September 2013

2 09 2013

September 1st.
Very tired. Have not had that first drink but am being tested by drinking people in a big way. people dont like my past drinking behaviour. . but when i am trying to do what i must to keep sober the same people insist on imposing their drinking, always pushing boundaries. I’ve been tough through so much the past months . . but I broke down and cried this morning. i was ready to take a hike to Oregon for a while.
I did the market on Saturday and sold out my best hats. I had a wonderfull day among the artisans,traded with Sally, and patty for a beach glass planter and zen stone thing. Have been buying lamps and household stuffs. Things slowly getting fixed up. Darrell gets his new bed on Wednesday, and an entertainment center, a couch and a microwave. His art workshop area was put together this morning. Looks like a real artists work space, complete with paint stained saw horses. I got a brand new recliner and soon i will have my bed too.
Everything in better harmony this evening, with spare ribs and saurkraut in the pot and ‘Dances with Wolves’ on t.v. . . . and the nation ready to go to war in Syria.
There was a march through downtown yesterday . . and it had a substantial turn out, not just the usual die hard activists who used to stand outside the courthouse every Friday during the Bush years. If i hadn’t had to mind my table i would have joined them.
How different the thinking is in 12 years time since the call to war on Saddam Hussein and his w.m.d. The public is far more willing to be skeptical.
I think his passing it on to congressional approval is a way of saving face gracefully.

Monday
I hate 3 day holidays when your waiting for a gov. check. Have a job interview on Wednesday. Nothing to crow about, just caretaking but they do train on the job and i would like to have those credentials and certification on my resume. If i am still going to be wrapped up with Darrell in some way as a helper as he becomes increasing disabled then i want to get paid for it by the state. This will be good training.
The extent of my future involvement with Darrell is questionable. the key question is always is it worth all the pain . . and blame. hes got to understand that friends means friends if he still wants me to be a part of his life.
I am so full of sadenss and turmoil that i cannot express. ive sworn not to write out all my problems with people putting thier conflicts and wickedness into my life and trying to start fights, create pain and conflict . . and always it seems when there’s a degree of peace and happiness in my life. it seems when others have been dumped, or made a fool of in love, or hurt in love . . then they look around for a 3rd party to involve, bring into their conflict . . and then they turn theri feelings of rejection on that person and make them feel bad,try to focus all their anger and blame on that person. that person has usally been me in Darrell’s circles. And other circles too. I am so angry with some one right now for pushing boundaries and insisting on communicating their transparent emotional dishonesty dispite polite requests from me not to involve me. The lies are so transparent . . and the underlying hatred too, the desire to hurt. Even Darrell had to speak up . . and send a message, and he defends me so rarely. I have to give him some credit . . . he is doing this more and more since I have quit drinking. and some of his friends , like that one woman he is fooling around with , have been cat calling me derogatory names. yes . . . i ran into her on the first outside Darrell’s. Well at least the nausiating bullshit is over, and all the polite protocol . . .it had been creating unhappiness and emotional disturbance and turmoil in me for a number of years . . . I really dont think Darrell is capable of seeing his own role in seeding all this aggression towards me. He really can’t see it, how he himself is largely responsible for how people in Indian country see me, especially his family. he knows that he has lied bout me . . he is able to admit that to himself. so there’s a little responsiblity there . . but Ive come tor ealize that that is just Darrell and hes not going to change, or see the light. Moreover he certinaly is not unique in this. Many. many people are like this. the extent to which others acted on the green light of aggression against karen is testimonial to the latent capacity for blame that can be unleashed is so very many people. I already know that media will never, ever see their role in this, which was huge. and even if they do see it, they are incpable of givinga shit orseeing the wrong of it . .we have become a nation so insensitited to all the deception we are customarily immersed in that it has become normal.
i am trying these days to take responsiblity for my faliures . for example . . the time i threw away Darrell’s art supplies.
I then tried to ‘fix’ the situation by asking for donations. At the time a man by the name of David sent Darrell a whole box full of stuff. i only recently found out how much resentment he felt about the situation. True we sent him some stuff in return, as a thank you . . .but here it is , almost a year later and suddenly I’m dealing with the unexpected fall out from that. that action . . throwing away Darrell’s stuff . . .is what finally motivated Darrell to seek a different place to live through the available channels, and of course i have been villianized as the meany in the community for this . especially among the social workers that helped darrell through the hoops. they have tried very hard to get me completely out of the picture since then . . I am the one with the issues, the meanie, I hadn’t thought very much about how this call for donations to help Darrell made people think about me. True . . no one forced David to send the donations he did, and I certianly wasn’t using Darrell to make money as so many of Indians have been claiming for the past year or so . . . i never made ANY money off of darrell’s art . . and i sure as hell stuck a lot of money into it over the years. So that is just one of these things that they call . . having to deal with the consequenses of past action and making amends when possible. I did what i could, apologized , and offered to sned restitution to make peace. That’sabout all i can do to creat peace . . i don’t want to feed it by justifying and defending myself. i am just trying to free myself from things that create anger and resentments, if that means walking away so be it. Some people have their own issues . . their own resentments , some people are prone to resentments . . .
the other day i helped darrell set up his art workshop area. For the first time all those supplies that David sent were set out . It looks like a real artists work area too. so something good came out of this . . . things get resolved the way they were ment to be i guess .
In the end something has been lost. Something is missing in Darrell and i now . . .there was a force of love . . no matter what the media said about it. And there was a warmth.
Now his world is filling up with material things. I dont think he is completely happy. I think he is feeling a little empty. Just as I am feeling like i have been stripped of what ever force animated me and defined me.
i feel like evil has won a temporary battle when it comes to how I have been defined. i will have to contend with guys sneaking up and hinting about ‘are your needs being met’ based on all the evil that has been spread about me . . they are in for a surprise. they will get their feelings hurt because no matter what names i have been called, how i have been defined . . . i am not some rug, . I have no use for them. I have been faithfull to Darrell for 17 years now and i was a strong force in my own right and much tougher, and resistant to social nonsnse than any one knows. some day perhaps the sickness of our society, and particularly what ‘went down’ in Washington state will be recognized. Perhaps not, because it would mean exposing the rot in the heart of the people who weild power in this culture. Everyone gives lip service to this perceptions from time to time .but few people have had to experience it at its worse as i have.
(later) still depressed this evening despite spending time alone at my place puttering around, and going to a barbeque that Yose threw for Lincoln Square today. Barbeque chicken and hamburgers and all kinds of stuff including dynamite salsa. what a lot of smarts that guy has. what an admirable way to turn sour energy into good . . .i used to like to bring people together too and cook for them.
alone tonight. Darrell is drinking a lot and i know he wants me there but i just cant put myself through it. Feeling torn . . a couple of times i have seen him sleeping, hands folded, and . . well, i had a premonition . . like he was dead. like a vision of him at a wake or something. . . and then i panic and want to do SOMETHING that will not cause this .i wonder if he is long for this world . . i wonder if all these things are killing him at a deeper level. Spirits have been present in that apartment Darrell believes. His neice died and on the day she died the smoke alarm went off although nothing was cooking or being lit up. Ive experienced this kind of things numerous times in my relationship with Darrell . . .in relation to family members who have died. He has a power that way and i do not doubt it. part of him lives in a world of spirits. Do I stay with him when he’s drinking?? o does that as popular culture degrees ‘enable him’ . .therefor a bad thing. or do i trust MY visions. perhaps it is THEY . . the we people who know better than we do who are killing him, as perhaps they are killing me.

Friday. . . or is it saturday
that’s called relapse thinking.the thinking starts before the drink. i tried to get to womens meeting but they wer cancelled due to the holiday. I had a bad weekend. I spent a couple of days here and went over to look after my birds and darrel. had to break in to darrell’s place. the birds were starving . I I spent 24 hours looking aftyer his world . . . but Ill only say this ; that the experience made me never want anything to do with him. he is becomiong so messed up in his sexuality, its unbelievable. Its just awfull what that guy does,
i grieve for times when he wasnt like that so much, but that;s just a trap. I have to look after myself now. I brought the air mattress over to my place and had a really good nights sleep. Old Bill who is starting to have troubles with alzheimers let me have a t.v. for 15 bucks for the bed roonm. . . .,he is such an old fashioned gentleman , so kind, and so full of advice . . . .
“Don’t fix your place up to make your boyfriend happy.’ he said ohn leaving, ‘fix it up to make you happy.’
sometimes i forget , during these times, how many really good people there are out there. Like Carol and bill. Really Decent [people who have commen kindness and insights.

Sunday
Went over and cleaned up Darrell’s place. made sure he had food. he is in a drinking depression . . and lonely i think. As i am. I dont know what to do. It looks as if i am in ‘trouble’ again . . . . .i feel like i was set up . . and when i ttried to extracate myself from what looked like a potentially destructive situation I dint do it very well. i was on asuch a pinkcloud there untill that. Now its back to everyone being mad at Karen, wanting to punish. Enough is enough. that’s the role i get pushed into . . .I realize now that there is no hope. its not a question of attitude, Of acheivement, its just the way it is. it will never, ever end.
Im so tired of always being the focus of anger and blame . . can anyone blame me for wanting to back away??

Wednesday
big changes going on here at Lincoln square. They are giving us a notice that management may change, that the properties are losing a lot of money because they cant support the properties . . . so they are giving people a chanch to move.Well if they had spent some of that money they got for green improvement on sensible improvments perhaps they wouldn’t have this problem. if they had been on the job with the bed bugs so many people would not have moved out . i called in the maintenence team as soon as i found critters. they said ” No problem”. the problem, the source, it turned out, was across the hall. all hushed up. street prostitutes as i originally suspected. After a month of doctor visits and various treatments it became obvious . . bed bugs. By that time I had been eaten alive and the bugs were visable. No onme. No one had enough but routine concern to figure it out, dispite the epidemic that is raging not only in Washington but across the nation. As a result i was in such distress i had to leave to Spokane. . just as darrell was schedualed to move into his own place. i reutrned to more laxness, despite my efforts to comply to the rigourus standards that required me to throw out a lot of my stuff, bag up all washed and dryed cloth, empty drawers and so one and then reassemble. I also became the target of a witch hunt . . “the one to blame” . . . “the boy friend to blame” . . .it over shadowed previous stuff ive written of . . .the housing authority has ended up paying a lot of money because of it’s own oversights and negligence . . . .and now it is being deserted like a sinking ship. So i will have to move eventually after all this.

Friday
have spent several days at home, very depressed about a number of things. Finished up one of my better hats at least. Got really fucked up, so now Im where people want me again . . the object of ridicule, feeling beaten down. but it’s not the end of the world. i had the foresight to pay my YMCA membership and if I start swimming again in the morning and keep at it I will start looking and feeling better quickly. i think both Darrell and i are feeling shattered in our self esteem. We both are hyper sensitive people, and dont handle alchohol well, and have critical self esteem struggles that go way back to early childhood,
Some one here in the building has been repeatedly pulling the fire alarm. A few nights ago it happened about 5 times. The alarm was very loud and annoying and ran on for at least 15 to 20 minutes each time before the fire department showed up. No one got any sleep. There were rumors the next morning that the culpret had been apprehended . . some one with scizophrenia. if so then there can be no ‘punishment’. There were jokes about how half the building could get off on an insanity plea . . it is after all, a felony . And it should be dealt with harshly. Their are many elderly people here, and people whose health is fragile.
But these are just rumors because the authorities have been keeping quiet while an investigation is underway. If they did apprehend some one then why did the vary same thing repeat itself again a few days later?? Could this be organized mayhem? If so for what reason? Is it the usual hatred of those old white women at Lincoln square and how their clannish hysterias create pain for people who are targeted, as Darrell and i were? Is it street energy . .or a continuation of a ‘war’ that has been hushed up on and off over the years? Or perhaps the alarms really were the work of some one who suffered from serious mentle illness the first night . . and the second night was a copy cat who witnessed all the disruption the first night had caused.

I have been following the developments with the saber rattling over Syria . . . and Putin’s diplomatic trump. to qoute what’s his name:

“Putin, being diplomatic, was very careful in his criticism of Obama’s September 10 speech in which Obama sought to justify Washington’s lawlessness in terms of “American exceptionalism.” Obama, attempting to lift his criminal regime by the bootstraps up into the moral heavens, claimed that United States government policy is “what makes America different. It’s what makes us exceptional.”

What Obama told Americans is exactly what Hitler told the Germans. The Russians, having borne more than anyone else the full weight of the German war machine, know how dangerous it is to encourage people to think of themselves as exceptional, unbound by law, the Geneva Conventions, the UN Security Council, and humane concerns for others. Putin reminded Obama that “God created us equal.”

If Putin had wanted to give Obama the full rebuke that Obama deserves, Putin could have said: “Obama is correct that the policy of the US government is what makes the US exceptional. The US is the only country in the world that has attacked 8 countries in 12 years, murdering and dispossessing millions of Muslims all on the basis of lies. This is not an exceptionalism of which to be proud.”
Not that Im any great believer of Putin’s exceptional humanitarianism . . but there are more people in the world who are in agreement with Putin than U>S propaganda. And am sick and tired of U.S propagandistic appeals to ‘enough is enough’ thinking . . .appeals to moral superiority and imperitive . . . also the idea that exceptional people are worthy . . and everyone else does not deserve the most basic humanity . . .i reacted in horror whn i saw that directed at myself years ago . . and I was n9ot afraid to make comparison with the propaganda of the 3rd Reich. i said over and over again that i found it frightening and dangerous. the potential for creating a mass of ccontrolled pschopaths is never to be toyed with. I thought perhaps those days had passed and i could not believe it when kerry began to employ the same old rhetoric that the bush administration did years ago. its about time some one slapped down a rebuke.

Saturday
Funny how there was nothing in the news about Putins letter to the New Yorker, the resolution to the chemical W>M>D , the diplomatic trump . . no9thing about Syria AT ALL. i just read that practically non of the soldiers in the military supported an attack on Syria. I believe Putin was correct when he stressed how destabilizing that would be in the Middle East. perhaps the plan all along was to create a reason for going up against Russia . . and we lost. Russia came out stronger and smarter.
Dropped some food over at Darrell’s place. People have brought him furniture and his place is beginning to look nice. Found a queen sized futon at a garage sale across the street from him . . and we are still need decent beds. No money however, and the seller was at work. Left a telephone number and asked if they would accept I>O>U. fingers crossed. The energy was better last evening. he seemed happier . . and he was not drinking. But there were some under currents , under mutterings. . . .I guess his workers are going to appoint some one to look after him . . of course, as usual, all the stuff i did just wasnt good enough.
I want to be around people who bring some happiness in my life or be alone.
Some guy was trying to bring me little gifts last week and just as i predicted i had to hurt his feelings in a big way. i dont want to go into the reasons I didnt want his attentions. I do not like Teddy bears, gifts of food, dumb jewelry and stuff. Especially Teddy bears. Like Im obligated to be nice to some one because they brought me t.v. dinners and weiners.
Bark. Bark. Bark. I am what I am . . . when word gets out that i bite intuders they will stop being so sneaking.

id rather be despised.

Tuesday
At Darrells place. Spent the previous day and night at my own place and it was nice, just enjoying my own space. Cooked up some stuff for Darrell at his place this evening and its as if the bad incidents . . ( and they were BAD) never even happened. Foot rubs and backrubs are healing touch.

Friday
Am over at Darrells beading and trying to get things ready for tommarrow. its supposed to rain . . but if so, this stuff needed to be gotten ready any how, who knows what the next week will bring.
They are trimming the damn Elms as i write. There is sunlight instead of gloom in the livingroom. What a difference it makes!!
All the ‘change’ and reorganization has ended now. My apartment is where it needs to be to be comfortable, except for a bed and so is Darrells and the routine of daily life is being re established. Things are different between us now. Less emeshed . . more accepting of eachs others sperate life, space and associates. i don’t care now who he hangs out with or sleeps with . . but the funny thing is . . he doesn’t seem to want to do that any more. We are like an old granny and grandpa . . content to cook and eat and do old people stuff together. I spend about half my time here and half at my own place. I let Darrell set the tone as to what sort of environment he wants to be in, wether it is drinking friends or domestic comfort. I just get out of the way when he has company.
Some people in my life acting all hurt because i pushed them away . . but even Darrel admits they were trying to start a fight just when things were going smooth again. and if they feel hurt then perhaps that is what they called karma . . or is it that that only applies to aggression towards Karen. I accept that the doors of the ‘circle’ are closed to me now . . in a way i closed them myself after this last episode.
iut mirrors what happened with Jan’s circle in Minneapolis so closely and i expect that there will be some bad fall out, as there was then.
it was when Darrell and i were doing well and had shut Jan’s inner circle out that they sought to bring me back in . . and then blamed me, though i never injured Jan. She surrounded herself with some pretty pathetic guys however who were constantly trying to seed mischief. That’s what started the whole thing . . . . people can be like that. Like then, i realized my desire for a woman friend, a confidant was being exploited for information. Same thing with Dana. In every one of these situations the friend has claimed their motive was kindness . . . and reacted destructively when I refused to be controlled any further. Next time i hope to handle it better . . the trick is NOT to react, or get tricked into talking about this person or that, or let yourself get riled . . the thing to do is walk away quietly when you feel pulled into something negative without a word.
When some one has been identified as ‘the problem’ it serves a purpose. It takes the focus off the hidden problems among others relationships. The last thing groupos of people, or indiviudals want to see in these situations is the problme NOT be a problem. The ‘sick’ one do things that are pschologically healthy, the ‘hated’ to learn to love themselves and move away from things that create pain. The last thing they want to see is some one who has been vilified grow into their own. its just the way life is.
My own family is a case in point. For years they played with me . . ‘allowing me in’ casting me out, making me beg . . untill i finally didnt give a shit any more. Then they started treating me more tolerently . . they had to become more tolerent or else they wouldnt have any connection with me anymore. For years i put up with this stuff because it was ‘family’ the only family i had . . .even though it made a mess out of me.
Just as i put up with Darrells emotional manipulations because ‘it was the only love I got’ . . in a sense, the only surrogate family . . . now, he knows i can and will walk away, do what Im going to do and if he is not a good companion . . . he will be alone.

Sunday
Had a p

Saturday
it’s going to rain all day!! Chatted with Carol James yesterday and it really brought me up in regards to friendship and my capacity to have relationships that are respectfull while being confidential and honest. . She is doing a give away in December and has periodically been buying a few things from us. I showed her the keychain id just finished and she was complimentatary . . .she asked that I do up a bunch of stuff for the first that she will buy up . . Darrell too. We laughed a bit about Darrell’s carrying on. She called my financing his internet bill and cable bill to keep him off the streets my contribution to world peace.
It made my day. I DO have women friends, both Native and Non Native that are nourishing and emotionally honest. Carol is someone both Darrell and I have a lot of respect for, and she has earned it after a hard life with many sorrows. She has a lot of involvement in traditional ways and healing . . and that means a lot that she values what Darrell and I have to contribute to Lummi traditions and life at its best levels. It may motivate Darrell out of his slump. A way to be part of something bigger and culturally sustaining.

Sunday
It did not rain yesterday and i had a pretty decent day at the market . . although my compatition was cleaning up with hats for 5 bucks a piece . . and she had 120 of them too. But Im content with my little slice of the pie. I do a totally different kind of stuff with natural yarns . . going to switch to winter, earflap hats now. Carol James came to the market and later we went over to Darrells with a pizza. Koch and Sara came over. it turned out to be a very good day. i guess the women over at Lincoln square had been telling Carol not to go over to Karen’s place and NOT to talk to Karen because she would get bed bugs. Carol got p.o.’d and told them i was her friend and she would do as she pleased. What happens if I find a cock roach or somthing she asked, will I be the dirty indian next? I was so gratefull for her charecter strenghth. I asked her WHY they instructed her NOT to talk to me . I can sort of understand the bug phobia hang over but why would the word be out NOT to talk to Karen, or buy her stuff, or make eye contact ?. . am i supposed to be the evil one or something. She said yeah,sort of, but did not specify in what way. Ill have to ask her.
There was no friction when Koch and Sara came over . . . I know about Sara and Darrell but cant seem to get upset over it now the way i did with Laura. iwent through so much unbelievable pain . . and now it’s like there’s just no more pain left. Sara is polite towards me, doesn’t rug anything in my face, and has a likeable personality, perhaps that’s why. I did get upset once . . back when I threw out his stuff. Yesterday we all had pizza together, Carol, Koch, Sara, Darrell and I. Old energies are being discarded and different energies are taking shape so dramatically different form the past years.
i guess Caroll was excited because after not being able to walk very far for so long she found herself, after a revealing dream, able to walk again. I do believe in powerfull mind body connection . . that emotional trauma is stored in the body. perhaps she had come to the end of a cycle of grieving . . they say that rigidity is the acumulation of fears that have not been processed.

Hump day
At Darrell’s doing laundry and on line window shopping. Wearing his underwear while my clothes dry. He is out on his daily walk for a few hours. I stayed home for a few days and worked on hats. Yesterday we met and went out to Lummi together, then some grocery shopping. We had a pleasent evening and he let me know that he was glad i was there. It is significant that he invited me to go with him to Lummi. It sends a positive message.
He is being nice to me now, telling me how gratefull he is for all that Ive done to help him out. Some times he can be so lovable. He tucked me in last night and said he still loved me . . . except when i was in a bad mood and talking crazy. You too I reminded him, except when you are in a evil mood and talking crazy. When Im gone for a while it gives him time to think and as much as he complains about me he’s used to me and misses me.
I think it has finally dawned on him that this is his home. That he is set up good now and he can choose what he wants in his life. The street bad behaviours have ebbed away and I am seeing the return of the Darrell I once knew. I thought it would never happen. He still sees his old buddies but he is not identifying himself so much with that energy. Because . . he is no longer locked out of society. Its hard to believe that in a years time Darrell has gotten first his walker,his glasses, his meds, his I>D, his social security, his Salazar payments, a room , a bank account and finally a home.
apparently they made a decision to let him stay here indefinetely at a fixed rent amount that gives him plenty of cash for things. At the age of 62 my friend finally ceased to be Darrell the street person . He didnt belong there . it wasn’t really him. He was different and for that reason some of those people didnt care if they brought him down to where they were . . just to fuck with me, through him. They resented my role . . but i was the one that protected him and boosted his art all these years.
I told him we need to get back in the card business . . . Carol James is needing stuff for her give away and cards are the perfect thing, they dont cost much to make, and the return is good.
There is nothing of much more than 0rdinary domestic life to talk about
now, and that’s good. I still struggle with depression on and off, when i see how Ive been marginalized and villianized, sidelined after all these years of support. that’s just the way it goes i guess. But it means a lot that Darrell acknowleges this and that when all is doen we are happily sitting here in underwear checking out the sheplars western wear cataloug and plotting dinner. It’s not so bad. There is adequate of sunlight making its way through the formerly inpenetrable elms .it is not so dank and dark. it feels like a home. I am gratefull for this . gratefull for the work that Linda and Andrea did to make this happen.

Thursday
what book will I open tonight? It’s been so long since I turned off the noise, the t.v., the computer games and got back to a quiet night of reading again. i feel different. Rearranged the apartment to day and it feels good to be there, cooking up eggplant parmesan and super hot wings on rice. I like being home. There’s always women in and out of Darrell’s who get more talking time by far than I, the maid, do. And i have to sleep on the floor. it’s to be expected i guess. wonder why he asks me to stay when its always so uncomfortable. I have been allowing myself to be devalued.
So many books to choose from. Im going to enjoy the next couple of days, get back to excersizing and doing yoga, playing music I like, cooking for ME . . .Mumford and Sons on the cd player, hot wings in the crock pot . . a little iced tea and a good book . . or even a rotten one . . it’s gonna be a good night at last.

Sunday
Tired tonight. Made it to the pool two days in a row. Had a quiet weekend.
Cracked open ‘ Mohammad’ by Karen Armstrong. She makes her topic very compelling. Finished up a few hats. Cooked up some eggrolls,and may faorite . . battered fish with Colcannan and vineger. Yummmmmmmers. Watching Anthony Bourdain in Jerusalem and Granada makes me want to try those wonderful recipes . . but I love my fish and colcannan with vinegar best.
Breaking bad is coming to a close. Ive seen it from the beginning and feel like I’m losing my reason for life. At times it WAS the only thing I looked forward to. The only thing I looked forward to. Thoughts on this later, after the final episode.
Iran and our president talked over the phone after what, 30 years or so??
Thoughts on that will have to wait. I just am too damn tired.
Dreamt about a big tan Tom cat the other night. It was purring and I was attached to it and wanted to take it home but then I remembered how many problems i had with my cat before in my apartment. So I let him go.

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