . . . without reading the parts that describe our lives before trouble started, before Annie Leonard tresspassed him around Christmas and started the  escalations of irrational blame and problems.

I think I cried more when i read the good parts, and what had been lost, than when I read about the bad stuff.

It makes me sad that so much of that was on my shoulders and that now I am dismissed and contempted as just a slut . . when, in fact, i really was faithful to darrell all these years. Since the day we met.   i think the people who are insisting on definiing me as such, based on stuff i did a long, long time ago are doing a great evil.  They just dont want to accept the person i became , accept any evidence of personal strenghth and insights.  A hand full of old collegge roomates? some casual affairs i did not take seriously getting their own back.  pathetic. But that is what the white girls respond to  . . it’s the only thing they respond to.  they want something to feel disqust and cocontempt for, something less than themselves . . so they can feel like the winners.

The hardest part for me is to realize the extent that Darrell was the author of so much of this . . .and i have to ask myself why, why would i continue to hang with someone who did me soooooo much harm, while all the time playing victim??

Because,and i told this to my couselor. other women had treated me sooo badly that it seemed like the lesser of two evils.

For all his damage, all his faults, at least Darrell had genuine affection for me.

Wednesday sept 9

been eatting well.  Made potatoe Latkes the other day and D loved them.  Also fried squash and wild rice.

This morning I did up some Scottish oat scones. I ate most of them.  So good with honey butter. D calls them my Scottish Oat Scorns.   The pool is open today again after a lenghthy closure for cleaning. Yeah!!

Some business to attend to today but for the most part life is back in order.  Darrell is admirable in his change of lifestyle, h  e sometimes misses the street lifestyle and has trouble with the boredom of his new life . . . trouble filling the empty places  that skid row living filled . . . but without the focus on Darrell all the time i too have trouble filling the empty spots.  and when i look too much into that emptiness what i see of my life, so much of it wasted, brings me despair.

Its funny . . when i DO drink i don’t crave people, I use to desperately because i was soooo very lonely during my 30’s. When i drank Id pick anybody to hang with who was equally boozed so they wouldn’t judge me so much . . . and that was because i aspired to be in the circles of people who didnt drink, or at least didnt have problems with it, and when I  made the smallest relapse they were thunderous in thier anger and rejections went so far overboard and  so on.  These days, no one cares if i have a few beers so long as i keep it to myself and it doesnt make any problem for anyone else . . and about all i do is listen to music, or clean house when i do, sometimes get up and dance a bit.  what’s with the dancing i wonder?? i was a dancing fool as a kid, my whole family ws a dancing family, i have several nieces who were ballerinas . . kate is part of a dancing group . . . but I feel absolutely no desire to dance unless ive had a few beers.  But all this seems harmless enough . . only silly .

Well, must get going.

Sunday

Did the Saturday market yesterday and many of the old crowd had set up . . it was like old times.  i had a lot of fun chatting with everyone.  Lots of customers stopped, and I did pretty well in sales.  Traded for jewlery and some of nancy’s deco shells.

I bought myself a big bag of yarn over at Ragstock for 15 bucks and it is enough to keep me busy for a while. Yesterday really cheered me up . . . . and gave me some goals.  Thursdays a new spot is opening up in front of the Salvation army.

Put gas in Darrell’s car and almost called it quits he was being so onery about everything i did   . . and i was irratated because he is getting so  repetative in his habits, his music , same old Van Morrison tape when we drive out to Lummi  . . but seeing the mountains and  waters on the shore of Lummi is always soothing despite irratations.  Putting gas in the car helped. he pointed out all the special forces guys and the gangsters to beware of . . he didn’t need to tell ME, i can tell by some ones eyes . . how they relate to me.

Man i am tired of having that stuff hanging over my shoulder . . but the idea of just ending our friendship and  my world being limited to the vicious gossip of Lincoln square and the never ending cycles of tearing others limb from limb makes me stay put, my dreams of peace and happiness will never be.  Only what i can balnece myself . . . the crap, the animosities will always be there in the wings . . but these sunshiney days chatting with the vendors and listening to some intelligent discourse with creative pro active people makes eveything O.K.

 

Saturday

Too rainy to do the market.  I am sore  in every joint of my body from working down in th4 fisheries.  Picking up some extra bucks doin a few temp shifts . . . the last two days were killers.  I was catching king slamon fillets in baskets and hauling them over to the line where the guys dumped them onto flats for the freezers.  Not enough people, line was over flowing i thought i would lose my mind trying keep those fish off the floor . . and my back, it was killing after the first half hour. did pinboning yesterday, and Wednesday too . . . which i don’t mind .  when the fish are reasonably small the bones are tiny, harder to find but easy to pull . On Wednesday we were doing silvers. The fish was top quality.  The pinbone maching removed most of the bones and we were just picking out the rest.  yesterday we were doing King and the bones were like pulling out teeth and we had to pull all of them.  In the afternoon i got shifted to the egg house, which is less strenuous, and i was there untill 7 pm.  That makes a 12 hour day.

People who resent the flood of Mexicans to the U.S ought to spend a day in the fisheries and see how those guys work. Man, they are tough and their attitude toward hard work puts Americans to shame, they are always laughing among themselves .  Some of those blue collar white guys (and women)are pretty damn tough too . A little hard work is good for a person . . too much limits the creativity, just as too little destroys the edge.

I shouldn’t be doing this kind of work,but i need the money. if i managed my money better i wouldn’t but managing my finances is not one of my strong points.  If my S.S A ever comes under review, or a Republican president cuts back benifets i will be up shit creek when they ask if i was able to do this work.  I was able . . . for a short period of time . . . at the expense of agonized ciatic nerve pain, hip pain, knee pain, ankle pain, wrist pain . . . and because i could not get the vocation rehab going, which was conditional on my rehab . . that means if I take on any temp work I could be stuck with a future of this in the next 5 or more years.  But what can i do?  I updated my assesment a few weeks ago and adjusted my medical and tried once again to get into providence but there is this pesky 5oo dollar spend down problem that prevents my going there so vocational rehab is on ice unless i can get that 500 dollars.  Now there is still my parent offer to help me do some vocational rehab in St. Cloud in return for my help .  yesterday i had pretty much decided that was was a nessesary move wether i wanted it or not, all other factors weighed . . i may not wish to move to St. Cloud, especially now that Darrell and i have a decent life out here, despite everything, but I ought to be there for them now . . . .

I will pow won with my sister and aunt about getting outside help in for my folks some way this week and maybe we can split the costs among ourselves and call it an early Christmas gift.  At least for a trial month . . maybe after a month they will see the beniftits of meals on wheels and home care and continue it.  They cannot continue the way they are.  My mother deserves better than that.  Darrell will be lonely but can i honestly say he deserves more than he has got going now?  he has friends, workers and family . . . he could get some outside help.  and the boredom and empitiness and lonliness . . . that is his karma to  deal with.

Watched a bit of the debate.  Don’t think Trump will continue to capture the polls.  I think the era of throwing people off the bus and demeaning

targets has come to an end, people are tired of it and his history of that will haunt him.  I often wonder if he was the one who was  financing some of those commercials . . imagine how expensive that was . . just to plant some insults.    some one knows.

Sept 22 2015. Tuesday

Watched a program on Neanderthals last night that was really fastenating. they are completely revising all the theories about their extinction now.

About 15 years ago it was believed that Cro Magnons had wiped out the Neanderthals because of their superior intelligence and hunting methods and greater numbers. Neanderthals simply could not adapt.   This fit in nicely with the prevailing attitudes about survival of the smartest eugenics.  Then they put together the dna code for Neanderthals and discovered that we all carry around about 3 % Neanderthal  genes ( like the gene for white skin pigmentation) , except for people of African descent.  So the debate about whether Neanderthals could interbreed with Cro magnons was layed to rest. They could and they did.  Now they have found evidence of a huge volcanic erruption about 39 thousand years ago in Italy that would have severly impacted the Neanderthals living in central Asia and Europe, their stomping ground, where they were already stressed by climate changes.  Cro Magnons survived because they had spread to other areas not as impacted by the volcano. As did Hybrids in those areas.    They aso have found evidence that CroMagnons and Neanderthals not only interbred but lived together in at least one cave and that Neanderthals were capable of abstract thought, unlike the image of the brute most people held of them.  Interesting stuff.  It makes you wonder what would happen if the super volcano in yellowstone blew.

There was  an extinction event in North America in the past that drasticly changed the population and animal life . . that asteroid thing in Canada they believed wiped out the mega fauna and much of the population in the Eastern North America. What would North America have been like if that had not happened??  We would still have camels roaming around, wooly mamoths perhaps and sabre tooths. wild horses would have really changed the development of Native cultures .  Maybe camels would have been harnessed in the desert areas . . . like the middle East . . imagine big camel caravans crossing death valley.

We had a pleasent day yesterday.  Darrell came over for breakfast and seemed to enjoy himself.  His coming over to my place does not seem to resurrect painfull memories so much now . . .he even stretched out on the bed and napped a little.  then we cashed my check. I put some gas in the car and we went out to wall mart, i mean small smart . . or small fart , take your pick.  i got him some  new jeans and socks for the fall.  I got in a swim and worked on some hats and read a little.  I am reading ‘The Lemon Tree’ . . . one of the best books I have cracked in a long time.  I plan to do the same in the next few days.

 

Saturday 9-26-15

Quarrelled with D and then had too much wine.  i never drink wine and it made me sick.  Back on board to day.  We quarrelled about Dana . . all i have to do is mention her name and it brings on a quarrell.  She posted something in Bridges that upset some people and part of it mentioned her dropping out of the Oglala Sioux Nation group because they thought she was too white.  it really upset me that she would post this and i took her comments about some really rude person in Bridges she just could not tolerate to mean me.  Then Darrell got upset with me for venting about it.

I quess it was just one of those things that push some deep buttons and had me crying.   When i questioned Dana she said some bitch tried to smart mouth her so she dropped the Bridges group .it wasn’t me , but of course i had over personalized it and got myself into an emotional state  . . Also the stuff about the Oglala . . no one can understand the history here that got me so upset . . .she said something about getting tired of the bullshit, the war on white people . . but then she knew all that when she tried to ‘join’ that FB group .it was part of the attraction.   . .Ive written enough about what her trying to be the activist did to upset my world and especially relations with Darrell.  My guess is that they  did not take her with any seriousness or importance  so she threw a childish fit.

There certinaly are a lot of damaged women in this world who are still stuck in this me and my friends and wether such and such a person is in or out or healthy enough to be part of my group and all that.  I have been kicked in the head ALOT by women i befriended..Now my sister isn’t talking to me because i expressed opinions regarding my parents that she didnt agree with . . they upset her . . . so now I am getting that from her as well.  Why do i need only express the thoughts an emotions she agrees with . . only things that do not upset her . . . . or else i am the sick one who must be shunned or dropped . . . i was reporting on something that was disturbing me, something my mother had related to me.   But that’s the way it always endd with her so i should know that and quit trying to talk to her about anything at all except Merry Christmas.  I had asked her if she wanted to go halves on getting some home care started as an early Christmas gift.

Watched the Pope on t.v.  Now there’s a Pope who knows how to Pope . . some peopl critical of his liberation theology . . . .but i like him. I noted how

sour and unhappy Boehner and Biden looked in the background when the Pope spoke to congress . . . this was before Boehner’s resignation.

I find O’Reilly’s comments on Debbie Wasserman Shultz’s attack on Rubio  curious . . he is wrong about this being the most dispicable left wing smear on record   . . the smear against me was the most dispicable smear in American history, and some celebrities even commented on this at the time.  He has a short memory.  and i was a private citizen.  it is too much to hope that it will ever be cleared up . . only rationalized further.

As for using to Holocaust . . i think Bernie Goldman was right on target with that one,about being selective and avoiding criticising anti isreal demonstraions on the left for example,  yes, there are people who use this, hide behind it . . .not as much now as 15 years ago . it is very cynical . . i was bothered by it then . . . more than bothered . . .but that is a topic best avoided.

 

Wed.  September 30th 2015

Dreams

I went to the humane society and got a dog for Darrell and I.

Dream two.

I won a little extra  money.  i went to the supermarket and saw little Native American babies packed for consumption , still alive. In plastic bags . I was horrified and bought one and opened the bag , revived and coddled the baby . . i knew it would be expensive.  I also used up the rest of my money rescuing some animals , there were some geese among them, i also rescued or helped some young native  man . . when we got [past the check out  he ran off and took all my purchases, laughing as he did so.

then i was trying to board a boat. or perhaps a train.

notes:

I don’t know what is going on with these rescue dreams.  The humane society may be literally be that,  a humane society.  I am going to a humane society and getting a gift of companionship for some one.  In the second dream . . . hmmmm . . . that sounds like Jonathan Swift on stewing  Irish babies . . except that Johnathan Swift was writting satire, and in my dream Native American children were being sold as a commodity in a supermarket, still alive presumably to make a better stew or something.  I  decided to help at least one.  That may be Darrell.  Don’t know what the geese were about, or the other animals . . . perhaps reflect my concerns for the planet . . .in the end, the young man i had befrended ripped me off . . .that too reflects the current reality,in a sense Darrell was taken from me, culturally,  i am left with nothing.  Trying to board a boat or train represents transition or change, going forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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