August 2015

3 08 2015

St. Cloud MN

At my folks house. Everything hurts.  I took a tumble just outside Pike St. Market in Seattle and have a number of owies.

I alos lost my digital camera on the bus and my favorite black sweater.

Have not yet been out and about. Just hanging around my folks house listening to them fill me in on the gossip in their world.  My mother has a long litany of so and sos and how their kids are studying this or that , or getting such and such a job . . mostly people I don’t really know.  But her world is a small one. Always was.   They certianly have gotten more frail and really need some help from me, which they admit to this time . . . .Mom was recently in and out of the hospital again after some falls and they discovered it is her heart that is causing these problems.  She is wearing a monitoring device. she pushes a little button if she is feeling light headed.

I have some big decisions to make in the next few days.

Darrell is set on moving back to the Dakotas by November.  That leaves a Bellingham to return to, if i return that will bring sadness. The alternative is to go with him . . but his constant anger and obbession with ‘the way i do things’ does not promise a lot of happiness either. Then again, i could settle around here to be close to my folks in their time of need. No love for karen around here. Except perhaps right here, at my folks place.

Dad wants me to stick around for at least a week but that means losing my job in Bellingham, which ive come to enjoy.

And a great deal of finnancial distress.  I will have to Pow Wow with Dad about this in the next day or so big time.  Ill need some financail help if i stay here.

And what would my life be like . . . this is O’Reilly territory here.  The influx of Somolian immigrants is the topic of debate around here. Read an opinion piece in the paper about anti immigrant protesters speechifying down town, and some editorialist was defending  a big lutheren organization against charges that they conspire to dump these populations  from Minneapolis up here in St. cloud to plump up the ranks of the democratic voters in this conservative strong hold.

Hmm. Well, there’s a lot i could say about stuff like that.  having seen a so much of it up close and personal.  This little conspiricy concern is nothing,and i mean nothing compared to the truth . . which even O’Reilly does not have the guts to fully reveal.

so having travelled from Seattle with it’;s left bank books, progressive politics, home of Al Frankin’s former Air America to St. Cloud it’s polar opposite . . .I find i have some very difficult and heart wrenching choices ahead. but my life as i have known it has come to an end.  No more running over to Darrell’s place to cook up breakfasts and chat and taking the mountain and sea view for granted.

All the pieces of my reality have been re arranged.

riding on the train I became aware of how much my public image had been damaged by this ‘ share the shame’ campaign . it all makes me so sad . . . so much passion, so much trying, so much wrong and heart ache and in the end, i have lost my battle for self, . . . I hope some day the truth about all that will be revealed.

Tuesday

Not feeling well.  My left ear is ringing and i have trouble seeing and hearing as if a fog were hanging over me.  I wondered if hat fall i took in Seattle gave me a concussion. i slammed my head into a building as i fell.  At a weird angle.

I went out looking for a digital camera yesterday and found a couple (cannon power) i liked but didnt make a purchase because i was feeling so funny and wanted to have a clear awareness when i shopped.  i also found a yarn shop that is far better than anything in Bellingham or the shops Ive been to in Seattle.  I was in heaven, despite throbbing head and ringing in ear.

Made up some pork steaks with mushroom gravy over rice and fresh broccoli for dinner and today i plan to dive into soup making and stock up the freezer.

My aunt Ginny wants to take Dad and i out for lunch tommarrow.  I agreed but now I am feeling that, if questioned about my life i may just tell her some  things neither she or Dad may want to hear.  Why rock the boat.  I just don’t know if i can stomach Egerman protocol.  Cousin Patty also wanted to get together Wed and that i would like to do.

I heard something on the radio about demonstrators confronting the anti immigration speaker with shouts of ‘ no hate speech in St. Cloud’.  But I didn’t see anything on the news when i checked in.( Unless, it was about Karen right?)

At any rate . . i hope i stop feeling so wierd and can get in a swim tomarrow.

I wonder if perhaps my parents desire to have me close now isn’t a way of refusing to make certian changes in their life, like moving into a town house of assisted living . . or even putting carpeting on the hallways and kitchen so mom’s falls aren’t so devestating.  They refuse to bring in outside help, or even take advantage of the excellent meals on wheels for seniors they so desperately need.  My Dad’s eyesight is poor and he almost wasnt able to renew his driver’s license.  This refusal to change  is costing them dearly.

When i look at the diet it is so lacking in any fresh vegitables.

it is possible to spend a lot on convenience foods and have a stocked fridge and be in a sense starving to death.

My natural instinct is to try to help them. But wherw would i stay if i came back?? Here, at the house??  Listening to mood music versions of old musicals.  it’s comforting to be here, it’s a nice house . . . .but who would i have to be? The 12 year old who used to ‘help out’ by cooking dinner for the family while my folks tended the family business?  Once again, i am being recruited to help out people who are weakened in some way by disability in a way that puts all the power in their hands.  it would be that way in Standing Rock or Bismark if i went to join Darrell’s family or it would be that way here.  and how long would that last?? if i so much as had a beer i would be out the door with crys of outrage from all family members.

I hope i can get together with patty tommarrow and talk this over . . .family on Mom’s side might just have some advice, but i think they want me to come home and be here for my Mom.

(later)

Got in a swim.  Feeling really depressed.

Friday

Well I am packed and ready to return.Want to get over to Walgreens and put money on my green dot so i can book a reservation on the shuttle from the SeaTac airport.  My regula  bank is a Washington one.  i was planning on taking the train but when i called to make reservations the prices had gone sky high so i opted on a bus. When i got to the depot the bus was sold out until Saturday.  That left flying back.  I couldn’t book a cheap flight because Dad’s computer was malfunctioning so I went to the library downtown. A very frustrating day.   By that time the cheap flights were limited but I did get one booked.  The only problem is getting from the SeaTac  airport up to Bellingham in time for my job.  I will take the shuttle if i can  book it in time . . but the folks are sleeping still and they have the car keys.  Im antsy to get moving.

Feeling really stressed . . thinking a lot of things over.

I think my folks and i reached an agreement that i wo9uld return to St. Cloud to help out in return for some help getting established so i could do some schooling.  The idea of coming back to St. Cloud is utterly depressing. i can’t even describe how i feel.  But I feel that Bellingham may be dangerous for me right now . . and certian things that have gone down up there have not led to trusting and  endearing thoughts . . but it might be O.K. with time.  coming back to St. cloud means i have to take on a whole lot of old business . . but i could get some schooling.  and i feel I have to be there to ease some of the pain Mom is going through . . i owe her that much.  She is my mother after all.

Watched some of the republican debate last night.

One thing I can’t get about Republicans . . how do you reconcile Christian values . . the deification of a compassionet Jewish socialist who opposed roman imperial rule with American militarism.

but then the democatratic coalition reflects  political reality  not  social reality and that is equally baffling too.

Tuesday

All settled in now.  Relaxing now at last and working on a nice hat.  Watching an inconvenient truth by Al Gore.  Well put together.

I did major work cleaning and treating for potential bed bugs in my bed room yesterday, as well ass scouring out the fridge and restocking it with all new food.  made some dynamite chili too.  Nary a bed bug bite last night, although i did see one scurrying down the hall yesterday away from my deadly bombing campaign. I squashed it.

Darrell let me drive around today in his car.  The left signal isnt working right .  I think we would say good by if it were not that he really wants to have me drive part of the way back when he heads home. We came close to saying bye bye .  I picked up groceries for him but he did not want to come get them and i had no way to get them over. When he did come over he made it abundently clear that he did not like being in my place . . well, if you don’t like my place, my music, my world then you don’t like me.  Not really . . only what i can do. And he feels the same about my dislike of his street friends.

Life goes on.  I am ready. I am done with sorrow.  I laugh all the time at work, with my co workers . . . its a rinky dink job but i like it . . . I dont want any anger in my world any more.  I DO have a choice.  I don’t HAVE to understand shit.  I have spent too many years feeling i have to understand . . in the end, he says you don’;t understand me.  Do any of us understand each other?  Really?? How many years have i diligently tried to get people to understand me . . . through my journals, my photos . . . only to feel more misunderstood than ever.   To feel it has all been in in vain . . .

All is vanity.  We ultimately cannot grasp onto anything.

Saturday

Darrell being nice.  made up lots of chow for him. Really sad this evening.  i have a lot of heavy stuff on my plate and no one to confide in or talk to.

Im being hit with some heavy stuff.  Decisions about my parents and wether to go to St. Cloud.  Decisions about Darrell.  About my own future.

Would I bomb out in St. Cloud.  Be a faliure there.  I WAS feeling like i could take charge of life again . . now down to zero.  Felling like a washed up, unwanted loser.

Monday

Some really good happened earlier.  I found that a blog that I thought Id lost  , one that i kept over several years , has been recovered.  i think it goes back to around 2006 or so.

Now if only I could find the Eugene and Madison journals . . there has been a renewal of superficial investigation recently into the Eugene journeys of Darrell and I, and the events that preceded that  . . . .so i think it is imperative that my account of those times be found and available.  Toooo many people insist on this fantastic story of some sort of deluded covert mission on my part as being the reason for this saga of revenge that has gone on for almost 16 years.  if i had that journal it would provide a window into what i was really thinking about . . stuff close at hand, ups and downs of survival, life at the mission in on my job,  and depression and missing Darrell . . . there was no mission.

any way.  this is now and that was then.  I have been reading ‘for her own good’ by Barbara E. Also cracked one by Gavine Menziz about how the chinese influenced the rennaisance.

Wednesday

Spent a wonderful day with Darrell yesterday. he is trying to woo me back by be9ing nice and doing things i like.  So we went to Lummi for a drive and sat along the shore for a while gazing out at mt. Baker and the mountain range across the bay.  3 eagles came flying close to our car.  Later we went out to lake Padden for a while and i splashed around while Darrell socialized with all the passerbys.  There is nothing more peacefull and restorative than swimming out into the lake, surrounded my forested high hills, and floating on ones back, looking up at the sun and clouds and just . . drifting.  Padden is so slean, even in late August.  Today i think we will park and do beadwork and drawing somewhere.  The weather is hot and i feel like gathering in the last of the summer warmtyh and vitamin d.

Monday

Fell of the wagon Saturday night. spent Sunday re couping.  I had a nice day at the market . . it was good to get out again.  the sidewalker vendors were back . . .not worried about police any more it seems.  people were glad to see me.  when i came home i opened my mail and found that my rent for next year was raised so high that i wont be able to afford living here.  Also something about my health insurance being changed and coverage being dropped . . now i have to straighten all that shit out.  i never expected my rent to be adjusted so high . . god, that doug guy must REALLY hate me.

thursday

Got my rent adjusted, thank god.  also my health insurance . . some kind of snafu i guess.  They re adjusted my food stamps as well . . i wasn’t getting more than 27 bucks and now its up to 170 .  i recieved the retro stamps this morning and had Darrell over for breakfast and then bought us some groceries.

Spent most of yesterday cooking up; corn chowder and bisquits, tatziki  and falafel, a spicy stew.  So we are on a healing trajectory again rather than a slide into self destructive depression.  Good job karen . . .everything will be alright.

I wonder if there was some sort of renewed media thing again in the aftermath of my Minnesota visit. some  damaging charecter assessment . . again.  (let’s gut her!!)that would explain certian things at Winkos i dont want to write about  now.  people will believe what they want and need to believe i guess.

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/have-us-officials-agreed-to-clean-routes-for-mexican-drugs-into-america/

https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/what-happens-to-tony-montana-if-trump-gets-rid-of-gangs/

now there’s some articles that have got me wondering.

if Trump goes after the sinaloa cartell, goes after gangs will he temper that with ceasing the war on drugs against drug users??

Back in the clinton era there was lots of talk in the inner cities about the clintons actually bringing in drugs . . s0me people now claim that the war on drugs at the time ended up putting a lot of people in prison, that left them permenently disinfranchised, in some areas a criminal record kept them from voting.  prisons made money off this war on drugs . . just as bringing in the drugs seems to have profited a lot of people along the way . . at least according to these articles.

I have believed that ceasing to incarcerate drug offenders would clear up a lot of the racial tensions in the inner cities .

If trump were to go after gangs . . that’s an escalation in the war on drugs . . . more incarcerations . . . is there a way to to do both? Send users to rehab and still go after gangs.??

when trump talks about going after gangs it resonates with people more than talking about anchor babies . . . many people find the idea of sending illegal immigrants back inhumane . . almost like the nazis. but when you talk about gangs . . . . that doesn’t cause any twinges of conscience. Poor people worry about gangs. They worry for their kids . . they worry about violence . . and i saw the tragety of that over and over in Minneapolis.  It might bring some of these people over on his side.

I don’t know what to make of it all. I certianly dont know the end game. It looks to me like the government made money bringing drugs in, bankers made money laundering it, gangs made money distributing it and the prison system made money rounding up all the users, as well as dealers.  sounds like that guy in catch 22. but what do i know.

just thoughts.

Dream

I was playing something like forge of empires only i had a toy size castle, about four feet high and boxes of barracks for different soldiers.  i found a missing piece.  it was a siege tower with a removable ladder.

I put it on the castle.  Then i was roaring down some narrow street in a kind of jeep, part of some insurgency.  i came to the FBI office and handed an agent an envelope.  he recognized me and acted like it was a big deal, sort of like Ramond Redding walking into the FBI office in BLACKLIST .  he went to get some one and i was ushered into the office of the commander, Henry from MASH.  He had looked at the envelpe and said:

The next time you need to make a payment to allsafe you can just drop it in the mail rather than bringing it in here.

Notes; Dream seems to reflect a mish mash of my favorite t.v. programs and computer games.  The castle probably represents MY castle or home and the missing seige tower would be my defenses or boundaries.  the removable ladder represents my controll of who comes and goes.  This was the missing piece in my life for many years and the root of many of my ‘problems’.  the jeep and insurgancy is taken from the show TYRANT.  The F.B.I office is taken from BLACKLIST.  The bomb shell info or whatever turns out to be a harmless payment to ALLSAFE . . that is taken from MR> ROBOT.  reflects concerns with getting in rent payments and paperwork to make my life all safe.  Literally all safe.

Sunday

Huge wind and rainstorm last night.  Many trees and large branches knocked down. The power was out in my building and many places in the county for hours.  The wind and rain have revitalised all the flora  and blown away all the dead and dying leaves. A washing away.   Everything was so dry from the drought.  The fires in Eastern WA and elsewhere have been terrible for so many.  Many people lost homes.  i hope they got some of the rain.  Now we will have a colorfull , lush and longer lasting fall.

Bought Darrell some gas and we went for a drive out to Lummi shore.  It is becoming a morning ritual and it feels like prayer. Like time out to experience something more sacred than than our small everyday concerns . . not so small when they threaten loss of home or other securities, social status or even life . . . .but making the morning drive out to the shore line, listening to old  Van Morrison or Douglas Spotted Eagle and stopping to gather shells, watch the water and eagles is a way of connected to the sacred , even if it is for a hour a day.   all the people causing distress in our lives vanish and it is peace and gratefullness.

I am gratefull that he is healed and has a decent life now.  he is the Darrell i used to know when he first came out here.  And he has begun drawing again. I am gratefull that I can still be happy.  For the commraderie that still exists over meals and grocerie shopping and running errands.  I am gratefull that my parents are still alive, that they care for me and that I am not in any anguish or povery or illness.  We stopped in briefly at my place but he hastened to get a few things and leave . . . it still hurts deeply that he feels this way.  We had many good memories at my crib . . i went through a lot to back him over the years . . now it is all centered on his world, his terms and he wont visit me at myplace now that the restrictions are finally lifted.  funny how that all turned out.

Monday  A.M>

Wow.  Did netenyahu really say this;

“If we get caught they will just replace us with persons of the same cloth. So it does not matter what you do, America is a golden calf and we will suck it dry, chop it up, and sell it off piece by piece until there is nothing left but the world’s biggest welfare state that we will create and control. Why? Because it is the will of God, and America is big enough to take the hit so we can do it again and again and again. This is what we do to countries that we hate. We destroy them very slowly and make them suffer for refusing to be our slaves.” — Netanyahu

Supposedly he was secretly taped with some cronies at Fink’s bar in Jerusalem back in 1990s.

(later)

looked into it a bit.  Some publications say the story is authenticated.   found one thread that swears it is a false story and that anyone who has heard netenyahu speak would recognize that this is not his speech pattern, the way he expresses things and the quote is most likey concocted.  1990 was quite a long time ago , and it sounds 1990ish    . . but, nothing surpises me much either way.

.

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