january 2015

3 01 2015

January 5th 2015 Darrell has a lap top now. He insisted on buying it himself although I offered to chip in when we were scouting out the stores and getting frayed.  It ended in stoney silence,  and he refused my calls for a day or so. As usual, I tried to woo him back into better humor by buying some groceries and scouting craigs list sellers out and sending them Darrell’s way with some good deals. And that’s how he got his computer for less than a hundred and still made the final choice himself. This is a Darrell who is now pretty independent except for rides and resource planning from andrea and foot and back rubs from me, and an occasional meal. As for me, I did some training as a receptionist yesterday.  I was no nervous that I fear I did not project the confidence I wished.  If the job works out I will be representing an attorneys office. Funny how things work out. (later) it didn’t work out.  I wasn’t considered to be a good fit, although i dressed really nice  today.  It is tempting to ruminate, because it hurts no matter how you shrug it off, is it me or is it them.  I already know . . it was me. I could have done better . . i had it in me, shoot, i did a lot of phone work for market research, government services and things in years past. obviously i lost the ability somewhere along the line.  and the boozing didn’t help.  A  couple of weeks ago when i applied i had been dry for a while, my friends said i could get a job as a receptionist any where.  but a few days of sipping around the first . . . you cant fake it.P1060119 I had little time to prepare for the first day.  so when the chanch at a different life opened up . . . a lot of things caught up , if id been a little quicker, a little more confident . . . .who knows .  But then, maybe it was not ment to be.  i kind of sensed it when i first walked in . . . then again, this is a small town.  a war was waged on me in a big way . . .Im going to encounter residual energy from all that.  small gestures give me clues, a dismissive  back hand brush of the hand for example . . . i saw Scarlett make that same gesture when we had lunch . . she was describing WHY she had HAD it with Bellingham’s ‘snootiness’ as she termed it, they act like your shit she said and made that dismissive gesture.   i asked her then if she thought it was the British Canadian influence. She thought it was because all the fun people were gone.  and now she and Dana, two of the more interesting ladies in my book are going too.  Scarlett is Jewish and native, quiet and intros[pective and spiritual in a bohemian , northern california, sort of way. At any rate.  it does no good to ruminate.  classism exists but it is not absolute if one has the right motivation and style and can learn and adapt quickly  . . . and obviously i didn’t have the right style to represesent these attorneys. Friday Im back to feeling O.K. about myself this morning. made a big pot of chicken, chick peas and spinach in vindaloo simmer sauce with a bit of extra garlic and a dash of habanero sauce to kick it up a notch . . oh man, that was the best meal I have eaten in ages. Now I’ve discovered a new recipie. I don’t have coffee grinder to grind fresh spices right now so Im trying out some of the prepared simmer sauces from the co op. I got the results back from my world of work tests. I scored high average on most things . engineering and math being the exception.  Good in abstract thinking. Good in vocabulary.  Also gave me insights into my work style preferences and provided me with a list of possible jobs.  Katherine, my vocational rehab person had requested my records from my counselor at Sea Mar but received word from the clinic that I was not on their list of clients and they had no records of me.  Which is odd given that I believe I signed consent forms allowing this information to be shared on request to other agencies . . but then again, perhaps my counselor  does not keep notes. This is not the first time that “Karen’s records’ have mysteriously disappeared .  All my records at Social security disappeared some years back. when I requested to see them I was told they were missing.   Is information being stolden or suppressed?  It would not surprise me. Something is very fishy here. Haven’t seen Darrell and Curtis for a while.  They are partying.  I bought Darrell a new pair of shoes and dropped them off but they weren’t home.  If they have been partying then they aren’t cooking up any decent meals, I will drop off breakfast this morning when Im finished. A quiche and some fried potatoes. Ive been warned to distant myself from those guys if they are drinking together. So I have been. Friday late p.m Brought that quiche and fried potatoes over.  A couple of chicks were cooking up steak and eggs when i got there. If Im not around Darrell is very good at rounding up homeless women and giving them a place to ‘rest’ out of the kindness of his heart. I used to suffer so much over this hurt, but now, hell Ill buy the  beer today.  So i did, and hung out with them for a while watching all the antics. Darrell was telling some story to Curtis about how when i visited Standing Rock I had taken out the trash and discovered a pair of pretty good boots and brought them home for Darrell.  I guess this is a real no no on the rez, really bad manners, something only a dumb white girl would try,  so the guys had a good time making fun of me for my dumpster diving in bear soldier housing   years ago  untill i asked Darrell; “Speaking of boots.Where are the one’s i dropped off yesterday.  They were brand new.” Turns out he threw them out with the trash without really looking at them.  I was astonished.  They were brand new. sketchers.   So i was sent on a mission . . to go dumpster diving and retrieve them. After making fun of me for bringing in a pair of boots years ago from bear soldier housing trash now they were sending me on a mission, a half hour later, to retrieve some boots from a dumpster.  ARe you serious? I protested.  You want me to jump in there and get them? I’ll get them, Darrell commandeered, trying to toter to his feet.  i envisioned him falling in and the impossible task of getting him out. So , with increduality and disgust I gathered up a broom and a coat hanger and a chair and went to the dumpster.  with my broom I poked and lifted bag after bag of trash into reach and examined it untill i found the boots, now nestled in coffee ground, soup slop and cans of beer. My gift5 to him had been broken in. Tainted, to quote Nancy Peloski ( and who would know more about taining and the politics of smear) Soiled with garbage without even being recieved.  had i not rescued the boots , in a ( once unpardonable )act of dumpster diving they would have been lost.  See, i thought, that’s what happens when we ( I) drink . . .everything goes to garbage.  i brought the boots back and washed them off as if they were a soul restored, and perhaps in a way they were. “Why in god’s earth would you throw out the boots i left you” “Because they’re a couple of  retards.” One of the chicks replied. P1090123 (1) “You must have been cussing me out . . . you were . . you were cussing me out, that’s why you threw out the boots.” I can count on him running me down whenever he has street people over to drink with.  its become a predictable pattern. And some of the stuff he says . . .frightening      .well, the government knows it if they’ve been listening in over the past 2 years as I know they were for a while. later he held me in a close hug. tears rolling down his eyes  and thanked me for the boots . “I’m so sorry.  I don’t mean those things i say you know that.” “I know that . . but THEY  don’t.”  I held him tight, in resignation, I had loved him so , I missed him when he was jolly and warm and funny , . . . and been through so much hurt. It was these kinds of scenes played out among women from the streets and his family members that had driven me away,into my own world, away from the street people,  had bit by bit extinquished my own flame.  These sorts of scenes had  created such a wave of toxic energies.  It was mind boggling to contemplate. yet . . . it was always I, among his circle that was considered to be the great hurter for leaving him among  his drinking friends.  Especially after he got his house.   They would always shore him up . . . insist that he was such a sweet guy and that they, not I, knew better how to take care of him, understood him.    I had f0rgiven so much over the years.   I still loved him . . who doesn’t.  Everyone loves Chief. No one knows how much i loved him and refused to let go, even when it seemed i was not loved in return. I have been so unhappy trying to let go, lying in my bed , feeling it is the end, thinking of all the years of effort,contemplating the crappy state of affairs my life here in Bellingham had become,  trying , brick by brick to  block out feeling.  Often  retreating into boozing when I was home . . . since it no longer mattered. Losing my spark.  Becoming old and dulled and a shadow of former self. Well there are some amusing and interesting anecdotes that followed as i watched the antics of these guys entertaining white chicks, it was like something out of one flew over the cukoos nest but Im tired now and ready for beddy by. It will have to wait. (later) Today i swim and get back on board and try to be the best person i can be.  ive been trying to present a false front of ‘carrying on’ when i wasn’t  . . . and the result is a fake . Today, i carry on. I’ve been struggling with some complex emotions . . many of the things I am grappling with cannot be written of here. I used to like visiting darrell before Curtis came over.  But the energy changed. Every time i came over Hogan’s heros . . one of my least favorite shows . . . was on. O.K. . . i guess hCurtis a Hogan’s hero addict.  what does that tell me?  It tells me a lot and none of it very good. Then i saw all the pornography videos suddenly in Darrell’s c.d collection. No wonder they were so mad about the computer going out. yesterday was the first time Curtis began talking with me . . when i brought over the beer for them. then i was sister.   If you cant hold  the high ground might as well join them on the low ground i figured.    he actually smiled when i walked in . . . said the only cooking he wanted to eat was mine.  so i guess he decided he liked me alright .  i watched him put some moves on one of the girls.  he had his arm around her and then said: “When i look at you i see the face of genocide . . of my people.” Wow.  That’s a pick up line if i ever heard one.. Garenteed to warm up a woman. “You don’t understand us.” he told her. She defended herself, but stayed snuggled up.  I have to admit that she held her own ground pretty well. then he tried to order her to get his cigarettes. “woman . . get my cigarettes.  You said that you were a warrior girl .  . if your with a Lakota man your supposed to do what he says.”  She refused “on principal.”  After all, she insisted you know what they say in A.A . . principals before personalities. I wanted to laugh. principles?   The ‘face of genocide’ is certinaly not that of a young, local boozer hanging out with the dudes because  . . they are more fun.  The face of genocide is lot more complex than that, than hogan’s heros  idiocy . . .and really thinking about it may take you in places you might not want to go.  simple minds. simple concepts . . too much hogan’s heros i fear.  So this is what it all was about in a nutshell . . . all that stuff, that energy i wrote about, all the sinister crap i wrote about . . . .made laughable now. Later, curtis talked to me about wether or not he ought to go for that girl, he said he wanted a decent woman.  Street women usually get passed around a lot i reminded him.  She probably O.K. to do things with for now, untill you get with your old lady. I asked him; “Do you think I understand you guys?? and his answer, surprisingly was “Yes.” Andrea, the ‘social worker to the terrorists’ to qoute a inside joke, who was supposed to show up never showed, nor did she call to explain.   Now I am worried about The sick and feverish Darrell who is taking refuge behind all this jolly socializing and booze .  His health cannot withstand it.  But mine can’t withstand the bullshit  going on. I need to get to that pool and swim, swim, swim.  THEN, I will go and check on him and see if he . . we . . . are ready to get on track again. If not . . . neither Andrea or i will waste much time over it. It is, after all, a choice. (later) Today was clean up day. Everyone but Darrell was snoozed out, Darrell was looking pretty under and I felt guilty for bringing over beer the othe . . but they were on a run and I just wanted to be a good sport. Remembering his diabetes, and fragility I swang into action with bathing and hair washing and making up some chow until he was his normal self again. I waited around in case he went into hard detox or diabetic reaction . . and his blood sugar WAs pretty high . . 3.11 . . . so I forced him to eat lots of soup. I should not criticize or find humor in the antics of Curits and Autumn.  None of us is in any position to pass judgement when it comes to what liquor does to us. I feara confrontation in the future and spoke to Darrell about my boundaries with Curtis.I won’t be bossed around and disrespected and I am in no mood these days to listen to any white woman shit . . .its fucking driving me crazy.  im not going to visit if they make disparaging remarks.  I just dont have the energy for that . . Darrel’s diabetes or not.  Nor do i want to be part of any of their street life. i dont care if they dont like it.  Nor do i want to be involved in any family dramas.  ive had enough.  i told Darrell that I would nip anything, ANYTHING in the bud but i hoped i wouldn’t have to, I didn’t want to have to cut all ties. and i mean it.so at least we got some things out in the open between us. I mean Darrell must have known that he was sacrificing our relationship when he brought Curtis over to live with him. its not like they were all that welcoming around Christmas when i was really trying. 1-15- I fear I am in trouble.  I saw it coming right fom the start.  Darrell drunk, yelling at me over the phone and yelling at curtis too . . making it sound like there’s something going on.  I am so angry at him for the way he brings me into a family picture I didnt want to be in and then starts to blame me in an orgy of rage.  They all will, that’s the past pattern  . . . .i tried to tell him over the phone that i will not visit untill he and his household are sober again.  I saw this coming right from the start. Perhaps it was a set up.  I got a series of phone calls a few days back when they were partying, some one breathing but not identifying themselves. It scared me and creeped me out.   Then Curtis was asking for my address . . so i spoke to Darrell privately and told him to get things clear.  I tried to tell him again last night, over the phone  that what i was seing isn’t something I could handle but i would be glad to see him when everyone was sober.  so what do i do??  Darrell knew when he brought his bro here that it ment i would have to dissconnect or leave. that it ment he cared so little about our relationship despite his protestations of love,or  how anything affected me that he could just assume that i would have to ‘accept’ it.  It has created a big crises for me . . and that’s why Im deprssed and have had trouble carring on and everything I am trying to do here to carry on in my sphere of work and living is falling through. Because Im in a  private hell of memories of all the crises he has brought down on me  and Im torn between taking off before things happen or staying my ground, hoping I can make things work.   I see old patterns happening.  I fear I may  have to put restraining orders on both of them while i figure things out.  At any rate . . .if this is a set up, a conspiracy among like minded people then that would explain why my records requested by voacational rehab are missing and why they are saying I had not been a client of theirs. Jan 16 Doin some temp work down at my old stomping grounds.  The view from the docks is always so beautiful . . the Washington I never get to experience. The mountains and the sea, island in the background.  I really like being down on the docks when the sun is coming up. Curtis went to the hospital.  Darrell kicked him out of his house during his fit of rage the other night. It was really cold out.  I guess he found some of the guys, like auggie, and was palling around until he took a fall and cracked his head.  He was taken to emergency. At this point, despite my resolve NOT to go over to Darrells I did go over for a bit.made calls to the hospital and put some food on the table.    Darrell was in distress over what he did . . and he should be.  Everyone is mad at Darrell right now, and they should be.  He is a bully.  I felt bad about my uppity observations and resentments when I heard about the fall.  Felt bad about contributing beer a few days back.  Curtis was the weak one, he couldn’t help it . . and he was a very seriously sick boy too, I didn’t realize how ill he really was. Darrell says he is dying.  I don’t think Curtis ever made his way over to my building when he threatened to come over that night he was kicked out . . .My feelings were defensive, pissed off and hard ass.  I had forgotten compassion. But if I was being a hard ass about my own turf there are good reasons for that . . .because it had been so abused, so violated  in the past. So sins of the past against me have created the Karen I am now in response to a crises where the weak one, who needs protecting, despite the way he acts, needs help and is being bullied. People are so fond of the word karma when it applies to me but I think now karma is now visiting itself on the sins of indian country.    I had to really think about some things last night.  If Darrell had become a bully instead of the ‘victim’ now . . . who was I allinging myself with if I still sought connection with him??  I don’t like the idea of anyone being helpless with intoxication and kicked out on the streets.  Darrell didn’t like it when the housing authorities did it to him.  And I went out of my way during those days to look after him while he was out there . . putting him into motel rooms and so on, even though it brought me into the jungle . . . I had to foray into the world of the chronic homeless for a long time and I hated every minute of it. All those mountains and trips to Seattle, La Conner, mt Baker , the Washington State I delighted in  . . . gone.  replaced by the dark, ugly, chronic nights of the hobo world .  So my resistance goes up, my anger goes up now at attempts to being me back into that world. it’s on Darrell now. If he is revealing himself to be a bully and a tyrant when he is the king of  his  castle then it is on him now, not me. Saturday night a full day. Did bead work in the morning and watched back to back episodes of Downtown Abby first season. later i watched ariel america doing Minnesota. they even covered new Ulm and the Red cloud’s war. they covered the history of Bob Dylan down to Dinky town and the folk scene . . bringing back memories of the ethnic enclaves of St, Paul and the the folk scene at the irish Well. St. Paul, home of fitzgerald and the chosen hang out of Ma Barker. I remember thee well my Minneshuta.and of course they covered all the lakes, the duluth area, the mining area, general mills, all the theaters, the art scene ( oh yes I have been to the Weisman and walker with it’s big sherry and a spoon . . i mean big cherry) . Oh yes, all those thunderstorms in the spring that flooded the joining of the Mississippi and the Missouri . . . that brought back memories. I went out and bought a pizza and brought it over to the boys.  i knew they were down on food.  And there is a 10 dollar large pizza special with one topping  just around the corner from Darrells .  No one home. I left the pizza, I biked around a bit, taking in the ocean view,10955770_332494770284484_8923285976693234006_n then headed toward the park certian to find them ther.  And i did. Looking not exactly un happy but not exactly happy either.   i suggested we go across the street to jalepanos, where i often treated Darrell the their great appetizer deal of bean dip, the best fucking salsa in the world and a basket of chips for 5 bucks also a couple of tequila sunrises. what a good train of thought that was  . . compared to my defensive castle under siege thinking . . . Curtis was terribly banged up and loved the salsa , thinking back to albequerque and the hot salsas he had grown used to there, how red and sandy and barren it was and full of goat shit compared to this great place here where there were mountains and ocean to be seen in the distance simply by shifting one’ s scanning. Earlier i had gotten a call from Carol James from Phoenix.  she hated it and was going to retire in Lummi in elder status.  We talked a lot about spirits.  perhaops this is what called me out of my enough is enough thinking and sent me on the road for a pizza, which i had to leave at Darrells porch and then down to the park on a whim. At Jalepanos, Curtis told me that he had a lot of respect for me, because i had cared for his brother.  I saw the tears well up  over and over.  some how we had gotten thing all wrong.  But it was right now.  when Darrell took a piss i told Curtis  how sorry i was that he had come to harm out on the street when Darrell threw him out.  i told him i was pissed . a lot of people were getting pissed at this.  The tears just kept welling up.  fucking  @3$*?!! was all he had to say about Darrell . . .in Lakota. he is a good guy i think.  Just helpless when alchohol hits him.  Oh these Hunkpapa . . of all the people of this earth, how in hell did i become entangled with them?? ahard bunch for uptight Minnesota Germans to adapt to . . as history has proven.  My ancestors fed them during Red cloud’s war . . at least my ancestors from ireland did, while my German ancestors were laying bricks in Stearns county.  At any any rate, here we all are now, at jalepenos in Bellingham.  Neither they or I are really like the people of this region.  in some ways we understand each other . . .and the, in some ways . . our ways our preferences are so very different.  Lord, i miss Minnesota sometimes.          Tuesday Everything at peace today. The forces of darkness pushed back, fear, uncertianty, jealousies, fight or flight stuff.  Everything feels o.k. which is the god force.  Some times food is all it takes to usher in the higher conciousness again.  Made up a big steak and pancake breakfast.   Darrelland I made a run to the Salvation armyfood bank .  Broughts backs tons of donated refreshments. iced teas and protein shakes and pop and juices.   No drinking going on now.  Resting … wtching down town Abbey at Darrells’.  off to see alica now and then home. ive been busy with temp work down on the docks . . and enjoying it, it keeps me form laying around feeling ‘dun fer’  . . the mexican girls are fun to work with, always laughing and singing among themselves. It was restorative.  So many things on my mind besides peronal affairs . . . the cartoon and terrorrrism stuff in France . . .but I am too tired right now to write my thoughts.             Fri  a.m. Still tired and sick too with a cold.  Really dragging.  had a few days off and did restorative stuff.  Brought a bunch of green leafy veggies over to Darrells for dinner since we were all sick and needed some vitamins. Home now, waiting for the sun to come up.  Dug into some older, painful stuff with Alicia . . .but did not discuss current happenings, work stuff, safety plans or anything like that. (later) getting sicker in leaps and bounds. Got caught in a downpour biking home from work. sipping herbal teas of skullcap nettles and mullien. Not even tempted to buy a beer.  I think I learned my lesson . . . my social standing  down to zero right now. heavy losses the past few weeks.   Seemed like the community was giving me some slack for a while but now I feel Im being cut down. Darrell says Yup, well Im sorry I got you drinking . . that’s what did it.  Something I said.  some opinion some one didn’t care for . . cant please everyone.  or can I? Maybe not having any thoughts on anything anywhere ever?  I think people take my thoughts on any given thing way too seriously . . like the weather, they are changeable.also . . . I notice a change, both in myself and in Darrell if drink more than two Ranier ales . . . something that does not happen with micro breweries. A personallity change. almost like a multiple personality thing.   i think they may put something in that Ranier that makes people think and act evil. if so, then it’s the chemicals talking.  That’s why I always bought micro brewery beers for Darrell if he insisted on drinking.  Every bad thing than transpired seemed to happen because we were drinking the cheap beer, the Ranier ale.           Sunday Foggy out.  Still sick and staying home. need to get cracking on that bead work if I expect to have a full table come April. Reading Deepak chopra on how to find God. Need some good History too . . . maybe some more menzis. Tuesday 28th better.  Actually feeling happy this afternoon, despite some things that would usually upset me.  Darrell Has some drinking girls over but i don’t give a rats ass. Got myself a good haircut at Wally’s barbershop . . the best in the business . . .and that always makes me sing i feel pretty, oh so pretty again.  Also got in a swim . . the first this month. Took care of business with D.S.H.S and thay think they can cover my medicare part b for me . . i wanted to get down on the ground and kiss the social workers feet.  I may not be able to get this . . but just the fact that she is going to try made all the difference in the world.  I am also eligable as a disabled worker , for community health plan . . which is better than medicare.  The only thing i really need however is the dental . . but Im sure something will pop up unexpected somewhere down the line, another busted foot, plueresy, kidney infection, who knows . . . . also picked up a bag of nice yarns at Ragfinery for 5 bucks . . there’s 4 or 5 spring hats in there.  it takes so little to excite me about new projects, a hint of spring, a social worker in my corner, a sweet deal on some silky yarns  . . . the spark returns.  I had to wait about 2 hours at the d.s.h.s. office and i brought my book . . . the Deepak chopra . . and shortly thereafter my miracles started to happen, the insurance, the yarn, some unexpected money for a haircut . . .

Yues

doing some more work down on the docks.  Mom is not doing well.  Fainting spells that brought her to the emergency room. She sent me 50 bucks . . told Dad I looked hungry.  Hmmmmm  perhaps, with a mother’s instinct she picked up on an emotional hunger, or perhaps she is time traveling to my infant days . . at any rate some twanged the string of connection and syncronicity between mother and daughter.  I wish I were back home.  I have a bad feeling about all this.

Saturday 31st 2015

Had a great day yesterday.  pay day is always good. Scored another bag of yarn at Ragfinery and bought some herbal remedies.  Darrell took Curtis and I to lunch at O.K. chopsticks and we were all in good spirits.  I’m thankfull that Darrell decided to do this . . . my Christmas present at last; Kung Poa Shrimp. later we went to the music store and I bought an enigma c.d for myself and some Van Morrison that Darrell wanted.

Walking home I encountered a street violinist and I stopped to listen for a good half hour or more. This region boasts some very fine violinists. I only know that this young  man’s name was David, that he was rapt in his music, eyes closed . . and his music was astonishing and beautiful.  there is an old fashioned word, used in the 19th century that seems to fit . . . sublime. And free.  What a gift . . . some times the best of the human spirit , quest and yearning transcends all our petty pr occupations with the bad hand life has given us, the bad things people do, the unfairness and barbarity.  man can also write , in the search for connection to god, some of the most beautifull violin music . . .man can also play it, transform it into a gift on that chilly and unlovely street corner.  HDavid  began to kick out some Celtic tunes after the violin pieces that had me and others smiling and tapping feet.

So I went home with a belly full of Kung Pao Shrimp and my purchases of herbs and dirt, yarn and green leafies and as I looked out the window over the town of Bellingham, with the sun setting over the bay the sky was ablaze with one of the most amazing cloud formations and sunsets colors I have seen out here in a long while. 9004_848062528570010_2262738535812928754_n 10407076_1020190587995933_827980999907541472_n by Daneen Bott Daneen20Bott20January2030th202020Bellingham (1) Julie Hallmark January 30th, in Bellingham WA There is ugliness in this world . . yes, one can think on it, and then feels a part of it and  one can become ugly, the same if one contemplates on the angers of others, the evils, but there are also the gifts of beauty and we see them when we free ourselves and enjoy the day a little, when we give a little. . we we go exploring a little. Then our senses open to all the things we forget sometimes.

So yesterday , the last of the month, was a day of gifts to the spirit. it was a month that began badly, very badly, but ended on a happy note.

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