June 2014

3 06 2014

At last my money is in! that will keep me from feeling tooo much pain. 

Bellingham housing authority once again, denied the request to lift the 10-year-old trespass order against Darrell, despite the recommendation of Adrienne, his housing manager. That’s the last appeal.  They cited ‘recent criminal activity’ as the reason.

I am unaware of any serious criminal charges . . it must be pretty minor, and not all that recent. My guess is that it is the result of meagans actions last year at this time during the bug hysteria which nearly got me evicted.  She tried . . . . insisting that I NOT allow Darrell ( the one she believed brought in the bugs) on the property or she would report me.  which she did.  I wish now I had not taken off for Spokane when I did and rather had stayed and helped Darrell move into his new apartment . . . he was really lost while I was gone and needed my help, he crept back into my apartment for a few days to watch t.v.. and Meagan ran right to the authorities. So I am paying now for for poor choices I made a year ago.

I can see why I was so eager to leave . . . I was bitten alive and had hives from head to toe, also poisoning from the bug spray which left me with a rash, ringing in ears and tingling, headache and so on for at least a week. Where would I have stayed?  Darrell’s house.  That’s where I could have, and should have stayed.  His fear and lostness at that time turned to rage and he really took it out on me when I returned.  It probably is what made him so ill with hernias too.

What an awful chapter. 

Well, he is adjusted now. he survived. and he is doing very well.  His house has character.   Something was lost however, I remained traumatized for a long, long time.  its only been recently that life has been rewarding and good again.

Detective English was the one who was the deciding voice in the trespass order decision.  He always had a burr up his butt about Darrell and I and harassed me to death when I was sneaking Darrell up the back stairs . . it caused a lot of misery when ever he threatened me and Darrell had to leave.  The community typically blamed me for Darrell’s being so down on the streets when English banished him.  yet I continued to shelter Darrell despite threats and I think that is a character strength. . . . until last spring.  The path program took charge of Darrell at that point and got him re situated in his own place.  And after years of support . . I was pushed into the background, denigrated by media ( they call it ‘exposed ‘ just like they did in Madison) and made to feel like an awful person.

people believe what they want to believe I guess. I feel almost totally removed from Darrell’s story now.  so I suppose it really doesn’t matter now that the request to have the trespass order dropped was denied, courtesy of our old nemesis detective English. 

I guess they got things arranged just the way they always wanted it now. me destroyed.  Darrell salvaged from street life.  I still feel like there is an organized attempt to get me even further isolated.  Some how I will go on and I am happy to see that Darrell is secure. I am happy for him . . . but something has been lost.

it was never a story that had to do with shame . . teaching me a lesson, making an example of me . . . that’s establishment propaganda, they hijacked the bits of our story for their own propaganda and social control purposes . . especially the control of mainstream young women.

it was a story that had much to do with love and hate. and jealousy from many different quarters. And self-expression.  I always felt that Darrell was an artist whose work ought to be known and I DID do this for him. Telling our story often ran against the interests of other artists in Indian country who saw my interpretation of things as damaging or false, and other interest groups too . . especially those that feared the sleeping giant that is the potential of a resurgent native America. but all that is past now . . . . there is no more story to tell.

We are estranged now.   I fear there will be no more art and that this fragile construction of a sober, and self-sufficient Darrell ( with Karen out of the picture and consigned to the trash heap)  will fall soon with tragic results for us both.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday June 6th, 2014
Dana and I had fun yesterday trying to score a free couch for Darrell. We chatted up a storm, all tensions forgotten. We finally found a pretty nice one, in good shape, at the Salvation Army. in return for the favor I bought her some begonias of her choice at a local produce and flower spot near Darrell’s . A great big hound dog
was snoozing around over by the discount flowers. His name was Lebowski. Lebowski got up and padded away and tripped me on his leash as I was carrying my flowers and down I went. skinned my knees and took a chunk out of my hand. I got a discount on the damaged flowers. I tell you though . . I really wanted to pee on his rug!

June 11
I find it incredible that cartoons I did when I was 29 years old continue to create so much negative energy to this day, and I am 58 now. Every once in while I discover something that lets me know that the energy that was created by this is still alive . . . or at least, it has solidified and been refrigerated, only to brought out with all its original flavor from time to time. As if time had stood still. Some one made some joke about ‘wanting to be the STAR she wasn’t” and that started me thinking . . that cartoon that I did about being picked up in the middle of a rainy right on the coast of Oregon and the very unfunny conversation about delusions of stardom . . . .that really struck a nerve,( it really happen too . . only it was Paul that suggested the idea of a cardboard box instead of a leaky trailer) and it’s been taken way too seriously, raked over for psychological profiling and character definition . . . when it was self satire to begin with, toung in cheek, and there for exaggerated. The STARDOM I was talking about in the cartoon had to do with a small pond full of big frogs on the coast of Oregon and the end of my relation to it at the end of the 80s. Some how that all got turned over the years into a profile of me as a person seeking attention Hollywood “Stardom” . . as if the trip out to Seattle in 98 were nothing but an attention grabbing theater. it really wasn’t my choice once the trip got started and the attention that was given to it later was not of my chosing. The mainstream is so sure of its own interpretations of things . . . and have no idea how distorted they can insist on being. At least when it comes to me. I realize now that that will never change. it has solidified.
All that . . . over a cartoon. Unbelievable . . when cartoons, and whether they offend people are more important than lives.
Work is going well. I have not been carefull with my finances lately and so cannot go on the planned trip I wanted to.
Really do not wish to write about relationship things except to say that once again it seems flirtations are being flaunted so very flagrantly in front of me. Doesn’t hurt as much as it did . . . I can only shake my head at the ways of women . . . putting me down, calling me derogatory names and then flagrantly flirting with my partner when they know I will see this. Such are the ways of women . at least in my life.
I would move right now if I had a place to go to, but Ive been pokey about pursuing that . . always have something going on that’s more important.
My peace of mind of will be soo much better, all the pain I go through and worse than that, all the PTSD it is creating will be better if I had a nice world to start off in fresh. What about Savannah? Or Arizona? something completely new? Why not show up in Aho or something? Lets see where would they need hats this time of year? hmmm that is limiting. Or buy beadwork.
Speaking of beadwork . . I really need to get cracking on that. I have stockd up my supplies and really need to get to work.

June 12
Stommish starts this weekend. They have expanded it to include many activist speakers as well as short films . Winona La duke is one of the speakers. There is resistance to Cherry Point being made into a proposed coal port which would ruin the fishing, and livlihood for alot of families there. Billy Frank died this year and he will be honored. In addition to talks on fracking, coal, pipe line there will also be the usual canoe races, vendors and festivities . A whole week of events . . .
a potlache too I think. The Potlache was re instated not that long ago. I would like to see the speakers, although i enjoy the ceremonies of the canoe journey and races and stuff too. We have nothing to sell. Too much money went to weed. I could perhaps whip some cards off on the 16th . At any rate I am too tired to think clearly so I am off to bed. Have to bead all day tommarrow.

June 14
Feeling very sad. But it is a quiet, calm , poised sad not a sad that is frenetic in its desire to alleviate or express pain.
Ive been catching up on the news, about Obama’s trip to Standing Rock, about the ISIS in Iraq and the ousting of Eric Cantor in favor of some tea party Bratt . . . trying to read between the lines and figure out what’s really going down. Strange that Iran is supporting the regular Iraqi forces. now what does that portend? To keep the americans from coming back In?
Will we be going back in with drones? I am thinking of all that happened during the bush administration . . and we still don’t know how it all tied together.
My thoughts are that Iraq and iran were not letting us have the oil we wanted. In part because of our support of isreal in their conflict with the Palestinians. So we laid plans to go get it and establish a presence in that region. The Israeli lobby played a big part in this. Wether or not 9-11 was an inside job has never fully been resolved but much evidence (especially the money trail) continues to look suspicious . . and I am one of those that believe it is very probable that elements of our gov,cia perhaps in cahoots with Mossad had a role in 9-11. And now . . . it seems we invaded that country, wasted billions of dollars, destroyed culture there, wasted lives, and left much destruction . . so it looks like this mess in Iraq is actually one of own making. Only speculations . . .
Thinking too about what message Obama’s trip to Standing Rock is sending? of all the Pow wows he could have chosen, all the tribes he could have visited . . it is noteworthy to me that he picked Standing Rock. It is undoubtedly a show of support. I do not wish to say more.
I listened to the speech on u tube but did not hear some of the things i thought i heard him say on the local news last night. Perhaps i was hearing things wrong since i was half asleep.
I don’t think Darrell and i will be spending any more time together. I soo want to write out my feelings about this. . .I have been trying to be a support to him by refraining about writing out personal business. Now i wonder what is the point of sticking to that when ive been made to feel so bad, so much sadness any way. But i guess the point now is behave with dignity, wether or not it is respected or not. it is the most important thing, more important than the fluctuations of feeling, the ups and downs of relationship. At least i do not have to contend with cruelty, unpredictability. There is , sad as it is, a certain relief in finally letting go in not having to try so hard to hold on to something, to make something work, to feel one is not getting what one ought to get , what one needs. Feeling unloved is the worst. Now begins the shift to looking to myself for love. Making for myself what i need.
The world of Bellingham suddenly looked bigger, i felt freer . . the way i felt when i first came here.
Despite everything i feel grounded in myself tonight. all my physical pain has gone for now.
i finished up 1491 a couple of days ago and it has been a very enlightening read.

6-15
And now I am beginning a book about the Chinese fleet in 1423 or there abouts and their discoveries. After their era of exploration China closed its doors to the outside world and destroyed much of ther previous record of discoveries. which is why it is largely unknown. This should be an interesting read. I would really like to read more about Russia now . . there is a book some one recommend about how Russian policy actually goes back to the days of Catherine the Great, it’s nothing new . . . have to find out the title of that book.
I woke this morning full of plans. For the past couple of weeks I have been waking up under that depressed cloud . . where one looks out blankly at the world and wonders why all ones friends turn out to be crazy. Why, one wonders, does everyone I know turn out to be crazy. Everyone. Every time i make a friend. And then you wonder about yourself. I think everyone has had that experience at some point.
Then you flip on the t.v. and see all these healthy, hearty , confident people . . and you wonder where are these people?
Where in my real life are the women of fox news? The thoughtfull people on talk shows? Where are the Dr. Phils?
Well Dr. Phil might be for real . . and there are some Dr. Phils out there . . . but brightly informed, attractive, successfull, chipper ladies and gentlmen . . well, i guess i don’t travel in their circles.
Then you realize that much of what you believe is a majority of healthy, hearty, chipper, well informed people . . is actually an artificiality. A mask. An ideal set forth by Hollywood and media and that in actuallity, most people are depressingly crazy. Most people are crazy. That’s the revelation. And a lot of them hide their craziness behind a mask . . so they are very eager to find the ones who don’t conform and label them offically crazy. it takes a huge burden off their shoulders and re affirms the mask that requires so much up keep. When in fact, the officially crazy ones are the ones who are the most real. More in touch with their inner being.
so lying in bed, in an old tee shirt, with a bowl of yesterdays cereal still fermenting on the dresser wondering why all the crazy people are attracted to ME, is actually a good thing.
I spoof.

Wednesday
I have working on bead work non stop for the past 5 days. Did up 4 keycahins and was really excited by the new direction in design. Two of them i already sold to nurse at the clinic. Today i did up beaded earrings . once again, i was very pleased at finding a leather that works just right . . they look very nice, not sloppy the way the ones i was trying to do on shammy cloth turned out. The clinic wants me to work more hours . . and while i am pleased at the promotion and really do not mind working, in fact i need it no matter how hum drum the work, ,I am however, having second thoughts about taking on extra hours . . .i really do not want to loose my s.s.a and medical by looking too capable. In fact, i am not that able . . .my hips are rapidly giving me so much pain that i walk slow, am usually in pain on my days off and sometimes even rely on a walker. I have a work ethic . . and while it’s not what my father would have liked it to be, Im no slouch either. i rather enjoy the mix of very part time work, caretaking at Darrell’s and the leaisure of my own apartment to work on hats and beading and still having enough time to find my social adventures at the Saturday market and on Facebook.
i would hate to loose the nice mix because of a sense of wanting to work and prove myself.

Friday. 6-20
Dream
i ran into Derek L. at a boat yard in ireland. it seemed top be a rather run down, not too big. he was wearing a suit jacket and tie, in earthy colors, kind of professorish . . and he was wearing a skirt. i went up and gave him a hug and people seemed glad that we were on good terms when we met. some one said:
“What are the changes of you guys running into each other here.”
“It’s makes snese,” i replaied,”He always did like boats.”
notes: looks like my gardens of time games are creeping into my dream. . becoming real locations. I am not at all bothered or anything by his wearing a skirt. I had sort of a people change attitude . . . seems to indicate tolerance.

Saturday
didnt do well at the market. No one was buying. had a bad night and maybe I was projecting poorly.

Wednesday
I checked my FB notes, all under a privacy lock and found that most of them had been lost. Especially the recent ones . . that tells me some one has been tampering with this. This makes me very angry. I suppose i will have to stash private material in google.docs or something. Why i wonder, would it be so importnat to suppress any evidence of some bad stuff directed at me,and how it makes me feel, even stuff not available to the public. Also i noted that things I had deleted here in wordpress had oddly re appeared.

Cover up!!

Right now I am dealing with the meth use ofsome one close to me and all the unpredictable, volitile behaviours it creates.
there is a certian relief in finding out it is a drug, not violent rejection of one’s self that is causing this painfull behavior. I am worried that it will go beyond the occasional usage into something that could bring on criminal charges.
I can and will not involve myself with a meth addict. I draw the line there.

The good news in my life is that Darrell began drawing again!! This is very good news !! And he is cooking and baking for himself too!! i brought over some diabetic friendly muffins and oatmeal raisen cookies just for old times sake this morning, made with coconut sugar and organic whole wheat . Miss those old day at my apartment often.
soon i think he will do his own printing. i left handwritten notes for him on how to do it.

I am not sure why people seem to be so angry with me lately. Perhaps it was the thoughts on 9-11 and wether the NEO CONS played a role in it. Well . . I DO believe they did, if not actively, then passively. When you do your research you find all kinds of money transactions taking place prior to the event that indicate that the event was acticipated beforehand . . . at any rate, I am not going to present my views as something i feel absolutely certian about. Many people in america do not believe the officail 9-11 story.
i was feeling very, very bad the past few weeks about some things and no matter how hard i try to write on other topics
other than the one that is closest to my heart, a certian negativity always creeps in when i am not happy. I am feeling pretty good today.

6-29
Gary Olman . . . another one bites the dust. Wonder what it is about stars making controversial statements in Playboy. I mean . . who reads Playboy these days? Does Playboy tell certain people to let it rip so that people will buy their magazine?
is it staged . . . wonder, did mr. Olman speak on certain things to consciously bring attention and debate to them? I mean . . they say negative attention is better than no attention. he must know that there is a audience out there that agrees with much of what he said , there is for example a resurgent men’s rights movement. . is he tapping that for career purposes or is he
just oblivious to the consequences that typically befall high profile people that criticize political correctness or do not follow its dictates. That was his topic . . . the hypocrasy of that. lets just wait and see if the same fate befalls him. I note that he is apologizing all over the place. He must be worried about his career. Or he realized he was spouting off in a way bound to hurt some people . . . you would think that after years in the business he would be savvy rather than careless or ignorant of how this goes. while i dont understand why people should feel fettered by restraints placed on name calling and labeling . . . i do very much get the point about feeling anger that it is so one sided; that comedians for example can use hurtfull labeling, especially the cunt humor. look at all the hurtfull labeling that was made into public humor at my expense, and it went on for along, long time. I myself never feel the urge to use racial or homosxuel lables . . even when im really mad at some one . . so i dont have to worry about something ‘slipping out’ that shouldn’t. but i certianly do have my beefs with the way political correctness can be used to bring people down, and the way it is often ‘set up’ . . how people can be slyly baited into a angry response( my case) or even spied on, hacked or secretly recorded in private conversation to get the damaging statements used to demonize them.
I tried my hand at tamales last night and they came out fantastic. it is good to be at home in my own apartment. The plants are getting big. There is always something to do.
I guess Darrell is really tring to end our relationship . . I get such mixed signals. it is hard for me to realize that he really does want to be left alone, its not just a temporary mood swing . I have a lot to process. I have become numb to sadistic treatment I think. I don’t even cry any more.

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