July

11 07 2014

July 7

Stayed home most of last week but accomplished nothing except falling off the wagon. Apparently I made a dopey scene at
State St. Bar . . that bartender makes those drinks super super strong for me when he waits on me . . which is about once or twice a year,I practically never go into bars, always with a similar result.
Looking after my friend today who had similar week. I continue to be concerned about hard drugs. Heroin is a big problem out here and easy to find. I hope it does not become a problem.
Everything is good today however. Just resting and cooking up and playing guitar.

July 10
Well, that ought to cure me of trying to drink strong liqour in a bar. I know better . . .the next day is always a total wreck.I was sooooo sick and out of it, I really wondered if there was more too it. A mickey? I doubt it. but its possible. there are people who might do that. only my own denial to blame really, either way. Back to being productive.
I continue to be upset that all my notes in FB, which were under a privacy lock were wiped out. perhaps i was careless and left myself logged in at a public computer, the most likely explaination, and some one was just being mean. The other explaination is that there is an organized suppression involved which is what I suspect . . which is why I put material that does not show people here in Bellingham in good light or contains sensative materials, highly personal materials, or painfull episodes, or a record of happenings that deal with intentional or unrealistic malice . . . or worse. that leaves me with no safe place to try to cope with some of these happenings, or record them.
Im not suprised i started drinking too much the past two months, on and off at home . . . there is a cycle invlved whose results are predictable. Ive analysed it to death before . . but the dynamics always play out as if no insight or coping skills had been gained at all.
Darrell is being gentle tonight, didnt bark at all when I came back. The little paw he draped over me in the wee hours was not that of the roaring bear who likes to pick on people, drive them away do hurtfull things. It was the little paw of love that i have missed and that makes all this madness go away.

July 12
recent beadwork
Did the market and sold 5 or 6 items
beading tree!

Encountered good energy . . and odd energy too. Kind of a well, sleazy, winky kind of energy . . cant figure it out. Wondering if there has been another smear at the street level or perhaps some more pronouncements of ‘the truth’ via our corporate media again.
The question i ask myself is to what extent is this Darrell’s bullshit, deliberate or just venting without thought, and to what extent is this the handiwork of some one else. I have a few people in mind that I suspect, street people mostly but not all . .. well, all you can do is be ones self wether it fits the role that has been cast or not. it is difficult sometimes NOT to internalize it.
I brought home a copy of socialist alternative paper and started reading a few articles last night about the 15 dollar minimum wage triumph in Seattle and the election of a 3rd party candidate. Also read through the ‘charter’ . . .some things are beginning to make sense, and i have many thoughts on this but for now, I prefer to keep ideas to myself and just be the friendly, dazed , plump little hat lady and concentrate on doing up a shit load of baby hats for the next market.
Mom and Dad sent me a little package the other day and that cheered me up a lot. I also got my former job at the clinic back, they were shifting us around and i was not happy with the changes . . . .

Monday
It was a hot and sunny weekend and I got out and enjoyed the summer lazin around yesterday. printed up a bunch of cards and prints, all older material for Darrell.
I had told myself I would not do this as a motivational push to start creating new art . . .because taking on the cost of printing is in a sense furthering a sort of con game . . . it gains Darrell a lot of good licks with people around town as he does his ‘routine’ . . . and it gives him a constant source of pocket money for weed and, when he is drinking, booze. Andrea too has been bringing over wood burning materials , wood and tools in the hope of motivating him . . . also with no results.

I had finally resigned myself to the idea that the old, constantly creative Darrell was lost to me . . . that accepting change was just a p[art of life but he seemed so dejected when he had no more cards left and people he encountered were asking for his art , and it seemed like it was such an essential part of who he was . . .once I was very much a part , and backer of all this art work he shared . . .and part of the reason I had quit spending so much time and money doing it up for him was the feeling that I had been denigrated and destroyed the past few years by a public that demanded I be cast in a variety of negative roles, taking on just about every bad quality that the liberal elite see as their opposite. There was an awfull lot of hurt and trauma bound up with this so I figured why do anything for them anymore??
But Darrell looked so deflated, I just went ahead and did some up yesterday. Did it matter if people recognized this or not?? if you love some one you just do it. it seemed like old times . . . me going down to the park and bringing him what he needed. he seemed happy . . happy to have the crads and prints that were such an essential part of his public persona, happy to be in the sun with people and enjoying himself . . and drinking . . . trying to stay sober made him so onery he was intolerable and so increasingly mean that he had pretty much driven me away for longer and longer periods of time, except for bringing over food and making sure he had something cooked up for a few days.
He was feeling so good that he suggested we get out and do something, the way we used to some time today so the plan is to go out to Fairhaven, take in the boardwalk , relax at one of the park spots and sketch. I hope he is feeling good enough this morning to want to follow through with that thought . . . I have missed these things.
Last night I dreamt I was leading a little foal out of the barn into a grassy area . It was a pony that had been rescued. I was wondering where to lead the pony, if I just left it to graze freely would it run off? but I didn’t want to tether it either . . so I let it free and just set off to the side and kept an eye on it. I was talking to some of the people sitting next to me . . I said something like, remember that other lady before him?? That was his mother. We had to kill her.
Then the foal turned into Carl from an idiot abroad. One of the people said . . he seems to be coming along pretty good.
Notes:
the foal who is being released from the barn is Darrell obviously as is Carl from an idiot abroad . . .an apt metaphor for his crabby, complaining perspective on life.
Two different aspects of his character.
I am not sure what the talk about killing off the mother is all about but perhaps it refers to a role that I had assumed in the past.

July 22
So much has happened it has been a roller coaster week or two. My personal life has been in much distress and upheaval but has now settled down to a gentler level again.
At breakfast, discussing death and reincarnation:
He says: ” when I go I don’t want to be a burden on any one.”
She says: “I do. I hope its messy and I am a real burden on everyone . . and I want to come back as a virus too. Other people say they want to come back as an eagle or something . . me, I want to come back as a virus. a bad one .”
“You couldn’t kill anything.” He snorts with contempt.”Not even as a virus.”
Oh. So in my next life it is predicted that I will be a failure as virus.”
figures.
“You on the other hand . . . bear. Definetely bear. Wether it is Mr. Bear, suspicious bear, raging bear, teddy bear or what manifestation of bear I don’t know but some day . . before I come back as a virus failure . . . I will encounter a bear and know it is you come to say hello.”
” Ill get my chuckles scaring people. I’d like to come back as a big foot”
” Rarrrrr” I imitate.” She throws down the back pack and backs off. You’ll root around looking for what chow I brought . . ”
“Aw shit,” he complains.”Beans.”
“Again.”
“Just beans. . . Ill be walking around poot poot poot and all the other bears will run away from me.”
“Ill bring some charmin too if I go into the woods.”

July 28th
Think I might go out to Lake Padden today. Going to be hot.
Ive been busy, what with work, my grocery deliveries, the homeless connect event and the Saturday market.
It has been eventfull on the world stage as well. Appalled at the last ‘short war’ between Palestinians and Isreal. A few concious people I know are also feeling bad . . but curiously the majority of people have become almost indiferent. As if things other than the kardasians , things on the news, were over there . . not quite real, and not something that touches them in any way.
It is early in the morning. I haven’t had my coffee and so Im not quite up to saying more. Not now. Not here. Not in Darrell’s house.
Yesterday, at my apartment building at Lincoln square, a tenent left an absolutely awfull hate letter on the door of Carol James, who is a friend of mine.
Yes i do have friends despite the demonization campaign. And yes,I do have native friends, even among the James, a powfull and influential family among the coastal tribes.
I was so angry at the person believed to be the perpetrator in this harrasemnt campaign that is being waged on Carol the past couple of months, presumably because she is breaking the rules by letting her daughter and grandson stay with her.
I know Carol. She has been sober for more than 10 years and hasn’t done drugs for 25 years. I admire her a great deal and so does Darrell. A very strong woman who has been through hell and now persues spirituality and healing through traditional ways.
She is also a severe diabetic with multiple health concerns.
About a month ago i was very concerned when her suga levels and blood pressure spiked out of control. She, at her drs insistance, has one of her family members stay with her at all times now.
This note she recieved really hurt her. it was about as crazy and ugly as it is possible to be. I brought my video-camera over and filmed her reading it and her commentary on it, which was very dignified.
She asked me not to post it so i will not untill she decides what she ought to do. She has a cousin that is influential in politics and is always off to d.c and she thought her first step would be to consult him. My thinking was that she ought to talk to Northwest Justice center. However . . .I have contacted Northwest Justice center in the past when i felt the horrible discrimination against Darrell back in 2004 that put him on the streets abd i found that in these cases the primary objective is always to hush things up lest it cause bad press to fall on Bellingham. lest it stir up trouble. Out here there is a huge drive to hush up any kind of exposure of hate targeting . . it’s called creating a problem.
But a furor over what the hell is going on up in Bellingham at this housing project continues to gain attention non the less. What it amounts to is hate targeting and intimidation. I too have been the recipient of this and have been deeply traumatized by it,it seems to reach a frightening level every couple of months no matter how much i try to mind my own business and keep to my self except for general pleasantrys.
This letter is evidence. The woman who is believed to have written it crossed the line by putting it on paper and putting it on Carol’s door.
All the familier attitudes I know so well were in that letter . . we are all coming together speech, the we all feel speech, the get out get out get out speech, the shaming, the jugemental finger pointing and religious righteousness over behavior but most extreme was the racism, blatant racism against Lummi Natives.
If I were post that letter or email it out it could go viral, out of controll. So we are waiting. I thought perhaps she should contact a reporter, ask to have her story told on the evening news.
If there is anyone that needs shaming it is people who have, drunk with a sense of the group power have gotten so out of hand with this stuff. Carol believes it needs to be exposed . . well it has to some extent. I have written about it . . and its been rationalized on national news. But If Carol, a grand mother with a drug and alchohol free lifestyle, with sever health issues were to give the O>K> to post this letter and crack this open . . .there could be no rationalization as there was when this stuff was directed at an indivual with no support, no back up and no family back up or sense of outrage.
The Jaemes are a powerfull family and this woman who is doing this intimadation doesnt seem to realize how deeply Natives feel about attacks on their families ( and even the red necks know that) and how seriously they will take it. She is lucky if she gets off with an ass kicking.
I tried to talk to this woman, I was so angry, because I like Caroll, and i am sick of this crap hurting people in my building . . I said:
“I hope for your sake that you are no the one who is posting hate letters on Carol James’s door . . . ”
and that’s as far as i got, she went ballistic on me and threatend to report me for harrassing her. That’s the thing with these women . . they run to the housing authorities with every damn thing . They gang up and try to push people out or specifically target people they deem undesirable by attempts to get them evicted and making them uncomfortable. its such a poisonous environment. Back when i was targeted, a little over a year ago Even Yoshi was so disqusted he moved out, as did others.
If I had been a person of more charecter i would not have walked away from this fight but what have kicked the shit out of her myself. I really wanted to. Every nerve in my body wanted to. But i don’t need to . . she doesnt want to listen then she is in for what ever is due her, and it will come, in one form or another. Eviction for certian at the very least.
Darrell tells me not to get involved. he sighs. He says its always like that everywhere I go. His technique was to charm the pants off the town after thy put him on the streets, he played up to them . . was so joking and gregarious that he won the war of public perception . . he also blamed me rather than the people who ganged up and had him tresspassed out of spite back in 2004 . . he made seem like karen was the problem and reasured the town that indians do not mess with innocent people . . . Darrell was pretty smart that way.
But when it comes to this kind of injustice, and to me a much more serious injustice because Carol is so clearly blameless and undeserving of attack . . .Darrell doesnt really care. And advises me to do the same.

Later
Not feeling so upset now. its a difficult topic. To write about it is to put people on the defensive, and that creates more tensions. Of course there is loving energy in my world as well, people who joke , who offer friendship and make my day. I hate to spoil what I get and am able to give in that arena of my life by talking about bad stuff . . but it is there. Darrell is right. I ought not to get mixed up in it. There are a lot of James’s and if they feel this is a wrong they will handle it in some way without any commentary from me.
I asked Darrel what he would do if he got a call from the jail because i had gotten in a fight. He said he would have liked me the better for it, even if i lost. it would do you some good, he advised. people would like you better for it and you wouldn’t think about bad karma things like re incarnating as a virus . . even if it was a joke.
(later)

letter to Carol James

letter to Carol James

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