April 2013

2 04 2013

129a032d-24aa-421f-8d4d-3999ce796bc7 3025d1b1-2dc5-4ee2-b29b-e5ab5a43620d best one-sepia darrell fun with Darrell IMG_26521  IMG_26601 April 1 2013

.i think there has been some media shit again . . I picked up on that evil, evil, evil bull shit . . . I have more to say about that later.  it makes me angry . . Im more like a fly caught in a web than the spider.

Right now Im very worried about Mom.  She’s fallen twice and broken both arms. A couple of weeks ago she fell and busted up her face.  The doctors say she is managing her walker well enough. Well enough?? She keeps blacking out for crying out loud! She can’t keep falling like that.  Dad says a power chair is impractical in the house.  ive suggested home care, visiting angels, assisted living, even coming hom and helping out, all to no avail.  Dad insists they are doing fine and that he is ‘in charge.’  it seems deluded to me.  Like he is hiding his head in the sand. Refusing to face realities. My cousin jeanie  called them recently and told me it was my Mom who was refusing outside help. But then, that’s according to my Dad.  i tried to contact my sister kate but she is not answering communications . . .

Well, ive done what i can do.   i wish some one would try to persuade my Dad that he has to make some changes, or Mom will continue to be in pain with these falls and possibly die.

thursday 4

Kate emailed me in some detail about our folks. Reminding me to gather all facts,options etc before we get on the same page.  I called up Minnesota council on aging and they compiled a package to send out to my folks with all the information  avialable on assisted living in that area,home care options, financing, loans for special needs remodeling, places to get home care nessasities etc . . .  they are sending a package out to me too.  i think after we all have the information we can make some three way phone calls and discuss this.  We have to bring Lynn and Brian into this soon so that’s the next step. I have to admit about kate that she is very good at being pro active . . far better than me who tends to brood . thats why she got as far as she did.  Even as a teenager she solved her problems with family by engaging herself in other activities that brought her into circles of people doing positive things. that was always her strenghth. She always sought the positive . . but sometimes her insistance on surrounding herself with the positive could be un empathetic.  Because sometimes people have problems. and everything isnt always positive.

IMG_26621

Thursday. Well we had a little fun yesterday, bullshitting and having some beer. Now it’s back to business. Darrell looks so tired in the photos . . he’d been hanging  out with the boys  the day before and is easily tired out these days.  the days when he could go and camp out for a week are long gone. It’s hard to believe we could walk from up town to the west bank in Minneapolis . . in cowboy boots, then dance at one of the blues joints then walk on back . . but we often did.  I used to bike from Pillsbury and Franklin all the way to Midtown in Minneapolis a couple times a week when i frequented the irish Well in St. Paul. No . . we aren’t getting younger.  I may be healthier than Darrell,  . . but he is prettier . . . even all dishevealed. The naturalness and softness have deaprted from all pics of me these days . . .I enjoy my private life most of the time at the house, but the spirit has gone out of me in all other arenas.   We had funn talking about the good old days in murderapolis.

The stress of processing Mom’s injuries  kind of got me on a negative trajectory . . well, it was more than that . . . but i dont want to go into it.  I contacted th Minneasota council on aging and had them send all the info on resources they had to my folks and me.

Tuesday

Cooked up a big turkey this weekend.  But it hasnt helped me sleep good . . .was having a nightmare last night and Darrell woke me up  . . I must have been hollaring or whimpering or something.  I dreamt there was a bad spirit trying to get me and i was trying to exorcise it.

Been having some very strange dreams, often reflecting what Ive been watching on t.v..  A few night ago i was making up riddles in my sleep.  That must have come from the Hobbit.  OPne riddle went;  “who would think i would live to be, a life lived without boundary.” awfull sagacious . . and it rhymns too!! I woke myslef up and remembered that one.

Wednesday

payed all bills. A good feeling. I ended up footing the collect call charges from his son in prison.

sunday 4-14-13

Much to write about!!  On a number of topics.  I am feeling better now . . . I called up Linda and asked her to get a move on with getting Darrell into sunhouse and she moved him in the next day.  it feels good to state what one needs without apology and have that met. the ‘bad spirit’ has largely left.  I have been sleeping really good in my own bed. these changes are good for Darrell too.  Im proud of my7self.  i didnt pussy foot around, or spend time crying around . or allow my6self to feel exploited or abused or trapped.  . i just did it when i saw the signs of trouble and it doesnt trouble me a bit.

We did the market Saturday and got caught in a down pour that turned to snow . . i was so wet and cold, i didn’t stay long.  Bought a 9 ft heavy duty patio umbrella and a new, craft table . . .so no money to reinvest in cups which  people are asking for. I am tired now . . . Darrell and i walked over to Fred Meyer today and did some shopping.  all the tulips were popping up and the trees were a faint yellow limegreen  green dabbling of color on the mountains.  it is a delight to look out the balcony over the town. The plum trees will blossom soon, and the magnolias.  already the forsyth is budding and camelias are ready to burst.Dogwood is fragrent and my favorite . . the Hawthorn trees is already in bloom.  it is difficult to sustain any depressed or angry mood when the delight

in the return of warmth andflora is so infectious.  We are looking into a decent van that a friend of darrells will be selling soon for 500 bucks.  It’s pretty certian Ill get it.

Wednesday . . I will have to put off my responses to what i believe has been happening with media definitions of kare, the evil blogger (joke) . . . . .well, it IS a joke and even Dana admits that however disturbing my view of peoples actions in my personal life the past 17 or 18 years ,I have vastly under reported the cruelties and misrepresentations. had i truely written about the extent of what was ‘going down’ and how over the top it has been i would never have been able to work here.

On my mind right now are the bombings.  Once again I am hearing the word Karma . . . only the past few days it has become lass of a hypocritical rightous satisfaction at seeing karen ‘exposed and punished’ for all her wrongs  . . .than an extension towards the united States . the United States really has it coming ! the main stream would be shocked, as they were after 9-11  to know there are those who feel this way.    It has been a while, since 9-11 since i have heard people gloating over how the chickens are coming home to roost, happiness at seeing the United Stats get theirs . . and it is muted and cautious in its expression but I am seeing and hearing these things again . . even from Darrell.  The far left would point out the militarization of us foreign policy, the drones which bomb the shit out of people without much notice.  the right feels that the government will try to blame militia types and exploit the crises the push through it’s gun legislation . in fact, the right believes the government is actively staging false flag events to acheive this and i have to admit that the evidence supporting this is scary to contemplate.  but it is no longer just ‘extremests’ that are questioning the official story on these events . . there has been a spike of anger recently . . .  I never like to see bombings. Certianly not innocent runners.

Thursday

Waiting for the sun to come up.  The past couple of days have been nice and Darrell and I have spent time outside, enjoying the park. No fighting.  Al my pain goes away when i see his face brighten up as i come down to see him inthe park.  It means the world to see that there is still some love there.  let others debate who hurt who . . . .in reality, things are much gentler most of the time.  I brought down some fish and chips the other day and boy did the lost boys of the park gobble it up.  Some of those guys are all right, some have mentle problems, some are missing a few peices, some are cunning and anti social and some are down on their luck, some are addicts and intend to stay that way, and some are rotten, evil.  i dont mind feeding the lost ones.  it was nice to simply sit under the hawthorn trees , get out of my thoughts and the inbred people of Lincoln square which has been bringing me down with out my realizing it . . and just enjoy the afternoon.  Today I must swim and then finish up some jewelry.

There was a march in Seattle yesterday protesting the drones . . a woman there who looked to be in her 90’s said that she had lived in Nazi Germany and she was seeing the same thing creeping into our society, that’s why she was out protesting.

gun legislation voted down yesterday which was disgusting.  Most people in the United States want to see tighter restrictions on who can have fire arms , more extensive background checks.

Now there is another explosion down in Texas at a fertilizer plant and it’s getting non stop coverage.  this is being called an accident, while the explosion in boston is being called an act of terrorism.

Friday

Bob Davis of MN sucks.

new changes in the boston bombings.  Two perpetrators now emerge with possible ties of Al Queda.  This will bring renewed examination of what is going on with all the drones in Afghanistan.  And what’s going on with AlQueda.  Aren’t they our allies now in Syria  or something??

My speculations of  possible false flag now at rest, they were pretty mild to begin with in comparison to Sandy Hook.

Sunday

I have Darrell stashed in a motel. He got a windfall on Friday.Half gone already. I opened up a seperate account and had him put 3/4 of it in the account.  He’s already started drinking andwe were bickering over this which got me frustrated.  Especially because the night before Id  brought oversome stuff for him and he was mad because i brought the wrong jeans and told me to just go home.  I was trying to do a good thing with the money because i knew he’s get ripped off or end up spending it all on booze with the hobos, which he kinda did . . but only about 200 bucks.  I went down to the park Friday night to bring him in but his friends started giving me grief cause i called them on their cell phones to try to find Darrell.  I ended up storming off . . once again the hated bitch . so Darrell spent the night out their.  I did the market on Saturday and it was a dissapointment. I reieved compliments on my new hats but few people stopped for either my stuff or Darrell’s after all the prep.  After the market it started to pour.  I went down to the park and fished Darrell into a cab over to a motel.  He was exhausted and promptly fell asleep muttering “Money. Money. Money.’  Now he is up,drinking beer on a toot and ripped.  I dont really like to be around him when he’s ripped.

I have to admit . . I have still a lot of suspicions about the boston marathon official story.  So many people report that the brothers were outgoing, generous, nice people.  Yet the media hastened to charecterize them as losers, isolated, loners, haters.  It almost seemed like a desperation act . . .

There’s plenty of things on videos circulating right now that are suspicious.  And things that don’t add up such as why if these brothers had grenades to throw at the shoot out in watertown . . did the construct home made bombs with pressure cookers??  Alternative media has made the world a different place . . people now are quick to check out alternative sources , as things unfold, it really seems to put the mainstream media in the hot seat.

Tuesday 23rd

Got Darrell safely back to the sun house.   Fished him in Sunday night and let him taper off. He was able to meet his deadline and return on time.   It hasnt been a happy couple of weeks for me.Since Darrell moved into the sunhouse he hasn’t had much time for me . . . he shood me off the last time i brought some stuff over, which made me cry . . .he doesnt want to spend sober time with me it seems.   when his money came in i tried to protect it for him by opening up a seperate account and banking it.  he was loaded and fighting it while we were at the bank, but i knew he’d get ripped off if he didnt bank some of it.   i was getting frustrated with the energy between us . . . I just hung my head and said” seem’s like we can’t do anything together any more.” awent home and cried.  later i went looking for him planning on bringing him in ,which is an ordeal because there is a tresspass order here against him.  But he cant go back to the Sun house if he’s been drinking so i had little choice.  Things onfolded badly . . the guys out there were all over me, Bill Cooper was calling me names for calling him up to send a message to Darrell, which I do infrequently, once every 6 months or so.  It was my damn birthday and I hadnt even gotten a happy birthday from Darrell.  I lost my temper and stormed off .then the hate started up jeez, you have to put up with THAT, WHAT A BITCH! . this drinking binge was taking up a lot of my time and energy and i was trying to keep it from getting to the point where i had huge problems or Darrell lost his housing.  finally i went home, did the market the next day and later, when it began to rain i went looking for Darrell who was a mess by that time.  i called a cab and stashed him in a motel.  Now through out all this i was experiencing a backlash of hate and malicious energy . . it’s been going on for \about a month now on a lot of different levels.  to make a long story short Ive been demonized in a big way.  Id run into Carol James in the lobby and she was just shaking with malicous laughter that kept bubbling out , she was talking about Karma . . how every one felt sorry for the Boston marathon runners but look what they did to us indians.  She was really high on rejoicing.  so were others i ran into , just evil energy all around, karma, karma, karma . . . . I noticed around town that all the girls were curling their lips and sneering at me and the young guys were spitting . . . that tells me there was some kind of media thing, or coordinated attack going on . . . me, who has been a support for Darrell for years . . . always the evil one.  I sensed it in the park too . . guys giving Darrell the victory sign . . for telling it as it is, standing up . . . so much hate.  This is something that has become cemented now and ive given up defending myself.  it never stops hurting . . especially when ive spent a great deal of time and effort making up cards and things for Darrell to sell . . .yes, I have a temper when i feel put apon too much . . most people do.  suddenly it’s the public that is being victimized by me . . WE have had enough of your . . whatever.  Im just supposed to accept this derogatory role that gets promoted as ‘truth’  . .Darrell  even told me, just quit fighting, relax on s.s.a and just be the ‘despised woman’.

of course, Darrell was calling everyone up in the motel room and telling them i treated him like shit, i had no respect etc . . . . but while we were in the hotel room he had an asthma/anxiety attack and i heard such a howl of pain and despiar(PTSD episode, i recognize them now) that goes back to the night annie leonard tresspassed him around Christmass, a savage act of cruelty he never recovered from. so i helped him through it.   Ive always maintained that that act raumatized him so much he was never quite the same . . .and over the years i went out of my way to protect him because I knew this.  It was  people here in Bellingham that did that to Darrell . . not I, who wasnt even there that night . . . because we were doing things our own way and suceeding . . . Karen must never be seen as a person with reserves of inner strength . . no, only as some one to be ‘shunned’ someone unacceptable . . . me, who has been monogamous for about 17 years now.  It IS a madness . . and an engineered madness.

Once again i found myself in that motel room thinking of our history here . . the many,,many nights i brought Darrell to motel rooms when he was wasted on the streets, trying to preserve the artist, the best in him from destrctive energies.  No, Im not a perfect person.  Im spacey , i drink too much, I have a temper . . . that doesn’t make me evil.  Im not an extremist.  Im not a right winger,or a nazi, not driven by hate or any of the things the mainstrem uses to isolate someone they wish to destroy.  Ive commited no crimes . . .unlike most of the people in power in this country.

had Darrell remained in the park, in the rain, drunk and sorrowfull and angry I would have been blamed, he never would have been able to get back into the sun house and that means he never would have been able to get the community housing lined up for him.

I see the old cycle returning . . which is hopeless. Hopeless.  I am talking with kathy next week about going into in patient treatment.  This will take me out of this picture for about a month . . Darrell will have to be resonsible for himself.  It isnt fair that i sould be required to dedicate so much of my life towards indians who seem to hate me so much, can see no good.  All that laughing and laughing at the idea of some evil befalling me.

I deserve to either have some peace in my life, lived single, or have partner who can add something to my life.

Wednesday

Im supposed to go out tonight with the girls for regea night at the wild buffallo. Not feeling to great however.  yesterday was another rough day.  i went over to the sun house and Darrell and i began some shopping . . first beads and then looking for the i pad he had his heart set on.  he started getting pretty agitated and ill ,still in withdrawl and so he bought a little vodka  . . and then that mad at the worl;d, mad at karen energy came out before we even got there.  it was a beautifull day . . . the most beautifull in a long, long time . . .all the plum trees blossoming and the green splashing forth . Warm and Sunny . . .what started out good turned into utter frustration by the end and even though we got the i pad, Darrell went out drinking again and did not make it back to the sun House. I had to fish him again . . so we are back to square one and I hate it.   I was angry at the expense of time and effort and the thought of being forced to choose between seeing everything go to shit if I set boundaries and left him to reap the consequences of his choices ,probably dying on the streets. . or picking up the burden and letting him use my place as a crash pad, while abusing me all the time.  there is no question that things have deteriorated very badly very quickly . . . and i hate being dragged into the dark night of the soul,and having to interact with the hobo energy . . .I have to wait untill Monday to talk to kathy about in patient.  Im just starting the market and its a shame i have to do that NOW . . .but it really looks like the establishment has made a effort to knock me out of the game, and the idle no more people too as well . . . and that is influencing my sucess at  living through our creativity, professionally.  this is simply unendurable.  But the apartment is bugged, even Darrell knows that . . so

I feel that this i pad is going to turn out to be the worst decision in the world.  he will only lose it or break it and certianly he wont keep up with the monthly payments so i will be stuck with a deliquent account.  fortunetly its a seperate bank account so Ill still have one.  Perhaps we can just bring it back before the 14 days are up.  It’s a nice little toy however, but all toys loose their fastination after a few days or so.

Friday.  Working on key chains for the market.

Well . . i once thought of info wars that it was an alternative media source that often did daring investigations, asking questions where no one else did . . Alex Jones was one of the first to hound out the 9-11 deception . . . but ,like many, I have a problem with his personality and the personalities of many of his hatefull infowars followers.  Some of the comments his followers leave are shockingly mysoginistic, and hate full.  .  Some are intelligent and thoughtfull.  ive said before you have to sift out what’s valuable from the rest.  The latest controversy over Racheal Maddow reminds me of this just when i was beginning to admire his reporting on false flag operations.  If there is any one who has a beef with Racheal Maddow it is I, yet they way they attack her does much to discredit them.  I realize that there are trolls who plant bigoted responses in an attempt to discredit this web site .  But alex Jones himself was so crazy in his response to Racheal maddow’s attack on him . . . it made the stuff i had to say about her  positively civilized and polite.  I agree that Racheal Maddow  presents opinions as facts and uses them cavilierly to attack those she wishes to destroy. she certinaly did with me.  I have thought she should have been fired at  the least a long time ago for this . . if not having a lawsuit brought against her..  She is knowingly dishonest to an extreme .i think she has pschopathic tendencies as well. . but she is not scum, or trash,and i dont understand the crap about her homosexuality. so what.  It is her deceit i have a huge problem with not her sexual orientation.

I remember when i was watching her show back in 2007 or 2008 ,which i liked, and some journalist  said to her, on the air, regarding ME, that it was the worst smear campaign in american history.  her reply, so flip and  pschopathic was ” We did it because we could.” so smug . . and an admission of responsiblity as far as i was concerned.  I wrote about that in my blog . . .my conclusions were that the left had waged a smear and that it’s source was AIR America back when Frankin and Maddow and Ed shultz were a part of that.  all the phrases of that time period acknowlege concious planning ( and bragging) . “We are all coming together to bring you down” . . “How far can we take it? we can take it as far as we want” “We are trying to kill IT” and so on.  I began to put two and two together and came to the conclusion that it was very wrapped up with the Obama campaign and probably the brain child of George Soros. Moreover i believed it had to do with the politics of Washington State and Minnesota . . especially when Al Frankin ran for Senator of Mn and got on the sub commitee of Indian affairs . . .this indicated to me that there had been some sweet deal making going on.   when i voiced this she decided to pull out all the stops  and analysised my charecter on the air . . to the world at large.  One of th4 things she said was that “there was No love story.” it had to do with shame.   Now she was listening in on converstions between Darrell and i all the time, as were others in the media and entertainment business.  I know this because sometimes i would say things just to see if they wer listening in and sure enough comments would pass between her and John Stwert or some one about these private communications between myself and people in my life . Darrell was in south dakota and i was here in Bellingham . . . hardly a day went by when there was not a heartsick  phone call between us that ended in “I love you.”  I was working hard and sending things out to Darrell out of every check, just beginning tobuild up a vending business.  This woman did not know me , yet suddenly she was an authority on ‘the truth’ about karen.and even Darrell pointed that out . . but she did terrible pschological damage, as she intended too.  In fact she did this more than once although I didnt see the one broadcast she did a few years ago . . but i know most  people thought it was unjust.

If Racheal maddow is upset that people would even dare to believe that governments could bomb their own people . . that’s because she had so much invested in the ‘Tim Mc Veigh tapes” thing . . . and gun controll. And the recent revelations about O.K city not only cast a shadow on the democratic party but her own credibility as well.

Sunday

Very, very depressed right now.   Still getting a lot of negative . . comments about how disqusting i am, how i cant face the truth,  how no one listens to what i say any more for i have nocredibility and I have been ‘exposed’.  I am being called all kinds of things that indicate dislike.  this morning darrell told me he was sick of my negativity . . . he insists  doesnt try to hurt anyone, he just walks around town being himself and no body gives him any trouble.  the thing is . . people are giving ME trouble.and they have been for a long time.   Im not trash . . . ive kept my own place and roof over my head for over ten years here no matter what went down . . . and i was a hard working woman untill recently.  I looked after Darrel for how many years?????  There is much i am going to have to write out again, although i didnt want to . . about what really went down in Madison and things . . . .but to make a long story short I saw my charecter change over the years out here from energetic and optomistic  to despairing and defeatist in the extreme.  Darrell and I were once a very tight couple out here . . .it distressed me to hear people like Rachal maddow exclaim to the world that “Karen was full of hate and so she got vicious hate in return” when that was not the case . . .

Darrell and strove to live well,not in money but in lifestyle, we were always out at Nooksack, Lummi, La Conner, Seattle,  and i tried to introduce him and his artwork to this state in a big way,We drove all over hell,especially the mountains.  A series of family trajeties brought him back to the Midwest and sometimes i would drink when he was gone . . but initially not when he returned.  there was a lot of love between us . Around 2003 he came back from Minneapolis and said something like “There is something inMinneapolis that is coming out here to confront you.”  and something darker entered the picture at that point.  I hadn’t shared any writting but i had been keeping a journal on my home computer,which i knew was being hacked into. It was when some of that began to leak that everything changed.  Not long after this, around Christmas, Darrell was tresspassedby annie leonard . . the very first time he drank in Bellingham, and it trumatized us both..Annie was laughing at me when she told me what she had done, brought us down out of what i think was envy because, to qoute her ” your going to hear some things around here your not going to like.” we had been put in our place , Darrell on the streets instead of doing his large wood burnings . . no one ever got down on annie for this.  Its as if his personality shattered and stayed that way creating a lot of difficulties for me..  he remained on the streets, full of rage for a long time that winter.  I did my best to help him . even though iwas working long hours and usually exhausted.  iut was during this time that

he began to blame me, and accuse me of putting him on the streets to entertain other guys .  Non of this was true but people in Bellingham reacted to it in a big way.  he began to tell his family this . . and having never met me they believed it.  I felt very betrayed . . felt there was some deliberation in this . . and even though we remained close and i stuck by him there was a layer of anger and resentment that crept in . . a feeling that he had poisoned my life here with that stuff . . the same kind of stuff that had caused so many problems in Minneapolis and made me homeless and then put me on the road to Washington, then oregon and then madison . . . I becam aware of a ‘smear’ that seemed to come from Minneapolis.  It seemed to be being carried out at the street level . . also echoed by MSNBC .which further activated a hate campaign among the young, hip left leaning kids not just here, but through out the nation.  Apparently I didnt deserve to live because i wasnt among the best and the brightest and there for worthy of their attacks.   i called them the Jon Stwert private army and it seemed to be they were being groomed in cruelty and ridicule . . given a green light, 3rd reich style.  There were many comercials  with hidden messages that were chilling intheir nastiness.  if any one thinks all this wouldn’t affect their spirit they are wrong.  its pschological warefare . . and some have called it tourture.  Given enough it can create, through retraumatization something like a manchurian canidate . . some one who can be predictably controlled by inducing

pain.  i cant be expected to like this.  If this is ‘being driven by hate’ . . .would they have me learn to love this ??  There would be something amiss in me if i did.

I am a very different person today than i was when i came out here . . .I shouldered alot in the early years out here in Bellingham .  But as Darrells street life continued over the years and took precidence over what used to be a relationship I became meaner and sometimes uglier.  After a two year seperation during which he was filled with jealous accusations . .he returned and made no bones about using my place as a mere crash pad for his real life on the streets.  I tried to ressurect our relationship by building up his on line business pages, promoting his art, putting my energy into vending and in general trying to create positive energy instead of crying around in my journals so much. To some extent this was sucessfull, especially last year.  Then thing fell apart . people blame me for  attacking Darrell when we were drinking together . Now he has housing of his own in the works and i feel like this past 9 months or so has been an attempt to finish me off in some way.  I see it all come apart.  And what i feel is despair, all the time,especially lately.  Im not going to take on the accusations of antisemitism right now but I ought to . . however, there are enough people who can discern what was really going on. Recently the attacks came because others, not I, were discussing how ‘over the top’  they had been to me . . so the trick is to elicite some response, subconciously from Karen and wait for it to fester then bammm the cycle of tit for tat begins.  it is brutal and its ment to be.  And this usually happens when I am suceeding at my goals and making friends and so on.

So yes, i am very depressed right now to be cast once again as some one so far out, so crazy that they need to be shunned, to see the breakdown of connections.  i realize that I have problems with friendships theese ( I will come back later have to go)

Sunday Evening.

The final episode of the Vikings. I swear I live for that show.  Tomarrow I visit  Kathy and I dont know how quickly things will move after that. They could move immediately. I am so looking forward to this.  Looking forward to a time apart when i can persue my own personal and spiritual growth, surrounded by people there to do the same . . everyone, and I mean everyone for the longest time has been bringing me down , sadness and depression have become a way of life and it never lets up . . only briefly while D was in south dakota and i was out shooting. . the only things bringing me satisfaction are my gardens of time  and a couple of t.v. shows these days.  I dont know where Kathy will send me . . i hope it is Olala. But  I dont want to get my hopes too high . .I might end up dealing with the same assholes i want not to hang out with here in Bellingham, not kindly housewives and interesting professionals.    After a few weeks I may see things very differently.  I know i have to break it off with Darrell completely and i cant do that here in Bellingham and have any kind of new life, its too small . . and thats a huge part of whats making me so depressed . . . I finally have my apartment fixed up comfy with a nice couch and easy chair, my craft supplies, a guarateed income to cover bills and i hate to throw that away and move to some sober  house with a bunch of teenagers with emotional problems or something.  but obviously there is something that is causing me to remain in obsessive compulsive drinking patterns that are not good and its doing me a lot of social and personal damge so I have to make that my first priority.  its not like i do this all the time . . . but no genuine spirituality will return to me if i allow my life to be a place where Darrell and I can ‘get away ‘ with behaviors that would cost us outside the apartment.  I need to face the fact now that I am deeply allienated from Darrell and his family and friends right now , and very lonely.  I feel like the friendships i have developed have burned me.Even here at Lincoln square where gossip, backbiting and ganging up on people is a way of life . . . . its better to be away. Its not good when you feel like every single person in your life depresses you, and life is sooooooooo joyless and sooooooo hopeless and you find yourself only thinking of the pain and injustice.

I cooked up the beef i aqquired today. a lady we met at assumption( the simpsons) church had found some resturant siz beef roasts in the cash and carry dumpster.  she had watched as they discarded them and quickly retrieved them, a little outdated but otherwise fine.  i was given one of these huge roasts. so i can’t say that EVERYONE brings me down . . . we had a nice meal at assumption church, put on by good people . . i just have to remember how to give love, really love again . . it’s missing, or incomplete, blocked for some reason in its expression . . .yet, when i heard Buddy Redbone sing ‘Indian love song’ yesterday the tears just wouldn’t stop, the capacity is still there.   I remember darrell singing that to me not so very long ago . . . .what is wrong with me?? with us?  No wonder the light has gone out . . . I bore him now because, im not really alive anymore.  Not like i once was.  I bore myself too.

Well the progressives are evil and people are on to it,  their “Karma’ is just beginning . . .Im using karma the way its popularly understood out here . . pay back . . not the way it should be understood.  Racheal Maddow is really getting roughed up and I bet its a shock to find out what people , most people really think when they are unfettered by fear of breaking the code of political correctness.

(later) Talked to Kathy . learned a lot.For example, that linda wants to seperate darrell and I because she thinks i am ‘dangerous.”. it was a lengthy interview and accessment.  She’s going to find out what my mentle health accessment was . . and get back to me.  This will determine what i can get into.  Olala is probably ruled out . . there’s a huge waiting list for that at any rate.  She suggested a 60 month lock down place that offers psychiatric counseling and treatment but i hate to have that on my paper trail. It sounds like it could be hell and then what?? Besides, Im not committed by the courts.  Darrell say a strong person is beware of all that ( one flew over the cukoo nest) .  At the end of our interview kathy was thinking differently . . .maybe a women’s program.  of course Darrell is really kicking up his heels at this idea and tells me if i really wanted to quit i could . . . he is thinking of his own area of controll but i know what Im doing.  he is O.K. if he wants to be, he has a place and he has permanent housing in the works.  he met with an advocate just today.  I can’t wait to see him get his own place.  A real place.  he didnt put me on the list of people who could stay there . . so i am being selfish now with the inpatient idea.  if he really cared for me he would support this not fight it.

I gave most of the beef to Carol, who lost a family member last night.  that means they will have a feed.  ive got enough.  Things are back to a better energy now. Yvonne too sent a positive message.  maybe those medicine  people worked after all.

 

April 2  its been another couple of rough days.  Darrell went out on his pass and hooked up with micheal and brought him over to my place to stay.  They were drinking a lot of 2-11 and that stuff makes Darrell crazy and he turned on me . . and Micheal.  He started in on how he knows there’s some black guy sneaking around .  He gets so loud and vile.  . and then, in front of Micheal he gets violent and corners me in the bathroom over this . . . now this is exactly what caused a no contact order and jail time for Darrell about 4 or 5 years ago . . and before that,what caused me to loose my housing in Minneapolis. and IM THE DANGEROUS ONE??   I could get killed in that bathroom with all those sharp edges . . this is what hospitality gets me.  it will be the last time he ever comes over.   This time i’ve  had enough  . . ive suffered enough over this bullshit and all the insane energy it created.  Micheal had made up some good soup and kaboo boo bread but he while they were drinking that 2-11 he was slow cooking everything and Darrell, a diabetic hadnt eaten all day . . . I tried to tell this to micheal but these guys were doing this bonding thing “You don’t understand our ways” that shut me out and so Darrell got crazy and on the attack as a result . . even against Micheal.  i decided never again.  yesterday early, Darrell took off and went down to the park and started in . . i went and took the I pad back.  I wasnt able to convince Darrell to put the account in his name and I knew id get stuck with all the unpaid bills.  They put money on the bank card but it hasnt loaded yet.  of course Darrell was suspicious that id ripped him off, as were his Kolas . . yep, Im the one who took ALL HIS MONEY.  I walked him through town and back to the Sunhouse because he was a mess and finally got him in in time to save his housing. How many days now caught up in this babysitting and stuff??   i stayed with him untill he was well asleep.  He knows that its soon going to be over . . but for now Im sticking with him and babysitting his ‘drinking at’ me because of the community housing.  and it came through.  There was a note on his desk telling him to call, the housing had come in.  This is a good thing . . . now, if he needs to drink he can stay indoors in his own place and have his friends come over to see him.

I am not feeling so sad now at the thought of seperating completely . . its been happening for a while, since he went to South Dakota . actually before that.  Since linda moved him into the sunhouse this fall.  I dont accept this backlash . . its not Karma . . sooner or later they are going to have to look at this stuff for what it was . . . .this sadness i was feeling for soooo long is what was making me act out, I think all that will disapear now without any ‘treatment’.

Darrell has lost his back pack with all his I.D and bank cards and d.s.h.s.  . . . perhaps its ‘ karma’ . Im not going to be a target for rage any more.  he can take his rage and shove it as can a whole bunch of other people . . that is THEIR  PROBLEM.

 

 

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