August 2014

2 08 2014

Exhausted and ready for bed. Lots of fun in the sun this week, a trip to lake Padden,1d104969-7b51-4a7d-a446-c8a34c2f85b5

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DarrellsapartmentJuneof2014026 the other night a concert in the park. Maggies fury was playing,an ass kicking celtic band I heard years ago. everyone was up and dancing, little tots too. The Scottish dancers were there, leaping and weaving gracefully like young antelopes. I did not shake my tail. My hip was giving me a lot of pain.
Bought us some new clothes today, shirts for Darrell, and for me; lady Bryant underwear . Nice lingerie from the fat lady’s store is one of those things I like to do when I can afford it. There is so much to write of but I am so very tired. it has been eventfull on the world stage.

August 8
Not much positive stuff happening. Very concerned about Darrell’s increasing metn addiction. The young meth heads increasingly hanging out at his place and using. Things seem to go well . . we go out to the lake,go out to eat and shopping, do the art . . then the “other’ Darrell takes over when he gets his money and he doesn’t want me around until the party is over and he needs help and his money is gone. what is he going to do when they turn off his power. I had to tell him you cant come back to my place because of your meth use. it brings out unpredictability, attacks on other people. I witnesses two of them on other friends of his recently, and I have been the recipient of numerous episodes of anger, getting thrown out for nothing and so on. bought him some new tee shirts and he threw them in a toilet full of piss. Then , when I had had enough and stayed home he began to be nice to me, tried to do some things with me . . but it was a strain. maybe what he does with this handful of friends like bob is the real Darrell. I guess just There is just too much friction between that energy and the energy I try to create.Im just not a street person. what bothers me the most is the way his obsessions and angers, complaints about me get put out there when he is full of booze and drugs. it is ugly energy. I haven’t been talking about it in my journals, or much that cioncerns Darrell because I have tried to believe that if I quit writing about him this ‘are we going to kill karen’ stuff would be resolved. I thought my writing about personal business was what was causing the problem. But it didn’t diminish. Well, I will continue to bring him groceries , cook up, and be his friend. But I don’t really want to hang out any more.
I have finished up a bunch of hats this week. Bought a new quilt. august2014002

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Saturday evening
Darrell detoxing. Quiet and Calm again. he rests, drinks lots of juice. I made up tostadas and locked all the doors. Tired myself. Did not sell much once again although, as usual i enjoyed doing some trading and chatting. There is a mother daughter team from new York that had some stunning sarongs and textiles from India, another woman brought back all kinds of things from Nepal. My hats suddenly seemed so ordinary, although i recieved many compliments. This crowd doesnt seem to buy and key chains.
Talked with Carol James. She went to the police and made a report and was told to get over it, go home and enjoy life. She then talked to the Bellingham Housing authorities and showed them the letter. She talked to Doug, the new guy in charge. This guy took it serious and reassured her that they would do handwritting comparisons of the suspected persons and would treat it, as she insisted they do, as a criminal matter. As hate crime.
I am glad she is doing this. Glad too that this new guy in charge is of a different mindset than administrators of the past. or is he the house detective now? Darrell said that if this story were exposed it would reveal that the BHA has poo pooed this kind of targeting of specific residents for quite a while, allowed it to go on and on and that they would probably all get fired and a new administration would come in. Well, it wont go that far . . . the new guy is doing the right thing and that is a good and nessesary PR boost for the BHA.
Carol an i talked about the bug hysteria and how i came under attack and we agreed that it got pretty bad, much worse than this episode with the letter, and when I spoke out in my own defense I was told “You must have done something really bad to make so many people mad at you.” Carol and I know that this was not really so . . . but the group think, or ‘court of public opinion’ decided that I was guilty . . . I caused the bug infestation, and all else, because i was dirty. My house must be dirty (Darrell had been staying there) never mind that bed bugs and roaches had been disocvered across the hall from me earlier, and that it had been hushed up by maintenence and people allowed to target me while maintenence dragged their feet about doing the thorough spraying for almost a month after the initial problem manifested itself.
At any rate, all is good now . . .I have no bugs, although many other people do. Not one roach to be found.
As for Carol, she is looking a lot happier now. I think if a criminal case is made of this, wether it is handled privately or as Carol wishes, legally,publicly, it will make an example of the culprit and let others think twice about enacting aggression and intimidation based on WE thinking again. “WE are going to have knock it up to the next level”,it may be ground breaking.

Sunday
Joan rivers in the news again. Palestinians deserve to be dead because they started it, were asked to leave and didn’t and there fore were of low I.Q and deserved to die.
Exactly how were these Palestinians supposed to leave when they are under blockade and travel restricted?
As for wether they started it, in regards to the latest conflict I have a qoute to consider;
“When those three Israeli teenagers were kidnapped and killed (by abductors who spoke Hebrew on the recording of the cell phone call) in the West Bank, Netanyahu blamed HAMAS in Gaza, even though Israeli police in the West Bank had already concluded that HAMAS had nothing to do with that crime, and even the Israeli media admits that the two suspects named by the Israeli government are not part of HAMAS, but of a group known for disobeying HAMAS and trying to cause trouble for them. And Netanyahu was looking for any excuse, and used this illegitimate one to attack Gaza”
I have read similar analysis from a variety of sources.
It seems to be a media strategy to limit the focus to the most recent conflict without recounting the decades of bulldozing homes and before that the destruction of camps in Lebanon, the settlement expansion, the wall and so on that would lead a people to vote in Hamas. Yes, there is a part of me that feels well, you guys voted these guys in . . and they are ruthless enough to kill any suspected spies on the spot (opposition) and use private homes , hospitals and so on as shields . . much like the IRA once did. But then, Gaza is a densely populated area. But a part of me knows that this outcome is inevitable.

here’s an interesting article;
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/gaza-cant-say-george-galloway-4024371#.U-eGBeNdWSo

I find Joan rivers comments charecterizing Palestinians remaining in Gaza after they have been told to leave, as having low I.Qs indefensible but not at all surprising. It’s vicious, but its nothing new. There were s number of comedians over the past 15 years whose stock and trade is the idea that “low I.Q” people deserve to die. Comedian Black for example . I was appalled many years ago at how pervasive and acceptable this became. Also the idea that there is a group of people who expect people to jump when they are told to move, who expect to be obeyed or else . . also been around for a while now.The calloused attitude displayed by Rivers is also not a new thing, what is new is that there is a new generation of young people who are unfamilier with these things . . and Rivers is old, and more importantly obsessed with this perogative to be cruel . But that’s only because people themselves made cruelty acceptable, enjoyed it and the people who did not did not take enough umbrage over the years. In a sense, they voted it in.
Just as the most disturbed members in the small community of Lincoln square and other pockets around here are the ones to echo patterns played out covertly by spilling it out in disturbed and stupid ways . . so it is in Hollywood in seems.

August 12, Tues
Still detoxing Darrell. Spent much of yesterday cleaning up his place, cooking up and washing up the sweat soaked bedding. He has a way to go, and is still feeling like shit but his face isnt so grey and the color is back in his face. perhaps I am the one person who best knows how to do this . . .I know what foods he is able to eat .  I know exactly what to do and how to be towards him , what he needs untill he is better.  My own problems with substance abuse have given me some insights . The energy is no longer hot, but cool, quiet , they way it should be when getting straight.  I dont mind doing this . . it benifits everyone including me.  I feel better, feel less like drinking when I am able to give love and make a difference in some ones life.   Love IS quiet energy.  It doesnt draw attention to itself.  Andrea bought Darrell a membership at the senior center not far from here where he can eat lunch for free, play pool, use the weight room and other stuff with all the blue haired elderly of Bellingham. He is quite happy about this. I means his dependence on me for cooked meals and grocery shopping is diminished. I took Darrell over to the Senior center a few months ago and talked about membership there, but we didn’t have any money that day and I promised him iwould go ahead and buy a membership for him . . .which I forgot. Now I am feeling guilty. As if I were not taking good enough care of him. Like they proving the point.
I did contribute an excersize bike yesterday. I picked one up on craigs list last week and the guy brought it over last night. I noticed that his legs were losing muscle . He has been going for walks the past months, but with wetter , colder weather ahead a walk to maritime park and back becomes less fun. They are cracking down on activities there that have been allowed to get out of controll over the years . . .they have even set up a mentle health court instead of sending the same old people jail as well as setting up security cameras. It sure took them long enough . . . .I developed a lot of resentment over the years at the way my own living space was being used by Darrell to continue that lifestyle . . taken over by that “handfull’ as the Bellingham herald calls them. That may explain why when ever Darrell relapses his place becomes a meth gallery untill his money is used up.
The one person never forced through the ‘mentle health court’ is Darrell. They back anything he does. Reward him.
At any rate, I am hoping that the trip we made to home depot for wood burners and stuff will not be in vain and that soon, the creative Darrell will return, with or without Karen,
All that is up to Darrell. Not the ‘mentle health court’ that set me up for such disempowerment via Dana and took over controll of Darrell.
My so called ‘mentle health’ has been made a topic by our mainstream media . . but of course, never Darrell’s and because he is not getting any counseling everything that has been constructed by the Path program is threatening to come down.
I called up a guy by the name of Bob Red Elk and asked him to come visit Darrell. They are from nearly the same tribe and Red Elk seemed like a nice person with alot fo sober time when we met. I asked him to take Darrell to some positive activities, meetings, sweats and things and he said he would stop in and see Darrell.
Enough about Darrell and what’s going on in his life . . .I took time for myself yesterday and went over to Lake Whatcom for a dip in the Lake.
It was something new, but I like Lake Padden better. it’s more natural and less frequented. I renewed my Drivers license and recieved my medicare card in the mail . . . I also was given a box of yarns, decent stuff by Sallys daughter and found a bunch of decorative ribbons on the free table of the flea market. I now embark on fall hats . . . bright colors with lots of deco yarn for no cost at all to my self. Planning a trip bck to MN very soon.

Friday
only a few minutes before work.
Manna from heaven! Darrell found a pound of pot lying on the sidewalk when he went to get his mail. There must be a god. There has to be. I do not have to worry about edgy energy for a while. A pound!! holy cow. I too found an unexpected gift. A big jar of kosher pickles. its not quite apound of pot . . but, heck, I needed some pickles.
Tried out the excersize bike and it does the trick. I asked Mr. Red Elk to visit Darrell and they got together. Darrell was acting all cross at my commandeering this but I knew he looked forward to a man to man talk with some one from his own culture who has good sober time. So it seems I did a few things right. also payed of his power bill . . . I know I ought not to, but Im thinking about how having the power shut off at Darrells would impct my peace of mind too. its for the greater good. Feeling good today, got birthday presents out in time for Dad, payed up my YMCA membership . . .it will all be O>K> . I also signed up to do volunteer work at the Senior center. Ran into Scarlett there who also decided to volunteer . How odd it is that all of the super hip , most non conformist people in Bellingham , vendors , old counter culture gypsies, Sioux Indian rebels . . .all of a sudden are gravitating to the senior center. it IS kind of funny. Darrell and Dana both have memberships there now. Scarlett and I will be volunteering.Are we all so old now???
Ready for group trips to Friday harbor and stuff?
One of the tweakers that had been crashing at Darrells used a razor to carve ‘getting wild’ into his bathroom floor . . . We are not getting wild, just old. Too old for little tweakers ‘getting wild’ I told Darrell. Soon getting wild will not mean carving up floors with razor blades but trips to the bowling alley . . I can see it Dana, Karen, Darrell, Scarlett getting wild . . playing bumper cars with walkers , battling each other with crutches, racing wheel chairs.
At any rate. I spent several days doing major cleaning in my house and all is good now.

Monday
Did a training session at the senior center. I can’t see myself being a regular person there but one day a week might not be too bad. I thin volunteering to usher at Mount Baker theater is more my style. next on my list of things to volunteer for.
Happy to be home tonight. So many things to get done. was touching up the walls with paint this afternoon, and of course crocheting.

Wednesday

a few minutes before work. finished up indoor painting. Washed the blinds. nice to relax at home.  Everything back on track again.  catching up on favorite shows like the Bridge, Tyrant and reading 1423 about the Chinese expeditions to the Americas . . very interesting material.

Darrell had his foot x-rayed yesterday. Waiting on results. it’s still swollen and painfull . . we think it may be broken. geeez . . I get him an excersize bike and the next day he breaks his foot.  Well he is diabetic, and partially paralyzed in his legs which makes sprains,breaks, falls and foot injuries of all kinds particularly dangerous because he often trips and can’t access the amount of damage because his ability to feel pain is some what blocked. No drugs or drugees going on over there . . . peace and quiet.

Thursday

Play time for a couple of hoursaugust2014003 before I do lunch at the senior center.  Talked to Carol James, she was radient with happiness, she looked downright pretty with her hair done nice and a big, bright eyes instead of slowly walking with her head hung down . . . .she was approved for a 6 bedroom house 9 with a pool)  and will move in next month . . .also her daughter landing two good paying jobs and her story is now one of rags to riches or more to the point . . turning lemons into lemonade.  She also told me she wanted me to get the hell away from my environment and all the angry people , she extended her home to me.  Well, Ill wait until she throws that first poolside party. We will bring some nice snacks . . and our bathing suits, after we finish eating at the senior center that is, relax on deck chairs with refreshments.  I can see it . . . Darrell in a cravat with a little umbrella in his 2-11, me under a sun lamp  . . . maybe a little tennis later.

Friday 8-22

There is plenty of talk about the Foley beheading being a fake but I have not seen any footage and haven’t comne to any conclusions . . only that, it would not surprise me it this were true. i remember the fake beheading of Nick Berg,( he was already dead) , the faked deaths of Suddams sons . Nothing is out of the rhelm of possibility.  It all sounds reminiscent of the drum beat to war in 2001 under Bush.

At least the democrats and republicans have found something to agree on.

Talked to the new guys, Doug, at BHA. I guess i was dead wrong about things. people are saying he is a real hard ass and that was the impression I got when i spoke to him. Absolutely no bending the rules when it comes to dropping the 2004 tresspass order against Darrell . . he doesn’t believe that ‘shady’ charecters reform .  i saw the hope go out in Darrell’s eyes when i told him this . . . that things can ever be different for Indians.  The woman that every one thinks left the note on Carol James’s door has not been punished, reprimanded even much less evicted.  There was no investigation, no handwritting test given to suspected people.

Just when everything seems O.K., That loving energy wins out, I am reminded how divided things are between the working worthy, and the rest of the unworthies.

Tuesday

have been very energetic working on my apartment and at Darrells and I am in a lot of joint pain.  Depressed too all of a sudden.  Didn’t sell at the market again, what is this? Am I being  given a hint?  have to give it a break untill the weather cools.

My Mom is having some health episodes.  Dad thinks it may be a mini stroke. I think it may be the onset of dementia. I am on alert to come home at a moments notice.

Darrell’s broken foot has kept him house bound this month. Consequence of his relapse in new ( new balance) tennis shoes. he lost his balence . . in more ways than one but is back on track again.  The crabby stage is setting in now that the pot is gone.  This broken foot of Darrell’s has sustained a history of colorfull injuries. All his scars have a colorfull history behind them . . .unlike mine which look ordinary and tame by comparison.  What can I say about my scars . . a scar from a dog that bit me in the eye when i offered it a stone to eat as a tot. ( I didn’t throw it) .  A little crescent shaped scar from where i ran into my Dad’s desk chair whenI was roller skating in the base ment. Some self inflicted scars, fairly extensive from my suicidal and self desructive  young adulthood.  a few burns. A few bike accidents.

Darrell on the other hand is full of knife wounds, gunshot wounds and big scars of all kinds.  The history of his foot , now troubling him,  is colorfull just in itself. it was first broken when he was bull riding. He dug his spurs into the bulls

tummy all the way and the bull threw him with a vengence. Darrell says they wanted to take his picture and do a publicity  thing on him for his endurance but he ‘didn’t give a shit about that stuff.’ he just wanted to ride the bull.

Right there you can see the difference between an Egerman and a SpottedHorse.

The next injuries to this historic foot came when a bus ran over it. he was on the way to meet his 5 year old  son Rory for the first time. Rorys mother had concieved Rory screwing Darrell on the bathroom sink in the Minneapolis detox.  She was irish.  She kept Rory from ever knowing his father too . . which planted many of the seeds of Darrell’s rage against white women, mostly enacted at my expense years later. Rory grew up to be a troubled young man who embraced his Lakota heritage and abandoned his irish American identity when he grew older, then later ended up going to Prison when he got caught up in trying to be an urban Indian. A tragic story i have always thought . . and this historic meeting of Rory and Darrell when Rory was 5 , which could have changed all that, never transpired because a bus ran over Darrell’s foot  enroute ., previously injured by a mad bull, the foot was  mashed  before Darrell could ever meet Rory.  Rory of course never knew untill years later why his father never showed up.

This same foot sustained its most recent injuries when Darrell bought a new pair of( new balence) tennis shoes, (those kind that are sort of rounded on the bottom) and got really drunk and high with a bunch of tweakers ( getting wild!) crashing his place and staggered into a fall. 

And that’s just the history of  one foot.

Got him a wheel chair yesterday but he is almost up and walking now.

I had fun yesterday at home .  I cleaned my refrigerator, arranged dried flowers  and listened to Isac Stearn play Bach. I did not get wild. Energetic maybe, but hardly wild.   it made me happy. And I made some tabouli.

Wednesday

Still in a lot of pain. Every one seems to want me for something and just want to lay in bed for a day and do nothing. But I have miles to go before I sleep.

Darrell’s social worker, Adrienne, is pulling some strings to arrange a half way house for rory out here when he gets out of prison. soon.  That would be a good thing for both Darrell and Rory.  They can finally be together and help each other.  Rory has a lot of potential . . . he just seems to have no caution when it comes to get into trouble .  He has an art talent that is impressive, when he sets himself to learn something he does it . . . like playing the flute and learning the Lakota language . . . so when he sets goals he achieves them . . .art, music, language . . these are all the best things to learn. He just needs to get out of Detroit.

So I am thinking about disenfranchisement today. The riots in Fergusson have brought this to the forefront again.  But I only have to look at the things that have shaped my life , and the life of Darrell in Minnesota . . and to some extent out here to know the experience of this first hand and how it feels.

Why do Darrell and I continue to be close despite everything that baffles the rest of people.  Because we understand the same things and that has created a bond.

I was reading this morning some commentary that my old frienemie Dannette wrote about disenfranchisement. She lives in Eugene and is what I would call a liberal crusader.  How can anyone who has lived most of their life in Eugene Oregon know shit first hand about disenfranchisement. Oh these crusaders have all the debating skills, but they are in a safe position socially to develop these

debating skills.  if I were to tell her my story, about trying to weave through the mine field of class enclaves in Minneapolis, the real dangers of underclass life . . how things were arranged, politically, who protected who . . . she would cut me off as ‘stupid’ so fast it would not be funny.

Well all this aside . . I am glad that Adrienne is pulling these strings to bring Darrell and Rory together and get Rory into a half way house here.  This is something only a ‘liberal crusader’ is able to do . . .I cannot do this individually.  I was limited in what I could do to make things work for Darrell.  She has the tools and the position to do these things for him.  I struggle with sadness and some jealousy over this, feeling displaced at times . . but I am still important in Darrell’s life wether others want to push me out of the picture or not.  yes, there are times when i still feel it is so unfair . . that compliance with total dependency on the ‘helpers’ is what one is forced into here . . I struggled long and hard to maintain my own integrity.  I was a hard working girl . . but I was taken down and defeated into accepting dependence by a long and ruthless hate and smear campaign that was brutally dishonest for ‘the good of the many’. I don’t mind being on the dole in my body tired older years that much . . only the credibility that comes with pride in ones own efforts.  it bothers me sometimes  that Darrell is rewarded for a life time of laziness, using people, abusing people and doing whatever he pleased. For essentially destroying me. But I just don’t have the energy to chew on it. I would rather protect the bit of peace I finally have. it just seems to be the way of it . . life belongs to the most cunning.   I have to admit . . . it seems like things have sorted  out that had become a mess.  and perhaps it all is for the greater good after all.

 

Saturday

Bought us some fall clothes. From my work check.  Now im broke untill the 3rd when my ‘big’ check . . my social security comes in.  I need to switch jobs i think . . although i like the one i have. My hips are getting so aggrevated.  My right boob hurts too.  A persistant deep dull ache. Im going to have it checked out on the 8th, maybe sooner if i can. I also have a cold.

Well, i read some of the commentary on the internet  about Joan Rivers having cardiac arrest and i cannot believe thatthe nationalnews would report that there has been an outpouring of love. That’s not what Iwas reading . . i have thoughts on this but am feeling too poorly to delve into them.

We were sopposed to pow wow this weekend on beaded earrings and art.  Put on some music and get to work but . .

 

Monday labor day

Its actually September now but since I am feelingas biot depressed, or troubled by some things I dont want to start off a new blog with this. We are on the way back UP however.

Watched a program on the Buddha yesterday.  We are struggling with MARA. Darrell was sent to ‘the wall of shame’ down at the park yesterday.  He was kicked out of the park  for a year and the ‘wall of shame’ a butt level partition that is just outside the park is where the ‘outcasts’ go.  The wqll of shame they call it.

I am glad to be living in this moment this morning.  With potatoes boiling.  When there is compassion, a middle path, when our minds just enjoy lkife instead of concentrating on things that are wrong . . .then the demons go away. For me, the egotism of writting everythign down is my Mara. Also an addiction to a space set aside to be depressed and self destructive.,

 

 

 

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