February 2014

1 02 2014

February 1, 2014
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Had the second job interview. The kitchen manager seemed like he was ready to hire me on the spot but the position was fulltime and I declined it for that reason.The physical toll would be too much, i can’t do the kind of reaching that putting plates on the pickup counter entails . . . not full time for 75 or more residents.
Shopping day for Darrell.
(later) I always forget that when I start a new blog at the beginning of the month it posts to my FB . . .so when I start off the month with a routine, boring quick paragraph, people who read my feed are bound to wonder what the hell?? that’s all the news? She published THAT?
The energy is good today, although it may be boring. and that’s enough for me.
Made rice pudding for snacks and barbeque pork for sandwhiches. I know, pork is bad.
Today starts the diet . . . if I can lose at least 50 pounds I will be better able to withstand hours on my feet. who knows I might even be able to jog again.
Darrell has ceased to be so onery now that his money has come in and he has begun to decorate his house to his taste. you wouldn’t think so but he’s patriotic in some ways and the flags and eagles hangings have gone up on his wall. No pretty, dainty stuff like my place. No dried flowers and artifact shrines and books. I need new lace curtains . . mine have been up for over 10 years.
I need to do my own re decorating. this month I will.

Jan 3
Well, Pete Seager died. Bob Dylan still looking pretty good though, saw him in the superbowl commercial. Well the two states first to legalize marijuana made it to the superbowl. Which is a good advertising pitch for weed . . the bowl, breakfast of champions. proof that weed does not inhibit drive and performance.
I was somewhat amused by the posting about Pete Seager that went something like; “sorrounding hate with banjos.” as if Pete Seager ever conciously announced that he was going to ‘surround hate’. ( they make it sound like the battle of Little Big Horn ). . or even talked about hate much.he did talk a lot about peace, and love, and injustice. Only the recent progressives constantly talk about hate, at least in this state. . . always talking about hate . . and themselves as the army out to defeat it. In the course of 10 years or so out here the inability of the left to take ownership of it’s own dark side has not changed a bit.
Now they are trying to tell me i dont REALLY know how to love. REALLY?? REALLY??
Why is that so hard for them, to recognize loving actions and a loving heart in this person they have decided is the emblem of hate.I can laugh it now . . . but it’s not funny. It hasn’t changed much over the years . . always some kind of footwork going on to shuffle the pieces to fit their paridigim. Kate once told me, back in 2002 0r 3 that “That’s because that’s the way THEY are.” She also said;
“Karen put out a lot of love, they just couldn’t see it.”
But it doesn’t matter . . only when it escalates into attack.
I plan to surround myself with banjos this afternoon . . . treating myself to some new music. Rising Apalachia and Bela Fleck. Beat ya to it. Gonna love myself.
America Unearthed continues to be the highlight of my week. This week they examined artifacts with proto Hebraic script found in North America . trying to see if there was a connection to the lost tribes of Isreal.
The writting they found in the South West is Ancient, really ancient.
wow. That got me speculating. Now proto Hebraic graffiti was found in an ancient Eygytian tourquoise mine some time ago, the first scrpit to use the word for God. It read ‘God help me.”
So that indicates that indeed, Cannanites were enslaved in Egytian mines.
We also know now that the Minoans were in North America mining copper out of the upper great lakes. We also have found traces of cocaine in Egytian mummys. Could it have been possible that if the Minoans were in North America that perhaps the Eyptians were too and that they used Cannanite slaves for their mining? There is tourqouise in the South West . . .but then, is there any archeological evidence to show that North american tourqouise was in use in ancient cultures in the Mediteranian?
I don’t know. Now here’s a thought . . perhaps the Exodus out of Eygyt was really a slave revolt or escape from North American mining ? The American dessert experience could have been transplanted into a local middle eastern mythology that people could relate to. Its a long shot . . just speculation. Will have to look into it a bit.

Sunday
Having nightmares again and these have been doozies.
In my dream on Friday i dreamt that Darrell’s white friends were Nazi type doctors engaged in tourture and experimentation. ivan, Rick and so on. They were wearing white coats and had tied me down to perform an experiment.
In last nights dream i was starting some job and suffered some kind of injury to my leg, which I thought was healing but when i looked at my leg those sores i thought were healing had developed maggots, lots of them. My co worker called a cab and meanwhile everywhere i went I left a trail of maggots on the floor.
Notes:
In the first dream people sympathetic to Darrell are tourturing and eperimenting with me,a feeling I have echoed in the past.
The maggots usually represent decay. Something i thought was healthy, or healing is in fact rotting . . . it could be my outlook, a relationship, any number of things.

Wednesday
I always have these nightmares at Darrell’s. We haven’t been getting on so ive been hibernating .he doesn’t love me any more . Shood me out with all my clothes . . . he couldn’t find something and started to lose his temper so I got up to leave and that was that. So ive been feeling bad, and fucked up. Re reading Jan 3 entry . . looks like I was in a negative mindset, but I can’t remember what put me in defensiveness mode. I don’t know whats going on. I think I will cease to journal now. it serves no purpose .Ill have a much safer and peacefull life if I keep my thoughts to myself. No one needs to know what going on with me, with us at this point. I am not connected with Darrell and so am not putting his pics out and writing out his life . . he is doing just fine all by his self so theres no need for me to spend further time over there, but of course it makes me so unbelievably sad that the discourse has to be rejecting and abusive when I go over and try to do things like cook meals. And of course when I drink at home that gives him all the fuel he wants to really lay it on and make me feel bad. I look over all the old pictures . . . it’sd hard to believe that he can really, truly not remember any of these times any more.

Monday
Feeling better. I would charecterize last week as one of breakdown. Valentine’s day was difficult but it was passed through. Darrell and Andrea did indeed have their Valentine’s day dinner but I did not go. I still have my pride.I think most people who have been in a long difficult relationship that demanded so much and cost so much would be upset at some one else breezing in and having to take a backseat.
Darrells social workers were able to get him his own house and money and things because they were not using their own money. it was the tax payers money. Everything prior to that came out of my pocket, out of my hard work and effort. at the expense of my risk.
I am still having nightmares. about 3 a night. last night i was stuck somewhere and i could hear wolves howling all around me.
There has been some interesting energy the past few weeks that concerns the rallys in support of Leonard Peltier here in WA. Someone i used to know has gotten into the thick of it all and wanted Darrell and I to accompany her but we declined. Having a Lakota escort of Darrell’s generation and background would have given her validity . . but these issues get complicated which is why i choose not to write any further on this topic that has been very central in our relationships. My friend very much want’s to be an insider . . .I very much don,t, stay away from public advocacy or dissidence for reasons that are my own. If Darrell wants me to know something he will tell me, otherwise there is much i don’t ask bout, I know better than to ask for ‘truth’ . . . and I am content not to know the way i expect mafia wives know better.

Friday
Life has been better. The weather warmed up and I spent time outside, saw the first snow drops poking out of a flower bed. On days like this, full of promise, I remember the gladness of being , especially here in WA with the mountains in the background and the bay in the distance. I have been working on beadwork an have about 5 keychains finished this week. Tommarrow they are predicting snow.

Saturday
Seems like I cry all the time now. I just have to go through the excruciating pain of separating,there’s no avoiding it. I didn’t like being so emotionally manipulated, but I kept trying to make things work at some level, because the thought of being left alone in this unfriendly town is unendurable.
But I haven’t been getting any good licks for a while now . . .I guess Bellingham decided Darrell is worth saving and Karen is . . well . . just a nut case. At least that is what Dana quoted last year . The WE people have spoken. Darrell has not had to address any of his mentle health issues and I think, without this, that what ever they have set up will unravel soon. Even if I am out of the picture and Darrell begins to date other women those patterns will reemerge. Most likely he will go to South Dakota. I too will wander off some where. Where I don’t know. Bellingham wanted the artwork without the Karen . . and they tried to engineer it . . .but the creative impulse cannot be controlled by popular psychological or political or moral theory. It is or it isn’t. and it was when we lived together . . . When will they ever learn to leave people alone instead of trying to engineer things the way the wish . . .it broke us down bit by bit. So much suffering. I doubt if he will ever do artwork again.
Deep down inside I am screaming don’t leave me here with these people. I feel as desperate as Juliet. I cannot imagine a world without Darrell in it. How many nights did I go out in the wee hours and bring him home, up the back stairs over the years.Bring out sleeping bags.Even went out o clean him up when he soiled himself. And now I am so hated. The world seems to wish me debased . I read daily things on facebook that relate to karma . . yet I start to feel that in reality it is the most cunning, deceptive, selfish that survive and good hearted people are used up or laughed off the planet.

Sunday
funny how when we are depressed we often come closest to the truth.
Dana offered to take me out to Blaine for a photoshoot to get me out and that would have been good but i was so depleated. Instead i called my Mommy. Nothing like hearing Mommy’s voice. She continues to have falls and fainting spells all the time and injures herself but what more can I do? She says that they have nearly gone through the freezer full of soups I left them and when i joked that maybe I ought to take another trip back and refill it they jokingly agreed which is the closest I am going to hear to a call for help. I think I might, very soon, make a quick surprise trip back . . . maybe even next month. I wont tell them. Ill just show up/ Darrell too is trying to get a bus ticket back to South Dakota, his brother is very very ill . The wish to see family members before they pass on is far more important than the ups and downs of relationships, although when one is in the throes of emotional pain it doesnt seem so.

Tuesday
We have a lot of snow and it is grand!! The computers over at my apartment are constantly down so i rarely get on them.Some people think they are being sabotaged. I do too. At worksource now seeing if i can find some part time work. So much printing that still remains undone . . .never enough money to do up prints any more.Not to be printed i guess. Too late. what little money we’ve gotten all goes to household maintenence and bills. Soon Darrell will be on the bus, within the week. i do not know if he is coming back . . . if i wanted him to stay I surely blew it with my overly emotional states this month. I’ve been so steady up till now . . no matter what was thrown at me. Now . . . So confused. No doubt Darrell will be happy again when he sees family. he hasn’t been happy. The promise of life blossoming out when he got his own place just didnt happen. The thing to remember is not to block anyone’s spiritual progress. If you love someone you let them grow where ever it takes them. I think if ones own spiritual progress is thwarted or squashed out then it is too easy to become jealous despite one best intentions. I am really doubting myself these days, when i was so sure of my own strenghths and purpose and role before. perhaps we will find a way to hook up in the future in the Midwest. Bismark is close enough to both St. Cloud where my folks are and Darrell’s people. perhaps bismark?? Or if it really is the end now perhaps we will visit on occasion, I am wondering if St. Paul would be a good place . . .not Minneapolis, no warm licks there any more . . but still close enough to Mom and Pop and the cultural life in MN. If the comments i read on line following my last visit home are any indication its not going to be very accepting. Perhaps it is time for karen to move on now, re engage in life in some new way.

Thursday
Nightmares kept me waking up again so Im staying up for a while. In one dream acrowd of people were trying to get into my apartment and i didnt want anyone coming in so i was pushing against the door to keep it shut. They were pushing back but I was holding my ground. In another dream some one said ‘duck’ just before a giant roach landed on my shoulder.

Darrell has quit picking on me for now so Im over at his place. Had a pleasent day beading and cooking up . . .spicey red beans with sausage , cornbread with onions and green peppers, spanish rice and home made salsa.

some disturbing news about Pope Francis on the internet today . . . WHY WHY has the Catholic church become so evil in its treatment of vulnerable children?? What made them that way?? Their crimes against Native Children in the past have been extensive, far more extensive than most people know and the generational fall out from that has come back to haunt North and South America. But I had no idea that it was still going on. So disapointed. You want to believe that the good guys are really good guys and it’s disallusioning to find that it just isn’t so over and over and over.
Spike lee had some things to sy about gentrification in New York. One thing about Spike Lee is that he isn’t afraid of controversy about things most people don’t want to examine. I kind of like the guy. I discovered all about the hidden worlds of gentrified neighborhoods in Minneapolis when i aspired to live there. it aint as pretty as it looks on the surface. This area too has it’s gentrified areas . . . Fairhaven for example. Lots of people in their own little Buddisty, peaceful therapys ocean side good living . . genteel on the outside, but as i have discovered ruthless when it comes to preserving their own little bubble. The absoluteism of the pschiatric long arm is the dark side of this gentrified bubble. And the overwhelming rage, a killing rage that emerges when this bubble is questioned is testimony to its sense of unreality and fragility. The energy created at the street level has proven to be more powerfull and influential . . although most people would refuse to believe that people considered to be scum, dirt, cast offs could even have an impact that touches their lives. But ive been over this ground before in the past and i have no energy or enthusiasm for the topic any more. I think Spike Lee is probably as much of an oppurtunist as anyone these days,making compariosns with the treatment of Native Americans now that their issues are moving into national conciousness. just as Micheal Moore is an opportunist . . and Bill O’Reilly is an oppurtunist when he claims to speakout for YOU. I was a hard working blue collar girl and they sure as shit didn’t speak out or look out for me.
(later) here’s a thought. perhaps Darrell’s house is a microwave target.
yes, it’s the tin foil hat theory. Ive read some articles about how microwave tech was used on U.K population after the riots in the 80s and what the symptoms are. Fatigue, docility, confusion, bad dreams, head aches al kinds of health problems and immunity problemsm lack of motivation, apathy,nausia, and intrusive thoughts that can seem like schizophrenic voices. Jesse Ventura demonstrated how this is done on his conspiracy theory show several years ago . . it’s not out of the rhelm of possibility that my symptoms, which fit the profile and only seem to happen at Darrell’s house, at night could be the result of some darker element of the itellegence community.
There is no question that his apartment is monitored to the teeth as is mine but I won’t go into examples here of how i discovered this. it’s too mind boggling and depressing. Not too long ago some guy who was dressed kind of shabby like a homless guy was standing around fiddling with some stuff in front of Darrell’s door. he acted all startled and confused like he’d come to the wrong apartment when we opened the door . . but if he were looking for some one why didn’t he ring the door bell?? Surely Darrell would know a local street person . . he knows that kind of stuff. i suggested to Darrell that perhps the guy was planting a bug. Well, if these things are happening and this is what is tampering with my emotions, my sleep, my dreams and so on . . and bringing me to the point of suicidal depression there is no way to prove it but certian things can be done. First: awareness. Be in controll of ones emotions and pay attention to them. Pay attention to intrusive thoughts. Find a different environment if possible, spend time out doors. Boost imunity with nutrition and excersise and then there’s the tin foil hats and blankets and things. I have limited my environment to my home or Darrell’s for months, neither of which, in reality are safe, although I have been thinking of them as islands of safety and security. When Darrell goes to South Dakota I am going to make a trip some place, I don’t know where yet, and see if this improves because i have to do something. I can’t go on like this.

Saturday
Going to be a good weekend. Found an excellent used digital camera that’s affordable. Ive been putting out resumes and got a few bites.
Energy between Darrell and myself is optomistic. He takes off on Monday and is really looking forward to his trip. I am so looking forward to relaxing at home with a good book with an absolutely blank slate of time. I really need this time to be myself. . Darrell offered to buy me some booze last night . . . after all his put downs when i fell down over the Valentine’s day implosion . . . but i turned it down. I am doing good now and feeling good again despite the asthma . . . i don’t want to see him off feeling like crap, I want to be in good form, with my best spirit present and shining through. i did up cards and prints yesterday for Darrell to take with him. Glad he’s stocked up now. One of the thumb drives of 2011-12 is missing so there were some really good pics i could not print off.
Darrell has been as pissed by the eavesdropping as i have , now that it’s his own home, and pissed too by my former friend trying to worm her way into Indian business last month. She is trying to warm up our former friendship and I have mixed emotion about that so ive been friendly but remain at a distance . . .she told me she was getting threats to stop her political activity but did not say from whom. She dioesn’t know what threat is . . and if she cant handle the heat why is she trying so hard to be an activist. Back in the 80s I watched a number of american women get burned trying to the same thing with North irah issues . . then they cry around. There is so much i could say about this kind of thing ( and of course it brings back some emotional laden personal memories) and I have been very distressed as to the best course of action, how to respond to this situation. i feel it as a threat, and all I can do is let my feelings be known privately and the reasons for them to the correct people, like Darrell and pull back from the whole situation. I protect our peace as best i can . . .it’s not that i don’t support the issues in Indian country, the pipeline issues and other things . . . but i am not the person to be going to rallys that concern a previous generation’s militancy.

I thought about what Anpetu said about promoting what you love rather than taking issue with what you don’t. and that is what I have been doing.

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