January 2014

1 01 2014

Jan 1
We started out the new year with breakfast at Diamond Jim’s a block away.
Darrell was in good spirits, his color was good and he ate it all. His stomach does not seem to be distressing him today. That’s so good compared to the way it was last week or even 4 days ago.
I am spending the day at his place and will accompany him to surgery tomorrow. i have some yarn to play with throughout the wait period. I wish I could b ring him over to my place post op where there are elevators instead of stairs. i could keep a close eye on him then but of course Bellingham housing is inflexible in their selective discrimination against Darrell. never mind that the building is full of druggies and drunks.
“You have too much personal power.” i told him this morning. “When we were together that empowered you so they try to strike at me, separate us and isolate me. This is a town with a thing for control, i saw that as soon as i got here.”
But it’s no matter, our days of sneaking Darrell up the back stairs and . . . oh my god . . breaking the rules(no!) are over. But coming over to his place is much more inconvenient. and then there’s the stairs . . .how does one get a man only 24 hours post op major abdominal surgery up flights of stairs.Once here i cannot wheel him out in the wheel chair for a bit of fresh air. He’s going to be house bound.
So this year . . what is going to make it different. What is different now than a year ago? What do we have to be grateful for? Darrell is not drinking any more and will not be in 2014. Nor is he smoking. The level of consciousness is so much higher. He has taken mastery of his own life .That is something to be very grateful for. I have my own place free of the influence of the streets via Darrell’s using it as detox. It is my place now and that it something i cherish more than anything.
We made some significant changes last year. This year I plan to address health and further schooling and training. I have new projects in mind for my hat thing, a whole different type of product line. I plan to lose 50 pounds.
This month i will start going back to the ymca, which i havent in over two months now, and doing my yoga. I plan to make music a bigger part of my life and visit different places for fun. I want to attend more events .

Jan 3
Darrell’s surgery went much, much better than expected. they got the bowel obstruction and multiple hernias with a less invasive procedure than the large incision they were expecting. he was home by evening. We didn’t get to the pharmacy for pain meds until this morning so he bought some pot. he’s in pain today, but looks and sounds much much better. I was so relieved I went into a deep sleep for almost 1o hours.FH000025
today is take care of business day. A trip to the co op. pay bills. I will be so broke again this month because I must buy new glasses. I wanted to get a certain book for dad and get that stuff out to Kate but I guess I will have to wait . . . again. I could send a post dated check to Y for Kate and Fred’s gift I suppose.
All seems right with the world today. it felt good to look after Karen today and bop around town a bit. Must get back to Derwood now. Seriously . . . I am so proud of Darrell for turning his life approach around. He is so very funny, even in pain and facing anxiety, when he is feeling cared for and off all the drugs and alcohol. and so much quicker, and conscious. So lovable. I was so amused by his pre op fantasies of naughty nurses in short white dresses bending over seductively and petting him and so on . . and then in post op he tells me one did indeed put his hand between her thighs while poking his hand while another one ‘forgot’ to tie his gowns backside. I am so glad is he gravitating away from all that poisoning he was wrapped up in. it seems he is respecting his own spirit, honoring it so very much more and that means he is honoring the spirit of all others as well. The squirrels eat out of his hand now in the morning. They demand their breakfast. This too makes me laugh. I think Mr. spottedhorse has decided to live, and will have many more years ahead of him and I think too his good friends will start coming around again and that he will make new friends and leave those awful ones behind.

January 4,2014
A chard and english bacon Quiche in the oven. Darrell doped and groaning in his easy chair. Had a visitor last night, one of the Rainbow center group . The woman, like so many with psychiatric disorders talked so rapid and non stop i finally just got up and went to bed to send the hint.
There’s a lot of people I’ve run into lately who talk a lot,revealing all the personal details of their past and relationships at once. They don’t listen at all and talk as rapidly as they can . . they think us slow . . . I find them a strain. wonder what its a symptom of in these times. i don’t remember anyone being like that back in the 70’s . . oh, i forgot, that was in Minnesota. Yah, She went off on Darrell for all the young girls that Chief was messing with last year . . boy, that’s tactful, like i didn’t go through enough pain and anger and disgust over that . . it doesn’t anger me now, but it reminds me what a horror story of sick energies gathered in Bellingham. It is not so now.it’s still there, but at the moment it doesn’t touch my life.
She accused Darrell of being a snob now and thinking he is too good for the park . . and that is its own special kind of hate. Well . . maybe he IS better than that. . the best part of him,his real spirit, not the part that carries out lateral violence, hate, self hate, internalized oppression and so on. Sometimes you just have to let go of the way this stuff has impacted oneself and just decide to love and forgive. The demonic will back away like bacteria from a drop of garlic oil.
I am so looking forward to doing my swimming again. I feel so much better since i switched our diets. No respiratory problems any more.
I have Darrell on prune juice and dried plums in the mornings and evenings and ‘smooth move’ tea while he is on narcotics in addition to all kinds of mashed squash and soups and stuff.
Bought some buffalo for when he is better. I refuse to eat hamburger and most store bought cereals, milk, bread, meats. Darrell doesn’t mind all the fussing about nutrition. and he really likes chard. Im going to pick up some Dover Sole that came in fresh at the co op. That sounds soooooo good right now.
Nothing exciting to write about and that’s good.
I had some weird dreams. i was winding yarn . . . it was loosely wound around Darrell, non the less he threw it off. in another dream i was sitting at an interrogation table, or some kind of legal consultation table. maybe divorce lawyers or something. Darrell was there and made the statement;
“We’re just friends.”
Then he made a malicious, triumphant face and stuck his tounge out at me.
So i followed up by telling the interrogators all the bad things HE had done.
“He screwed all the young girls.” i told them and then they were shocked and serious.
I wonder sometimes if it says anything about my character and morals that i accept and forgive such behaviors as long as he is nice and inclusive of me. Is that a weakness of strength? Could his brat behaviours have been a response to MY growth, like doing the stand at the market and setting up online pages. Or my bossiness? he says he likes my bossiness now.
Big Bossy corn fed Karen waving the big thermometer when Darrell is down, force feeding prune juice and smooth move . . in a short white dress with a push up bra and open buttons at the top. Frightening.

Monday
The bruises on Darrell’s abdomen are extensive but he is healing and making up for lost time with meals, rapidly gaining back the weight.FH000021FH000019
Took a few pictures today. Carol James talked with me a bit and told me i had every right to be so freaked out by Darrell’s distress pre op. Bowel obstruction is serious. he is very, very lucky. He doesn’t realize how lucky he is that he didn’t get peritonitis or something.
Started my swimming yesterday and it made me feel much better. Took care of bills and started new projects. Darrell and I are having a lot of fun in each others company these days. he started drawing a little . . . a very funny horse cartoon, looking pained. First drawing he has done since he moved in here. it feels like home now.

Wednesday
sponge bath and hair wash day. Grocery day too although the fridge is stuffed with food. The missing Micheal finally showed up . . with fried catfish and mac and cheese and a can of coffee.
WAs supposed to pick up a bike yesterday ( mine was stolen) but the guy who was going to sell it didn’t show, that’s twice he did that in two days so I’m giving up. So disappointed.
There is much concern about the effects of Fukishima out here on the West Coast. The high levels of radiation are supposed to be here NOW, the past day or so. Apparently the gov is buying up massive quantities of Iodine. I will look into the matter today and see what precautions can be taken. No fish for a while i guess. There’s still walleye and trout. maybe we will have to migrate to Bismark after all. Trout out there.
Today is beading day. Don’t have money to invest in any more yarns so i will have to fill our table with other stuff. Trying to persuade Darrell to make up his wooden earrings that people like so much, or new drawings . One of the side effects of gov. Money is that the motivation to do art is not that strong in Darrell any more. I miss being a part of that so much, its like he quit almost as soon as he got professional web pages set up and widespread recognition. Perhaps its a different chapter now . . perhaps he feels he has left his legacy and reputation and now that drive has been replaced by other things.
I too find it easy to be lulled into complacency and a more relaxed pace now that there is not the pressing need to make money. I want to get busy again this week however for the third Satura market in January. So it’s bead.bead, bead.

Saturday

It Has Been Alleged
Submitted by Danton on Wed, 10/16/2013 – 00:24. Permalink
.that Cary and Giardina were ousted when they “outed” the missing nukes, headed or South Carolina, in a manner “not through usual channels” to the Marine Maj Gens Gurganus & Sturdevant…at the same time a “drill” and supplies were scheduled to be used by the Marines from Parris Island(?)….yes another “drill”…with massive troop movement and supplies….they smelled a false flag event, via Lyndsey Graham, and supposedly the nukes were exploded at sea instead of near Charleston, on US soil.
I am still trying to link to the article I viewed that outlined this incredible story.
I know it seems incredible, but I truly believe Sturdevant, Gurganus, Cary, and Giardina acted in the best interests of their troops and all Americans to disable an administration power play.
Nothing surprises me any more.’
comment to an article posted on
http://www.dailypaul.com/302620/list-of-us-military-generals-and-admirals-fired-by-obama

I looked up the topic after a conversation with a man at the food bank . he asked me if i had heard ‘the latest’ and informed me that 4 of the top military in command of the nuclear arsenol were fired after they detonated a nuclear bomb off the florida coast designated for the Carolinas.
If this frightening news is true it could signal the revolution. If what they are saying is true; that those who refuse to turn on american people are being dismissed right and left . . that this is the litmus test in all branches of serive and especially in the national guard . . . that is very, very frightening.
I cannot say for sure what my convictions are on this yet. Only that a television series called , appropriately”Revolution’ deal in fictional form with this very situation. i was watching it with interest for a while and realized that this program would never have been aired if there were not a substantial amount of audience interested in the topic out there.
How many black ops does it take before people are genuinely horrified and willing to believe that it is possible that a pattern of events. mass shootings etc . . . has been occuring that stink to high heaven.
it wasn’t so long ago , 10 years or so that many people were accusing the government of a cover up that stunk to high heaven in my own case . . . now they brag about how they pulled it off. That’s what got me doing my alternative reseach . . back in the Bush years. I was sickened by the deceptions that revolved around Oklahoma city bombing long before it bacame commen knowlege and the film Noble lie came out.
wether or not i developed a conspiracy junky mindset or if these things are all true about this administration and those before it will be in the hands of those with more knwlege than myself to finally prove. Do i believe our administration could and would deploy a nuclear bomb in the Corolinas to creat dictaorship . . i believe its possible.I don’t know if I believe it is true.

Jan 11 14
We had a disagreement this morning. I am home now and there is a fierce storm blowing outside, the kind that brings back memories of the Oregon Coast.
I had a good day yesterday. I got in my 3rd swim this week and was feeling much stronger. I brought in some branches and stuck them in the top of the birdie cage and let the birdies out. then I turned on some classical mucisic for a change. I played the Bach cello conceritos and Brahms violin concerito.The birdies came out, happy as hell and hung around the branches singing their little lungs out. I was happy too. Just to be in the moment.
I brought a bunch of groceries over to Darrell’s but he wasn’t very friendly. less so this morning. he started off the morning at 4;30 a.m. by damning the way I had left the kitchen. I always do up the dishes early in the morning and try to have fresh juice and breakfast by 8. When he is in abuse mood he gets ultra focused on the kitchen and house keeping, pretty classic. he swore that his friend micheal does a better job. it pissed me off, after all the time I have spent helping him at his place. so I dressed to leave, thought better of it, then went ahead made up fresh orange juice, did dishes, and some stew for the day and settled down to crochet until he woke. he refused breakfast twice so I just up and left. don’t care if he’s not feeling good. He cant take it out on me. Im just not going to take any crap or any games, so I went home. now he says don’t bother doing anything for me any more . . like its all my fault. Well . . I think the problem is his good friend is bringing in booze, don’t know if Darrell is drinking it but I know the kind of anti-Karen energy that gets going when there’s booze over there.
Im not going to take any crap. So I went from a day that started in peace and happiness to a sour, silent treatment abusive thing I walked away from. When and if he’s prepared to be in a civil mood I will go back.
Everyone I know is in some sort of pain. Wether it be loss of loved ones, health problems, lonliness . . .some times it gets down to get with it or get left behind.

Monday A.M 1-12-14
The fretting and strutting did not last too long. We are best buds again. I knew he’d mellow. The trick is not to get riled up or emotional or angry but just calmly and definitively let him know that if your going to take things out on me im not going to visit you untill you play nice.
I have had a tendency in the past to let my buttons get pushed.
Squash in the oven, fresh juice chilling in the fridge, now a few moments to relax before the sun breaks. Nothing to write about. Darrell has cut way down on his medication now . . that may have had something to do with his moodiness and paranoia. His swelling has gone way down and soon i think He will be able to go for a walk again.FH000027 I used my time apart to do some heavy cleaning at my apartment, washing out cupboards and closets . The weather is still crappy so i guess I will spend my day making a scarf, cooking up and browsing the news later.

Wednesday
Did some heavy cleaning at Darrells place and got goceries for him. Robin dropped by and Andrea too a bit later. Andrea had on her ultra furry boots and Darrell was stroking the fur. Andrea mentioned that after he had been sober 3 months she would take him out to dinner . . . that falls on Valentines day she delighted. Then to be tactfull she added “and Karen can come too.” Bam! What a put down. un believable. the and Karen can come too said it all. I can’t believe the brazen flirtation that people feel free to enact right in front of me . . it’s been an issue for a long time. used to drive me to a lot of anger. Same old complaint . . I do all this stuff and look at the way im treated. I went home and had some beers . . which is counter productive if there is competitiveness in the air. And the truth is life and love ARE competitive, there are no guarentees, no oughts or fairness . . just what is. Instead of feeling slighted the smart thing to do is make myself more attractive as a person, not just usefull. Go swimming, put on nice clothes, store up a few jokes . . . I think it was Joan rivers that said “No man ever said ; the floor is immaculate, lie down you hot slut.”
Still . . .when Darrell needed a ride home from surgery his case workers were no where to be found, they were not on duty. It was my time, my cash, my caretaking.
Women are like that though, no one helped out when Darrell was homeless . . except me,when he was drinking so much, now that his case workers have given him his own home he is eligible for dating, provided he stays sober. maybe I should get him drunk! now there’s a strategy . . .
piss him off and leave some beer. Just kidding. Im too ethical for that kind of tactic.
No one ever asks me for a date.

Thursday
Over the jealousy moment. Nothing breaks me faster than this kind of stuff. Cooking up grits and other unhealthy stuff for our breakfast. Lunch is back to brown organic rice and local veggies. Darrell was pouty with me for drinking beer at my place. Back to being fun again this morning. he shared with me that prior to surgery i was correct in my perception that his body was rapidly shutting down, not so any more but he admits that without the surgery he would have died,
I cant let myself fall back into drinking when Im feeling upset . . . its easy to do when I have my privacy and freedom from consequences . . but there are consequences eventually, dulled memory and critical thinking, an aura that is not attractive and so on. I will lose even friendship with Darrell if I let that negative thinking into my soul.
I looked up more articles on the firing of the top military leaders and the supposed nuclear weapon that was supposedly destined for the Carolinas . . . I have to admit that most reports are from patriot sources or tea party sources and although sites like Alex Jones are often the first to ask questions the media won’t report there is always the extreme fringe that flocks to these pages and clog what is often insightfull reporting with hatefull comments. So it always requires some sifting out before accepting anything out of hand . . .obama HAS been purging the military, that much is undebateable.
What is questionable is the motive. Total dictatorship as the patriots believe or something else. the tale of the Nuclear bomb designated for the Carolinas could be a bit of fear mongering for some calculated purpose. My quess is that the military are able to indite obama and have him removed from office if they wished so obama is using his clout while he can to destroy this possibility for some reason..
Still . . Oklahoma and 9-11 remain as troubling reminders that governments can and will use decpetion, and can and will bomb thier own people if it serves a ‘higher’ vision or agenda.

Friday
Did my power swim and am now very tired. We went to Wheel chair warehouse and traded in the wheel chair for a bigger , better model. I wheeled Darrell all the way from the hospital to downtown. That brings to mind an old cartoon I did about our wheel chair future back in 2006<a

wheel chairs
Feeling pretty good this evening. Decided I like Andrea a lot as a person after talking with her some but it’s clear she a little in love with Darrell. All set to do the market tommarrow with Micheal and Julie.

Tuesday
market went OK. It was Chilly and slow. Scored a bike. Home now for a few days. I need the time and space alone.

Wed
. Place is all spiffed up, made cinnamon rolls nd bought craft supplies. Darrell loaned me a little cash.
I dreamt that I wanted to sew him a shirt and looked through my material. it was all in different shades of purple.
note; purple is the color reserved for royalty. It signifies regality I think.

Thursday
I needed this time at home, just to rest, watch some t.v. at my leisure, like the cable news talking heads. I never get a chanch to watch them. Darrell usually watches andy Griffith non stop at his place and since it is his place I cannot dispute his choices. I have been feeling sad the last couple of days and in a way it feels good to finally allow myself to just be sad,instead of seeking the high ground,the path of inpeturbibility and spirituality and good karma , like the way it feels good to let yourself cry sometimes.
A lot of things are running through my mind about a lot of topics that are being tossed around . need to sort some relationship things out too, the mixed emotions that are leaving me confused as to where I stand and more importantly where I ought or ought not to stand.
Darrell used my bike to run down to the park for weed so he is obviously feeling much better. Good enough to do his own dishes now.

I am glad Obama is sweating over the nsa surveillance disclosures. people thought I was crazy when I talked about how peeping tom the liberal Elite had become in my personal life during this administration. they became so emboldened it was shocking, pushing the envelope farther than I ever could have imagianed. darrell's cartoon(Darrell’s satirical take on ‘surveillance’ around 2007)

I realized, as I read between the lines the past few days that they still cannot see what they have done to me . . but still insist they were exposing ‘the truth’ . . that the issue was Karen’s past sexuality and that some how I was either in denial or strethching the truth. instead of seeing how they sought to use this to justify some frightening attitudes that were acted out and caught the attention of the entire world. The real story of their role is far more disturbing . . .the fact that they would be making character statements at all about a private citizen without even giving them a public platform to respond over the span of almost 17 years is the issue. I remember well watching Bill O’Reilly comment, on the air that
“her father says that she is garbage.” Can you imagian how that would impact my family? My mother? How much that would hurt me . . but of course, that was something they felt entitled to do.
they cannot, to this day admit that there was a manifestation of social psychosis that played out, although they must know it. and that it had much to do with the anxieties and rage and the fantasies of domination and revenge that arose with the rise of womens freedom and independence , both economically and sexually, in America. The breakdown of the traditional family, the rage that arose over divorce,the misuse of domestic abuse laws and child custody battles and so on We are undoubtedly the sickest and most neurotic contemporary society . . but it is always the role of the those who control to reassure the masses that they are in the right, morally and otherwise.
But they must know better. They have to.
I think the fact that we as a society are only now addressing the sexual slavery issue in America is a sign that we have begun to grow up a little and take a look at some troubling stuff.

Saturday
Got in two swims in the past two days and my depression has broken. I haven’t lost any weight but I am carrying it better. Swimming is good for the brain, the cardio vascular system and blood pressure even if makes one beefier and burlier rather than slim and sexy. I have been working on beading . . getting projects prepped up and ready to bead. Today i start beading. I have a job interview today and i have to make that huge decision as to wether or not i want and need to get back in the work force. If i go back to work i will certinaly lose my s.s.a. Darrell says i have it made and I should be content with just selling my hats . . . he really doesnt want me to go back to school either . . that tells me he wants me here, playing the role of traditional home maker to him. I thought i was supposed to be the worst woman in the world?? The one who caused it all? The one who hurt him all the time and supposedly messed around and broke his heart and was a problem to his family and all Indians in general. The bigot, the racist, the drunken abuser , the toxic one and so on . . so now he wants me here doing his housework fulltime??
(Im being cynical of course. )I don’t mind looking after Darrell as long as he is not picking one me all the time. Last night he was glad to see me come back and we enjoyed a great meal of tempura fish and collards, cornbread , chili and spanish rice.
Im glad to be back. I got a lot done while I was at home, and i needed to re center.
My thinking on the social security is that it will probably be pulled any way sometime in the future and if a good position opens up in a job feild that I am pretty good at then I ought to go for it. It depends on who gets into office . . if Hillary is the next president I will undoubtedly keep the s.s.a. Not so certian if it is a republican. Then again, Im pushing 60 . . its not like im a life long welfare queen at any early age, altho i did have my years as a hippy
. . . ive worked hard most of my life, all my bones hurt all the time, ive earned the money what’s wrong with just retiring?? Isnt actually the best thing that’s happened to me in a long long time? Why then do I feel so depressed and defeated all the time?
Life hasnt gotten better since I ‘retired’ . there has actully been a spike in mysoganistic hatred. it would be fun to work in a ghood job again.

Monday
Slept like a log for a long time and now am feeling much better. The job interview part one looks promising. they seem like a nice crew. I got one beading project finished, a pair of pants hemmed.Picked up a load of straw for my garden. Nothing exciting. Darrell is pretty much pain free now but can’t lift anything more than 5 pounds. Today I think I will set aside some time to do yoga and listen to music. I plan to start a diet in February but Im not taking on too much just yet, stating off with a month of swimming every other day and then beginning other cardio excersizes, strength training , yoga and calorie reduction. Losing weight will be a major step in reducing the problems i have with my hips and feet. The question is, can I withstand working again? Not wether i have the will to go back to work, but can my groaning old body hold up.
(later)
Well I ended up walking out on Darrell again. our good visit didn’t last long. He started picking on me and putting down my housekeeping. We’d just finished a nice breakfast and I hadn’t started the dishes. he came into the kitchen mad and said that andrea solenberg, his worker had commented on Friday;
“Is your stove always that greasy?” he must have replied that yes it was, never mind that I hadn’t even been there since Tuesday. he told me she had offered to get some one in to help clean and things. he told me he was going to do that. I just wasn’t good enough. That was the last straw for me. Shoot, I spent half the morning last week with oven cleaner and brillo pads cleaning up all the baked on crud on that stove top. Either he’s fucking with me to get a rise and inflict pain or she really did say these things. either way,it’s another put down . I just got up and left because I can see how this could potentially play out . . . if I say anything then he may be urged to get a restraining order or something. It may even be that that is what’s being set up but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. either way, if he wanted me to remain friends and be a part of his life over there he blew it. No way can I let that game play out. I won’t be treated that way.

Tuesday, 28th
Well I guess he pushed my buttons alright. he does that for fun. Only, I don’t find it fun and just because his mood changes and he apologizes doesn’t mean
Im going to run right back with a wagging tail.
I feel good this morning. The swimming is paying off, I am getting compliments on the weight Ive noticeably lost. Today Im really going to work out. I want to really project well when I go to 2nd interview, IF I get to the second interview. I can make up to 770 dollars a month in wages without having to report it. if the job is a full time one then I have to report it and am then on a 9 month ‘trial’ period. if I am still working at the end of that trial period my benefits end. That’s how it works. So I need to be carefull what I take on so I don’t end up with nothing. I feel eager to re engage again . . Im not crazy, and im not lazy either. Im a strong woman . . look at how much I had to carry for so long and how long I managed, I only opted for the S.S.A because of the “plot to pathologize Karen” as more than one person, one of them a psychologist who told me he refused to participate, admitted to. I finally caved under Dana’s advice only to realize until it was too late what I had done to myself and what kind of person Dana really was. I had given my enimies the weapons to slay me. No matter. Im still here. Im still strong, I just don’t have any credibility outside of people who really know me here in Bellingham, thanks to the media who immediately leaped on what ought to be private information to publicly pathologize me.
Much work to do in the garden. The spring perennials are already poking through so I want to get out and turn over the soil. Then I want to make up some earrings
and perhaps another keychain. I think I will make a cold quinoa salad with kale, and maybe something with sweet potatoes. My apartment feels like home again, warm and alive and in order. Watching my favorite shows on ondemand . . Curse of oak island and America Unearthed have got me hooked, and the blacklist. I doubt if any treasure is found at the conclusion of Curse of Oak Island . . presumably this show was shot many months earlier, had a great treasure been found it would have hit the news. Still it is fastenating . . . what could be in that swamp?? perhaps we are slowly being prepared for some astonishing discoveries.
Some people think we are slowly being prepared for the truth about aliens.
As much as I am fastenated by all this stuff, and keep an open mind toward the possibility of this reality there is part of me that wonders if the recent focus on Aliens among us being presented as a truth rather than a speculation might be diversionary. people shift their sense of an evil unseen force greater than themselves,and the recognition of some malovence to something like a modern day satan rather than to forces within our own societies. Time will tell. I don’t disbelieve in aliens . . it IS possible, but I don’t really believe in them either. Time will tell.

Wednesday
Got ina power swim and now all my bones hurt, but that will pass. We made up. I brought over groceries and Darrell “let me” cook and clean which is the closest I am going to get to an apology. I tried to explain, when he called me a pin ball ( easily batted around into richotte) that criticizing your womans house work and threatening to bring in an outsider is a no no, it’s the equivilent of a woman telling her husband while he is repairing her kitchen that his plumbing is inadequete and she is going to bring in a professional . . .these days plumber has an added porno conotation so that would really make a husband hit the ceiling. But sometimes “maid” has a porno conotation too.

Thurs
Set aside time for meditation and yoga yesterday afternoon. I put on some Japanese music and took my time. The weather was foggy and there was a milky light coming through the windows. I had a lot of pain locked up in my body and it took a long time to work through each asna and relax those msucles but i feel so much better, more loving , less cynical and embittered.FH000003 (1) Im not really that embittered, not as embittered as i could be . . . and the things i talk about are only a shadow of the full truth, things that were ment to detroy me with pain. But we have it within ourselves to be destroyed or embrace happiness. Doing the yoga and listening to Japanese music in the milky, lvingroom infused with bird chorus and no expectation but the here and now . . . that brought happiness back to me. I am gratefull today that there is no alchohol in our lives.I am gratefull that Darrell passed through his health crises, that he has a nice place I can visit without worrying about my housing or my neighbors, I am gratefull that my health is not bad and that I am not hungry, or on the street, or caught up in war or violence. I tried to tell Darrell how glad i was and comlimented his inner strenghth but he is hell bent on crabby these days and didnt want any good licks. I have to remember what I have learned about post acute withdrawl syndrome and find a better way to cope with it . . getting up and walking away isn’t a BAD strategy compared to getting combative, or internalizing and turning anger inward . . but there has to be some way to deal with this that doesnt involve so much emotional batting around. Well, if he chooses to be abusive then that is his choice .

Dream
I dreamt I went over to Darrell’s apartment and he met me at the door wearing a cheap, plad suit. He had a yo yo. he told me he didn’t want me coming in anymore because we weren’t a couple anymore. A matronly blond lady had gone to bring up the car, she was going to take him shopping for a better suit. Darrell was jubilent . he went out into the parking lot laughing and playing his yo yo. He said that this lady was in charge of him now and that she would be getting him a car. I was so angry. “Now your throwing me away after all I did . . ” I started off. Then I awoke. Darrell told me I was yelling “you shithead.”
Notes.
The plad suit sounds like a ghetto suit, or a pimp suit. The yo yo is self evident . . he’s plays my emotions like a yo yo. His workers must be the blond lady who is going to take him shopping for a better suit and the promised car.
Darrell’s brother Dallass was good at getting women ( even doctors) to give him a car.

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