it’s october!

8 09 2013

Karen Egerman, Hat Lady slide Show

Ach! Tubers!! the 3rd.
Very tired, trying to get a lot done. got my ticket for Minnesota paid for. Most of the rent .. . I am in a lot of joint and bone pain. Went to the Dr. (again!) yesterday to procure a letter from him requesting that the BHA allow me to move to another building since environmental toxins were continually causing me problems. Im pretty happy about this, it could really change things for the better if BHA pays attention to it . . which they may not. I forgot to mention to the doc. that i can hardly walk for pain in my hips and that ciatic (sp) nerve up and down my side. Just like i forgot to mention my asthma untill it was noticed. . Everytime i feel like i don’t really need the S.S,A all i have to do is a little lifting and I am damn near crippled and totally incapacatated. But i got the letter i wanted . . and some new Asthma medication. Steroids.
I just posted about half of my Spokane journal that i notebooked in June. it’s attached to the end of June rather than seperately.

Mon
Ive been down with a chest cold. It’s miserable. Im not one to get hyperparanoid about vacines, although some of the recent posts by John Rapaport are rather frightening (http://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2013/10/09/what-happens-when-only-16-of-flu-patients-have-the-flu/),
but I had an adverse reaction to the flu shot and then my cough got much worse and my lungs hurt like hell after two applications of the new med. I will have to wait untill Im better before i try using it again.
Darrell is a mess. There was a police call at his place last night. i was at home sick this weekend thank god. He is an inch away from losing his place . . he got very belligerent and disrespectfull and awfull in his talk with one of the neighbors. It remains to be seen what the outcome of this will be. In the meantime here I am, babysitting again when i out to be home in bed, where I want to be.

Tues
Hopefully this will be a better day. My lungs do not feel better but I got a little sleep. Darrell too ate and got anights sleep. This experiment with getting Darrell his own place as a solution to all problems as envisioned by the pschiatric outreach people has turned into a disaster . . things are actually worse in many regards. At least when Darrell stayed with me he was the only guest in my house and so, to a certian extent i could controll the environment, at least who was in it. He used to get over 200 dollars in food stamps, all of which he contributed so we ate well , and with ease since I was in my won kitchen and had to cook anyway.
The food bank was only two blocks away if things ran short. Although he did not contribute in cash he did not demand it too much either aside from essentials. Now I am paying out of my meager S.S.A for his household, cable and cpomputer. The way it was, I was able to the things I needed to do and wanted to do in my own house, I could watch my shows, do my cleaning, my excercise, my crafts projects while Darrell slept or watched t.v. in his own room. True, he often came home drunk or needed me to go rescue him at all kinds of hours , and he lacked freedom and was subject to the occasional threats of the housing authorities and my own bad moods.. . but then he usually went through a period of rest, recovery and drawing. Since he has moved in here he has done no art work. It’s as if the spirit has died. It is much harder on me than it ever was and i have to fight for my blessed time alone at my own place. The traffic that is in and out of Darrell’s new place gives me ample reason to take off for a while but now there is no one to put the brakes on alchol and drug behaviors that usually were in the park or in motel rooms. What happens when he gets kicked out of here??
We had a system once . . and it worked for years. Bu my community decided it must not be . . . we cannot have the C ‘in controll’.
All that art and independence that was supposed to blossom . . it didn’t blossom. The only thing that happened is that i transfered all my maintenence activities over here . . . .while my rest and relax is at my own place.
There’s been discussion that Obama care will limit the choice of medicines, particularly alternative medicines. i doubt that alternative medicines will ever be outlawed, but we will just have to pay out of pocket for them. Not far from here there is a chinese grocery that carries all kinds medicines. I remember in Minneapolis on Nicolett there was a Chinese doctor that had a consultation table set up in a corner of a grocery store that had a large well stocked and mysterious pharmecy. i went there once for a detox remedy and it was no mild herb tea . . this stuff made me sweat. There are homeopathic things I can do for my distress . . like talk to the Chinese medical counter and use the things that have worked in the past for me like a tonic of nettles,mullein, eculyptus, cinnamon and orange peel,lobelia, ginger, tumeric and ginger.
mullein and nettles works well for me. i think the carpet freshener that Darrell used may be the culpret in this latest episode, or perhaps his household cleaners.
I can also change my diet to less animal protein, no dairy, more greens, more olive oil.
if I don’t feel better as the day wears on after these potions I may just go to the emergency room and get some codeine, which always works .

I wish i could write about some of the things that have really been on my mind. Some of the disturbing things that have really been causing me despair. When I am vauge and hint at things that is enough to create community backlash . . .how could I write about the things that are really making me so unhappy.

All i really want now is to see my Mom and Dad at the end of the month.

Wednesday
Feeling better. Doused myself with herbal remedies yesterday. Lobelia, nettles, mullien,lung tonic tea, and a few other things with skullcap and passionflower thrown in for relaxation. Worked. Very bummed out about the theft of my digital camera. IT WAS THE ONE THING i really valued, and the one thing that brought me fun and a senseof purpose. I GOT REALLY ENGAGED IN MY PICTURES.

Friday
stayed with Darrell as he began to pick himself up. Cooked some chicken soup and stuff. he worried me so much last night, he hadnt drank all day after 2 weeks of heavy drinking and had been sick as a dog but i thought he was over the detox hump and resting when i walked in and saw that he was shaking violently and waving his hands. He didn’t immediately snap out of it when i shook him and called his name. When i asked him if he was hallucinating he said he was . . so that would be the DT’s. The first time ive ever witnessed it . . .I wanted to call an ambulance and have him taken to the emergency room and then medical detox but in WA state you cant do that without permission and he didn’t want me to do that. I didn’t want him to die on my watch, and people DO die in DTs and seisiures. So for better or worse i made the judgement call to go to the store and get him a can of beer. I tried to talk to him when he was a little better about what was happening . . not in mean way, a very worried and saddened way . . . that i felt he really needed to address his problem. i debated wether or not to call his counselors and rat on him. I am being used to enable the very alcholism that has sky rocketted since he got his place by covering for him, fixing it up so he can keep his lease, bringing over food, cooking, cleaning during and after his episodes and in doing this i fear i am actually making it possible for him to hasten his own death. . . ive whined around and retreated emotionally from the scene after being hurt and brought down by it but the fact is Darrell needs intervention by some one other than myself for the life of his own soul. When some one goes into DTs there is no denying the seriousness of the problem. . i know what i witnessed and it scared and grieved me, as well as repelling me. is there NO HOPE? No One who will take the initiative? i dont want to hear about rock bottom and enabling and all that . . we all hope and try in our own way to keep someone we love going, even if they have hurt us alot . . .hope that they will reurrn to the person they once were, would try at least. what do i do.

Sunday
Today has a good feel to it. Despite everything. their is a slight fog and the weather is pleasently cool. I worked the market yesterday and had fun chatting with all kinds of people. There was a demonstration over Monsanto in the after noon that passed through.
Darrell is not drinking now and we are content to spend time apart in our own worlds. I am content in mine today. i feel . . free. it’s not a feeling i have felt much recently. Like i can go out for breakfast someplace and listen to N>P.r and just take my time. And the letting go of Darrell ,and his world, is not so traumatic and sad.
There was rioting on campus last night . . .perhaps the tail end of the demonstration passed that way and partiers joined in. when the police came to break it up, it broke into a riot, a big one, bigger than any little ‘mob’ i saw on the Madison campus.
These are the best and the brightest that had nothing but ‘contempt’ for me? throwing beer bottles at cops now instead of Karen.
they just showed themselves for what they are . . so should their little opinions matter any more? WW has gotten a bad reputation the past couple of years . . and as i read comments on this riot from other states in the US i get the feeling that Washington Statehas too. A reputation for barbarity and mob sentiment to be sure .

Tuesday. had a waking nightmare this morning. i went out to dinner with my family. A burger joint somewhat out of town. they ordered and sat in the dining room toeat. I waited and waited. finally my burger showed up but no fries. So i tried and tried to get some ones attention and get my order but it was one of those dreams where no one was listening and didnt care and i got angirier and angrier . . .
finally i started making threats. Eventually my fries showed up but no soup. i went to see if my familyw as still there and my dad saw me and waved but i went back and tried to get my soup. finally i decided too much time had passed and so ilet it go and headed to the dining room. my family was gone. i went outside and they were already pulling out in the car. kate was driving. i thought for sure they would see me, i started waving and running towards the car but they pulled out and left me, perhaps as punishment. Ifell down on the pvement and cried and cried.

notes. In the dream i persue an injustice . . not getting the meal i payed for. I dog this while my family dines and then leaves without me, in a sense going on without me. i have lost them just as i spent so much time out here fighting what i thought were injustices towards me while my family ‘went on’ without me and left me behind.

signed Darrell up for a online native dating service. he’s in a good position now to start fresh, he has housing and money . . . dont know if he will persue it but its there if he wants to check it out. God, Im even pimping for him!

Wednesday
Got a haircut. Ready now for my trip. Can’t wait to get out of here. I think there has been some pretty damaging charecterizations of me in the media but i have not really been aware of the exact nature of them, only the fall out. it is hard to comment when you don’t catch these things . . no one tells me either so i have to guess . . usually there is reaction from people that clues me in, and hidden messages like ‘cyclone of contempt.’ I note that there are no more likes on my my facebook page, not even from people that customarily ‘like’ humerous items or cool pictures.
Darrell has quit drinking he says. he is looking good. The inspectors came over and foun d his place in order. Got to hand it to that guy, he is slick, and he always manages to pull things off. always.

Friday
Got a haircut. Feeling O.K. now. Made some new facebook friends. So i guess Im invited back into the circle. Just new friends. Better than being down about the loss of some old ones. Maybe it’s me that has grown and shed their skin for a bigger, better one.
A tresspassing order has been issues for Laura,Darrells ass on the side, by his building. I don’t know the story but i know that Darrell is being asked to consider a restraining order against her. Boy, that really makes my day. Karma ya know.
That situation caused me so much pain when i came back from spokane. i think she may have taken my camera too but i can’t be sure. I know she steals. She, and others were just soo horribly disrespectfull.
Darrell seems like he is trying a little harder to coax me back. I am ‘IN’ now . . and the street girls are ‘out’. i like spending the time i do with him now, but no way will i give up my private life now that i finally have it. i so enjoy the time i have to myself , in my one apartment where no one can mess with me. Ive had so little happiness and im not going to fork it over to anyone ever again. look at what i got for all the effort and support . . how ive been charecterized!!
The bug guys are going to do a final spraying after the 29th . . here’s hoping they dont decide to overdo it again.
Big anti fracking conflict in Canada right now . . sounds awfull. Confrontation in South Dakota too against supremicists moving into Duer . . or whatever that town is called. mainstream news is not covering this as far as i know although it is important to many people in other countries around the world. So i will post that information via facebook postings.

sunday
Did a good trade at the market for a hand carved bear clan pendant made up in Vancouver B.C. A mother daughter team from new York that sells all kinds of cool stuff had it for sale for $25 and as soon as i saw it it spoke to me. i knew darrell ought to have it. The girl who was selling it was sad to part with it, it had been special piece but she felt it was time for bear pendant to move on to the right person.i traded earrings, a hat and several cards and we both came away feeling it was the right trade I felt like i was the conduit between Darrell, the right person for this pendent and the girl from New York, the seller. She was a fan of his art work and had bought some of his bear pictures before. When love is in your heart again it is not hard to recognize this energy and what is ment to be. We had a lot of fun talking about american journalism, coast to coast show and the guardian.
I did well at the market.
what is going on in Canada right now is very significant. i feel it is my role to make sure that people are aware of the postings about it as far as i can within my circles of influence . . since out media isn’t touching it. i could say a whole lot about this . . .but this time i will keep my mouth shut . i simply post the info that comes my way without commentary.
it looks like the Indigenous uprising they were so afraid of in 1999.

Tues
Hanging out with Darrell and Micheal today, cooking up.

Monday
Getting ready to take off for MN, just a little packing. Did very well at the market this weekend. almost sold out.

october 31st.
Back in St. cloud. It’s nap time for Mom and Dad, both of whom have gotten much frailer since i saw them last. it is great to be home. Had terrible nightmares the past two weeks, and on the train but I won’t recount them now. I make the shift of conciousness so easily, as if Id been here only a few days ago and pick up without a beat, remembering the streets, the stores.
(later) cant sleep although i need to. In a lot of bodily pain. Dad and I put on funny hats and passed out candy to the tots.
In one dream I am in a saloon or house in the old West.it looks like the railroad town of ‘hell on wheels.’
suddenly there are helicoptors firbombing the house with heavy fire power. I try to take cover and look around for the others. In the dream I am thinking that this is for real. these are real bullets and they are ment to kill and I could really get hit and killed . I locate some of my ‘people’ a guy and a little girl and try to find some place to group safely.Then I am telling an old friend about this, trying to convince him that as unbelievable as this sounds it was true and that it had happened several times.
This was one of the more despairing and troubling dreams, although certinaly not the most distressing one.
In a sense i HAVE been shelled, and the intent WAS deadly, it WAS real, and it WAS ment to kill.I havent written of much of what i was encountering in Bellingham . . because it’s depressing and useless and i feel i can no longer do a damn thing about it any more. I am cheered however by the positivity I recieved at the Saturday market and what we emphasise is what becomes our reality. My seeling out my stock and having a great old time talking with people was my personal triumph, of will, of spirit.
Well . . . so here we are. In O’Reilly territory. I note as i scann the channels that the lineup is not as conservative as it was the past few times I have been home. I was watching Colbert report and Democracy Today for a bit . . we dont even get Democracy today in Bellingham and i have extended basic there. ( or is it the next grade up?) No H2 here however or smith or any of the channels I have gotten used to watching,
I used to keep up with cable news debates and issues but not much any more.
Spent the evening looking through one of the geneology books my Dad did, on my Irish ancestors. Goes back to the ‘big wind’. but no further. interesting . . not riviting, but interesting. My ancestors were no slackers that’s for sure. Untill me i guess. But then, i was ‘ruined’ by the liberals back in the 70s, so my Dad has said. No comment. I secretly have wondered if he might be right,but then it all depends on what one uses as the criteria for sucess. I lived my ruined life at a deeper, more passionet and questioning level than my less ruined kin. Happier? no. More sucessfull? no. More stable? certinaly not. But there was a fire for direct experience in me once.
I found a story about my ancestor Barney Murphy that emigrated in the 1840’s . apparently he was known as a business man with a kind heart for the less fortunate. One day his kids were out working the land and an Indian (the story did not say which tribe but Darrell tells me the area around St. Wendall was occupied by Sioux) guy sat down on a log and pointed to his mouth indicating that he was hungry. Barney sent out some food to the man and after that other Indians would come and sit on that log when they wanted food and he always, according to the story fed them. I always wonder what relations between my ancestors and Darrells were like, wether my pioneer ancestors were ass holes or wether they were people who dealt justly. Now i know. having experienced the famine i expect my ancestors from county Down WERE kind to those in similar straights.
I write this as I ponder the cuts in food stamps that will be instituted. How on earth will we afford to eat anything but rice and beanies and weinies. it makes no sense to me except to shore up a moral point about who is ‘deserving.’ it makes no practical sense. Food stamps stimulate the economy , the cuts in food stamps are nothing compared to the billions that those ass holes that shut down the government cost the american people.
Also, as history has shown, well fed people ar less likely to rebel, or do bad things. they are more controllable. The Irish never forgave or forgot the famine and that carried over to strife in later years, nor did the Natives of this country.
Then there’s the question of wether the food that people buy that is gentically engineered is life sustaining even if it is avialable. but just maybe Im getting alittle sleepy now.

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