march 2015

1 03 2015

March 1st

dress hunting continues with no results.  Found a fat ladys store called Torrid and they did have some cool dresses with lipstick kisses and tropical fruits and stuff but nothing grave enough for a funeral. what they did have was in such high demand . . . i have never seen a store with so many customers lined up to use the fitting rooms. We are an obese nation . . retailers who corner the market are over come with demand.  Found a plain black skirt at J.C and a long gypsy black skirt at Fred Myers and i guess i will have to do with that.  Also gleaned a bunch of patterns from Ragstock.  I might just sew myself something.  either that or let my mother know that dresses are out of the question for 58 year old, obese butternut squash karen. A nice pant suit mayby?? when i saw myself in the mirror i was so dismayed at how much I had aged in even a 6 month period.  Varicose veins . . which i never had, lumpy legs. thick ankles.  flabby , saggy tummy . . flabby saggy arms, I was a cutie once but no more. I am not an attractive woman any more.  i seem to have balooned out almost overnight.

Darrell is in love with a new cutie.  We call her Alaska.  She is a native womean who lives in her car.an activist girl.   She reminds me of people i used to know and hang out with in my oregon days and i wish i could say I kind find reason to to dislike my replacement but i I like her, and i cant seem to get angry or jealous over this.  I told darrell i thought she was good for him.  i saw that right from the start.  i can see he wants to branch off but still wants the security of the known . . .but it cant continue like that. All i can do is give my blessing, be a big girl and go on.  I cant be the joke that comes over and does the cooking and the dishes and foot rubs, the fat butternut squash in the background, the old reliable while he sets forth a tentative foot into the unknown.donna20Darrell2020Karen20and20curtis

march 3

pay day!  Went to the food bank and got chow for the spottedHorse brothers and myself yesterday, lots of it. Brought it all over and we spent some time processing it . . lots of fruit and greens and of course the usual eggs, milk, bread, rice, beans and a meat item apeice. it felt good to have things in harmony again. The two of them continue to stay clean and sober and i am impressed with the resolve even when oppurtunity prsents itself.

I am swimming regularly and feel much better about my physical self. trimming up.  Today I will make some tamales or enchiladas and take care of business.  it is good to spend some time alone in my own apartment.  I am still trying to process what the hell happened the past two months . . how and why it got so bad.  I also note that people around town are treating me with contempt, so i guess there are some rumors afoot and I am back to being the fucking whore or something ( the TRUTH  we all know)  . I find that the hate subsides once i am ‘put in my place’ . . that is, a derogatory role once again . . . even though i know I did a good thing, not a bad.  For some reason people need this from me in comparison to themselves.  But the truth is quite the opposite . . i seems to me that I am more sinned against  than sinner.  And they all know it.

march 5

Life continues to be good.   Working on home projects, so many of them to do.  thoughts on the Isreali prime ministers address to congress i will keep to myself. What difference does it make to anyone what i think of iran’s  capibilities. What do i really know about it.   Only one thing . . .he said something about if iran wanted to be treated like a normal country it needed to behave like a normal country.  Riotous applause.What is a ‘normal country exactly? and who determines it?  He sounds like he is tapping into the behaviourist shaming with that well calculated phrase.

march 12

Been a bad week. Staying home mostly. Curtis went to jail . . . don’t know why.  he wasn’t drinking and he’s generally very quiet . . . perhaps that is the reason.  He’s an easy target for police who would want to up their arrests and collect fines. The 3 of us took a trip to Fairhaven and walked back this weekend but i have not been over to Darrells since then. I have had some drinking issues . . a few days ago I was working in the garden around noon and had a few beers, not more than a six pack total the remainder of the day but being in the garden is the last thing i remember untill 1 a.m.  i was feeling pretty good about being given a second chanch at work, and i failed to show and this time there is no forgiveness.  I am awaiting the paperwork that will let me do treatment someplace.  A change of scenery may help.  Ive had a lot of things happen that made me feel defeated although i continued to give a lot of help and support for Darrell.  I enjoyed making meals over there,  Darrell liked me to come over and have meals, stay over and do back rubs . . but he had withdrawn any commitment to the relationship and that has been so painfull.  ive had a lot of difficulty sorting it all out. For better or worse it was a source of frindship and love in my world. Some times he would say good things, supportive things like “You don’t know how strong you are.” but most of the time i felt starved for affirmation of any kind. The solitary drinking is perhaps understanable, given the circumstances, but it has distroyed the few things I had that were a source of self esteem . . like holding my job. Having creative projects.  Feeling fit. having friendships.  I think i will be going to Tacoma as soon as the paperwork is finished up and a bed date can be set.  Tacoma used to be kind of a rough place but it isn’t anymore, it’s become kind of a cool place.

I spent most of yesterday watching ‘the staircase’, the documentary about Micheal Peterson trial which was absolutely riviting.  I was sensing something in the community . . . i was at the grocery store and witnessed a man having a seizure.  I commented that perhaps it was due to drug or alcholhol and another passerby got really angry at me.  Told me my ‘ignorance’ was the kind of thing that really got under his skin . It was a diabetic seizure. he said this a number of times . . how my comment really got under his skin.  My thought was that it was a pretty exagerated reaction to a passing observation. Darrell has had seizures and they are nothing like the way this man was acgting. it seemed like a pretty normal thought on my part . . . people DO have seizures due to bad drugs.  So I guess there is an elevated rage about town over things i comment on . . .perhaps that’s what lay behind the attitudes I encountered the past few months at Darrells.

Alicia points out to me that there seems to be an unwritten law that I can’t have opinions but others can, i cannot make any critical observations but others can say anything they want about and to me. Perhaps this would be different in a different community.  perhaps i can start  fresh in Tacoma.

Maybe.  Even though I have been totally distroyed by the narrative that casts me as a terrible person,a hater or something. Alicia doesn’t see this.  or at least she says she doesn’t  but apparently People in Darrell’s world do, some of them.  Its funny . . if you are nice to people then your phoney and they say they would rather you just flat out hated them openly.  If you go your own way then your stuck up and need to learn your place . . . need to be confronted.  If you are critical of situations that are causing you hardship or pain then your a hater.  it’s become a crazy country.

I was watching the nightly show last night and they were talking about political correctness and banned words.  All of the guests felt that political correctness had gone too far . . .one guest, from Iran, talked about how freedom of speech was one of the great  tenents of liberalism but this country was veering into totalitarianism with its ‘mob behaviours’ or dogpiling of people judged to have said something offensive and becoming like iran and Korea.   They are only now noticing this??  I saw this and wrote on it many, many years ago when i saw the extremety of the way it was applied to me.  Every word i said, in private even was raked through in search of something that could be construed as hatefull or ignorant.It was a deliberate policy and the like minded people that engaged it in had plenty of slogans and inside jokes about how it was coming along.The goal was to demonize me as beyond the pale . . . The left violated so many of my rights that are tenents of liberalsim, and worst of all they flat out invented what ever narrative they wanted.  it’s probably good that i missed the last rounds of what i called ‘media attack’ . . . I could pick up quite a lot from other peoples reactions following this to figure it out and it has been devastating . . . I sought to be a loving person, i took a certian pride in the way i kept Darrell the artist afloat over the years and all that was destroyed.  Destroy her image was one of the slogans . . but not her.  Than it changed to ‘let’s finish the job.” let’s finish this. Jokes about moping it up.  There IS something wrong with a country where people decide wether or not to kill some one for the wrong opinion as if it was the most ordinary, casual,thing in the world . . . and for me, it has become the norm.   Im glad Mr. whidmar tackled the issues of how political correctness had become a frightening tool to create a liberal totalitarianism. I never thought i would hear this discussed on t.v, much less agreed apon by all the guests in a non conservative channel.

For my part, I have other concerns right now than to pick up this tattered old flag.  I know they want me and my ‘nonsense’ to be forgotten  but i hope that someday how really shamefull all this exagerated rage and intolerance was will be recognized.  Do I need to take a look at my side of the street? Maybe.

what did i say or do to provoke? provok is one of those words that is misused . . . some times just being alive, or refusing to kow tow to bullying can be seen as provoking.   I am cast as ‘the one who started it all’ and i guess that makes everyone feel good but that wasn’t so.  When i moved out to Bellingham at the end of 2001 all I did was mind my own business. I played my violin, I decorated and explored the region.  I recieved verbal threats right from the start . . move or else. WE don’t want you here. But i figured it would go away with time and I refused to be intimidated.  Nor did i write about it or comment on it much. i wasn’t bothering any one and i did NO writting about my own life .  I did not put any of my journals into the public domain untill 2007. I had kept them but hadn’t shared them . Only to the extent that there was intelligance gathering and hacking going on into my computer and emails.  when Darrell came out to Bellingham everyon thought he was a man with a plan and they wished for some kind of pay back on the one who started it all . . . everyone was giving him the thumbs up . . . .iI over heard many conversations and comments from co workers that clued me into was was ‘going down’  A lot of smear was spread, mostly through a street level but not entirely,  it influenced many of the students many of whom are in positions of authority now, counselors, supervisors etc . . . they called it’confronting’ but most of it wasn’t even true.

I knew how Darrell was destroying my image . . . but i still stuck by him, sheltered him, gave this community his art, and loved him even though I wrote critcally at times about what he was doing.All  That took some inner strength.  Now all that has been forgotten. It makes me sad to know that I am seen as some one who abused him . Some one who was nessesary for him to liv off of but some one to be thrown away at the first oppurtunity . and others had to step in and rescue him.  The thing was, they wanted to controll of Darrell . . they didn’t want us loving each other.when we were strong, sober, active and enjoying each others company we were sabotaged over and over and over.    They wanted me to be the out cast.  and this was acomplished with time.  I try to forget it all . . but it has taken a huge psychological toll. Now it is time to move on . . . what, if anything can a salvage from this wreckage??

March 14

Took a car ride along Mt. Baker High way and spent some time at Silver Lake, very peaceful and restorative to get away and enjoy nature.  Later stopped at the casino .

Time to put flowers in the garden.  It is all prepped.  Got in a good nights sleep and plan to get over to the swimming pool today.  I have to get working on the beadwork as well.  Have not heard from the lady who did my accessment although I called her several times so perhaps they have forgotten. don’t consider it a priority.

3-16-15

bought beads and began work on earrings yesterday. Must workshop intensely this week in prep for April.  Also replenished Darrell’s card and print stock ( he kicked in for most of it). Most of the lovely earlier work he did can no longer be reproduced because he has either lost of mistakenly sold his master copies and he is having difficulty realizing that without new art work what he has to show is pretty limited now .  There are prints of older stuff but it dowloaded from facebook and not of any quality.

.  the woman who did my assessment and was supposed to be doing my paperwork up has not answered any of my follow up calls.  isn’t that her job??  why do so many people feel like they don’t have to do their job when it comes to me.  maybe doing anything beyond the assessment isnt what she’s paid for?? I can’t move forward with the vocational rehab without this.  I knew that would happen.  i told Darrell i knew this would happen.   Aint nobody going to help me that’s for sure so i just got to dust myself off , conquer my emotions,forgive myself for losing my grip , pull myself together  and find joy again in the things I once did. Planting flowers, onions and herbs has a way of doing that. I treated myself to a new book.  I am excited to sit down to nonstop beading this week.

Well the world awaits the outcome of the Isreali elections. There is a scandal in the news alleging that significant cash was paid to ABB ( anybody but Bibi) by forces in our own government opposed to Netenyahu in the hopes of influencing the Isreali election vote. Apparently the funds went to a group that advocates for 2 state solution.  I think there is probably A LOT of cloak and dagger stuff going on with this drive towards a 2 state solution and we aren’t far away . . if nothing bad happens.  this scandel would be that something bad.  But of course, i might be wrong.  it’s not like governments never before tried to influence the elections in another country.

Wednesday

Alone at Darrell’s place.  Beading and watching the soup. Listening to some old chieftans.  We talked and made up. lastnight Zefferilli’s romeo and juliet were on t.v.. We lay and scratched each other’s butts through out the tomb scene. It may not be high drama, but it will do.

Thursday 3-19-15     P3140165 P3140166 (1) P3140168 P3170170 P3170173

If Romeo and Juliet had lived into their 60’s would they be laying around scratching each others butts? Arm wrestling over the remote and quibbling over  wether to watch  Andy Griffith or some dumb love story called karenet and Darrello?      Darrell scored a huge t.v. yesterday and a high end entertainment center.  some nieghbors had to haul it up the stiars and it damn near killed them.  I had to take it from there.  Wow.  His place is actually looking a bit elegant now.  i still am happy to be home though, un elegant as it is. there’s an aesthetic at my place much different than Darrells, for me it is peace, quiet, freedom to enjoy my interests without judgement. Darrells place is always full of criticism, anger, volitility,complaining.At least while I am there.  he talks about my coming to south Dakota with him when he returns for good but that is out of the question. I can be happy when Im left alone.

Sunday  3-22

I in herited an entertainment center and spent the day reorganizing my livingroom.  i threw out a bunch of stuff, including my makeshift bookshelf.  I couldn’t bring myself to throw away any more books so i just stashed them in the entertainment cupboards  , keeping out only the ones i really like. wow.  It looks nice now. Not so tacky and poor bohemian.  Everyone is switchign over to HD flatscreens and getting rid of their old fashioned and cumbersome enertainment centers and huge, heavy t.v.s.  Im so retro that i consider  consider it a happy upgrade to aqquire these cast offs.  Now if i can get a home computer instead of using the ones in the lunch room . . . . shouldn’t be a problem, if i stay.  I am schedualed to do an orientation on WEdnesday to begin work again at my old job at Trident. I need to accumulate some cash for a while. Always liked working at Trident.

I guess some girl brought charges against Darrell for assualt.  A signed statement. she showed the marks to a police officer as evidence.   Im glad some one finally stood up to his treatment when hes drugging. He needs to realize that people take it seriously when he violently and regularly throws them out  and there are consequences and he cant just sober up and charm his way back into everyones good graces.  This behaviour was causing me, and others a lot of grief and some times harm . Curtis was repeatedly injured and came close to dying of pnuemonia because of this attack behavior over ‘the house.’  its been a lot more serious than just alienating friends and driving people away.  he had to speak to his landlord or something about it and ofcourse he blamed it on all those rotten street people he felt sorry for who took advantage of his kindness and messed up his place.

Of course he did the same when he was homeless and stayed with me, big time. and when i got mad he managed to convince social workers and friends alike that HE was being abused and waged war on me that existed untill this final ‘payback’ this winter.  . Now I hear him justifying his meanness towards me as ‘evening up the score’ . . we are even now he tells Curtis, about me.  But these charges against him bring home the reality he isnt facing . Up untill now none of his friends have pressed charges for assualt, it’s kind of the unwritten law of the street.  But they are fed up and if he doesnt quit it  it will probably happen again.

3/27

Why am I reporting and writting so critically of Darrell’s world?  In some ways i have been treated with more humor and acceptance there than anywhere else. I am trying to think of the good things this morning.  cooking and eatting meals together is a bonding thing. And it is something we all enjoy.  Perhaps because it brings back memories of traditional family.  My family must have been similar to Darrell’s when it came to dinner rituals. Setting the table, clearing the dishes . . all very traditional but i like it. Its the closest I have to family.  His family has been more inclusive than my own despite certian things that rise up and disturb me.  And he is actually being nicer to me now .  By writting about problems in my life that concern me i am setting a tone, so as an excersise i will try to concentrate on the good things, all the things that are right instead of wrong.

Got potatoes in the ground, canteloupe, onions, lots of parsley and spinach, cosmos, gladiolas.  I also managed to finish off 7 sets of earrings this week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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