February 2013 journal

3 02 2013

75982_10200185317335419_804688816_n69205_10200587405587374_660090383_n

Darrelll home now!!

Thursday

Ive placed the gunslingers and saloons in darrell’s garden, critters too, and removed the palaces and such i was upgrading for a bit to get points.  His garden looks nice now.  Im really depressed about the recent ‘upgrades’ to photobucket and my space . . where i stashed much of the journaling and photographs . . now in accessible. kayaker on the bay 1-20-13 I really like old photobucket . . I used it to edit all those pics there  . . . it had a choice of attractive backgrounds . . new colors and background on new photobucket suck.  i can’t find a vignette tool.  And i hate the choice of frames and text.  This isnt upgrading!  This is downgrading.  Not only are all the gallery sites i built last year all fucked up but all the links have to be changed too . . and stampers etc . . . I feel like everything i did to share my story through pic and word had been destroyed.

some one, or some people want to be the only  ones to define me via the media and dont want anything out there that contradicts this story reaching the people.  Nothing that might show me as as active, intellegent . . . Nope, I must be the ‘crazy’ one now . . soon the money will be gone, because in a riot of nonthinking generousity i had to TELL the people closest to me that i got  a little payout and send a little their way . Now Darrell, lickedty split  is back to collect the rest . . .and my dreams of finally . . . finally . . . an peacefull, private life on my own terms in my own apartment  is gone in an instant . . I am again supporting  THEM.  Even my facebook pages are filled with causes that I automatically share . . and that’s OK . . .but its taken over to the point that my own spirit does not shine through. I do much of this myself.  I dont post much of what i think I am thinking or feeling or going threw privately on facebook. its not the format.  But photographs speak volumes. and they dont lie.   The world will not know how I had no phone calls, no help from Darrell while i had nothing, and he partied away all his cobell moneys as did everyone in his world untill he found a new stash in Karen’s world.  And i know it.  I have no illusions  despite my compliance.  i feel like there is no hope . . a crucial moment hung in the balence the day that money came in . . i could have kept silent, seen it as my ticket to a better life and packed it up . . it was my ticket out .A ray of hope after a winter of despair, after months of uncertinty and defeat . My one chanch if i was smart. And i blew it. I was not smart.   I was back in the traces before i knew it.   No one will see the efforts I made to keep myself from despair, regrets and painfull feelings this christmas season by my gardens of time adventures . . .(how silly! how stupid)  and it was clever the way i went about it.  Dana shot that down, as did facebook.  No . . they will see my facebook pages plastered with support for the noble causes . . . .not the way the ‘cobell’ chapter really played out.  it was not impressive what i saw going on in South Dakota. it was nothing noble. Nor was my use of my time and government payouts much  better.  I spent too much fixing up my apartment when i should have got a ticket and left it. I will never have a nice apartment to myself.  Ever.

I feel as if my own aesthetic has been wiped out almost as soon as it began to show itself.  And any record of my own charecter except as defined by Hollywood. THEY  get to be the activists! Or only the people they approve of.  I know.  I know.  for the good of the many. Wasnt all the work i did for Darrell for the good of the many?  Couldnt I be a part of the good of the many and get a little credit,or even no credit, just as is  instead of being so demonized, cut down and forced to use my own space, my body,my time, my life  to support people  who just want to carry on untill they’ve used it up??  Couldn’t i just do something ‘for the good of the many through artistic support rather subjegation  and  slavery?? Isnt that what this was really about?  Like i said . . nothing noble at all.

There is a dark side to  Native Independant film i think. finally figured out that that’s where most of the hate comes from . . what the problem is.  dont know how it could have been different  once we went on the road in 98 . . . what I had to say made a lot people look really bad . . just when the independent film was taking off. I should have thought about that when i came to Bellingham . . but i just didnt know.  i should have.  i dont think it would would have made any difference what i said . . did they think i would never, ever, ever talk about my experiences?? that i had an obligation to keep silent and in their pocket??

If they wanted my silence all they needed to do was leave me alone . . . instead of sending darrel out to on a mission that was bound to bring on the public attention and discourse.  they could have just left me alone.  i wasnt bothering anyone when i came out here.

Friday

Not so troubled by wee hour despairs today. We went out early for breakfast and Wall mart shopping . . I rarely shop at Wallmark if i can help it, because of well know practices but sometimes . . . .its hard to resist the lure of cheap underwear and basic tees and sweats in big sizes. if other stores had inexpensive clothes in bigger sizes that reflected the increasing obesity of Americans i bet a lot less people would shop Wall mart. Darrell got shoes.  now we have parted ways for a while . . . people need their time apart or they get a bit crazy.  Not so despairing in my outlook today. Nor do i really give a shit about how anyone spends their windfall.  perhaps the strain was getting to me.

We ran into Dana at D.S H.S.  i think I miss her more than she misses me, and am still upset with the loss.  Oh she was busy befriending another person who needed guidance through the system . . . bering kind and compassionett and informational, Darrrel was sitting outside.  She didnt speak to either one of us. Darrell said he was talking to some guy and Dana came up and started talking to his friend without even acknowlaging Darrell. Not even a Hi darrell, I see your back in town. Odd i think.

Good to have the house to myself for the rest of the day.

Saturday

Darrell came in through the front door and caught the eye of at least two people last night . . .I fear trouble may soon follow

all the street people were glad to see their hero . . . who gets away with anything.  Their champion!!  I shared with Dana some troubling stuff about this world . . . now i wonder, would she do to Darrell what she did to DeMarcus? Darrell is so much smarter than Demarcus and she knows it.  Darrell says a broken windsheild via the streets is nothing compared to what the street people would do to her if she made trouble for him . . . Dana,  . . now holds a lot of secrets.   She has the info to break this indimadation of evil . . if she wanted to and probably force an investagation that i cant ,but i doubt she will, because she doesn really like the people here, but then, i doubt the almighty street people can rule as much as they think.

Oh oh Im talking mean . . . .it comes out when i feel trapped, betrayed or defeated.   broke down and joined Darrell in a binge and then the mean thinking starts to happen. mean, mean karen. I worked my tail off last week putting the house in order and shopping for nessesities.  Got some new clothes for myself and that really brought me up.  I dont want to continue this though . . . its O>K. to not give a shit for a couple of days but Not as a  usual pattern . . i dont want that any more . . I have a plan.  But It will have to wait for a little bit . . i want to take advantage of my ymca membership and get trimmed up, then get my head straight and im all set. Darrell confessed to me while we were drinking beer that the plan in 98 was Dallass’s idea . . not his.  But he DID go along with it . . he’s not innocent.  But I know how troubled he was during that journey, sometimes trying to protect me . . he wastortured on the inside and I think it broke something in him . . that’s why I try to forgive and make it up to him.

Monday 11

Well i guess there has been some discussion that followed Darrell’s return to Bellingham and perhaps the outcry of my journalling. I suspect too that Dana’s analysis is not in my favor . . she was so supportive untill that phone call, had many good things to say about me untill . . she discovered’how i treat people’.  Now we are back to the awfull truth . . . and all the contempt that follows.  Supposedly i just couldn’t take it . . . .and i know that the native believe i did something really bad that Im just not facing up to, just not admittingthat brought all this down over the years.    Ive been faithfull to Darrell since 1997 . . and thats the truth and ive taken a lot of punishment since then. They made sure to send that message around the world.   Im  sensing the usual stuff about how that w0man deserved revenge, how that woman doesn’t deserve to live . . the awfullness of this will NEVER end.  Never be cleared up. I just need to face the fact that we all felt that way about you . . . . it was the worst collective hate crime in american history i think.  Dad is not speaking to me hardly at all since i let darrell back into my life.  Darrell didnt ask . . he just announced  .

So now what do i do.  Put that plan in action.  But that stuff will follow me . . . its not like the problem is totally Darrell.  its better with Darrell around because there’s some hummanity in my private life . . just no respect.

(later) got in my swim and am off to do up some prints and cards.  Darrell has his happy face on.  My gosh . . why am i reacting with such negativity all of a sudden . . .after all, I sent Darrell money and opened the door of my own free will . . .no one forced that on me.  Moping around when he looked like he was gone for good, and now all of a sudden, moping around again.  he’s back because he missed me.  Doesn’t matter what he may have cryed around about when he was home.  Well the thing is to forget about all that other crap in the past . . the important thing is to behave in a way that respects oneself, do things that you feel proud of no matter what any one says, and love people flaws and all. And try try try to think before you write in ignorance.

February 14539380_10200738503044716_316780568_n163319_10200738502564704_1021539433_n

Getting things ready for the market bit by bit. Vista print didnt include the labels and stickers i ordered and that would have given our products a professional touch.  As is I have to stamp every little tag.  Holy shit money goes fast . . went to the bead store and didnt even get very much jewelry making stuff and i almost  crapped my drawers when they rang it up . . most people who do jewelry get supplies in bulk from places like Matoska trading company, or it just doesnt pay.

This is not a very economical period . . Im sticking a lot of dough into making a nice presentation.  Got some tee shirts and mugs ready . 307968_10200737075649032_1856238879_n. lp.aspx

almost. some cards . . almost . . just needs to be stamped on the back of each card.  price tags to be attached on hats and tommarrow Ill work on some more jewelry . . Yose gave me some very nice beads in return for wolf fur and i could make some nice stuff with it for very little effort.  That’s the way to go . . . .the stuff we do is soooooo labor intensive. red, ornge and yellow keychain in 13 beads But then . . we have all the time in the world.  I may6 have accidentally bought two ponchos from Ebay . . bidded on two expecting nothing and now they are mine   and i hope i dont have to pay for them both . . very nice however.  I  never get myself anything classy like that . . it’s what Id like.  Ive been swimming a lot now and really cut down on the instant gratification spending and boozing. I so wish I could undo that phone callwith Dana . . Im feeling guilty, even though i know i was not at fault.  I was at fault  for choosing to spend on dumb stuff instead of planning . . her advice was good advice.  She was just a little too insistant that i act on it imediately . . . it’s not the end of the world.  Most of the shit i bought needed to be gotten, towels,rugs, pet supplies,new clothes and now the big investment in the home business . . . I should have stuck a big chunk of that money into cups . . but i can still do that depending on how fast they sell.

have had some strange dreams but Ill save that for later.  thoughts too on the ex policeman who went on the vendetta against Lapd and ended in flames.  also state of the Union address

16th

A good day.  Did the market.  1024        541460_10200676695019554_1201145093_n                                         met a really neat woman . . a native artist who does absolutely awesome paintings. She wanted me to call her.  Nice to get out socially again. Jo Ella, ivans girlfriend was there too selling hats . . only 5 bucks a piece and cleaning up. competition to be sure,  i got lots of compliments however.   Saw a mature bald eagle while i was there.  i had been thinking earlier in the morning that i never see eagles any more . . . then, right above me . . . a big one too… Jo Ella was appalled by the story i had to tell her about what has been going on with me and the people i was closest too the past 5 months or so.   neither Darrell or i have been drinking this week.  Im happy to see the way he is keeping his eye on the ball and following through with his apointments to get independent. he has been in good temper with me too.

17th  a stay at home day. much cleaning to be done.

22  Just starting to recover from the flu.  We both had it.  Darrell came down with it about a day and a half before i did.  i came down with it worse but i have recovered faster despite yesterdays misery.  Darrell always keeps the t.v. on all night in the bedroom, and i don’t like it so i try to put in ear plugs . . .he smokes too, which bothers me, and he’s a big guy and hogs the bed . . .I feel squashed into a corner with no space and the stress really messes with me . . . also, he doesnt do anything for me when Im sick .  Last year i had a serious kidney infection and a high fever of 104 and he didnt do nothing . . i had to take myself to the hospital.  Same thing this time.  when i asked for an extra blanket he went into a rage and yelled at me to get it myself.  complaining about his symptoms and asking me to run to the store for medicine when i couldn’t.  I put my foot down and kicked him into the livingroom for a while. Im going to have to get a bigger couch.  Us trying to sleep together in the same bed just doesnt work. Today Im going to insist that he watch t.v. in the livingroom after I go to bed.  If not, he just has to go.  Im trying to give him some time to get back into Sun house . . and he’s on the list. But he has to be considerate.  How could I have been so stupid as to get back into a relationship i no longer want to be in. If I had been meaner to him, more final, when he was in South Dakota he would have gone to Minneapolis or perhaps stayed on and gotten a house.  He goes back and gets every one to give him advice about’that woman’ and then after all that poisen he comes back . . .then all all that poisen gets established as ‘the truth’. I just need to wait, keep my cool and hope that the sun house comes through fast . . . kicking him out will create a big problem.61765_10200723106539813_570227625_n

(later) don’t know if i can wait that long.  Despite all the money ive poured into trying to make him happy . . all he fucking does is yell at me and complain.  We are back to the serious demestic violence problem of him going into a rage when he goes into the kitchen about some percieved lapse of cleaning or cooking.  I am so upset . . . feeling so unhappy and trapped and angry that i have to put up with this shit.  perhaps if i just got him a ticket and showed him the door.  it’s raining out . . this town would tear me to peices if i asked him to leave.  hell be crying around about how i kicked him out again . . byut this time its no game.  Ive had enough.

Feb 23

I bought some pot.  Tension solved. Man, you throw two recovering addicts together in the same room, with the flu for a few days and you got problems. I got up yesterday and went out to the quilting store to buy some fabric and brick brack to extend the lenghth of some pants and worked on sewing a bit yesterday.

They were trying to talk me into buying a new sewing machine and both Darrell and i think that would be a good idea . . except that i can get one so much cheaper if i go through craig’s list. Then again, you never know what kind of problems a used sewing machine can have.  Then again, it’s not like a car . . it can be easily fixed .  if i had a good machine I was thinking i could make matching pillow cases like my sister Kate does and these would really sell at the Saturday market.  It’s less labor intensive than hats and no one else is doing it.  Ivan’s girl Jo El is creating some stiff competition now in the hat arena. Also the idea of making my own skirts and shirts sounds so exciting . . . I used to love to make my own clothes . . you can really establish your own style.  Also . . .I could make a nice ribbon shirt.  yesterday i wanted to kick the Mr. out . . today, Im thinking ribbon shirt.  Its amazing what a little pot can do.  I have to keep in mind that Darrell was drinking a lot of hard liqour for two months in south Dakota, and so was i(only beer and wine) while he was gone. Now we are not drinking.  Darrell likes his pot, but while we were sick of course he didn’t have it and that made him more onery than he usually is post pot.

I was thinking yesterday about how unaddressed addiction is what is responsible for the poor choices that happened the day my money came in and put me back where I am now.  i was supposed to be in out patient and i was doing O.K. for a while but then i started missing, and drinking, I felt bad about it but i was in a state of mind where i was thinking it didnt matter, there would be no consquenses. i didnt have a job to go to.  i was on my own with no one to answer to . . . if i had continued with the program i think my community status would have improved instead of taking a turn down into renewed attack and derogatory charecterization. perhaps the drinking was a response to all that . . but the point is I made a choice to hold on to addictive thinking . . not just in regards to liqour but to Darrell wether that thinking be good, or bad . . . the drinking and the addiction to Darrell, good and bad, is terribly emeshed. and that is what brought me where i am now . . my faliure to take those positive steps that everyone else in my group seemed to be doing . . that is, to embrace a spiritual way of living, with humor and practical advice.  it’s the same thing that happend in Florida.  I came back with good resolve . . . but found an excuse not to attend A.A and return to negative thinking . . . oh they were biased against me ect . . . .it seems i had become addicted to a pattern of negativity, a tit for tat reason to be perpetually sore . . . . in this case there were consequenses and that was my friendship with Dana.  When she called me and asked me to fork over all my money to a car she’d picked out that threatened my addict who was eager to drink as much as she wanted without consequence. My anger at her was really anger at her having other plans when my addiction was chomping at the bit and waiting for the holiday to start.  My addiction to Darrel lis what over rode all commen sense when it came to sending him money and stuff to South Dakota, he didnt need it.  he was awash in Cobell money . . . but it sent a message.  Now we are making more rational choices.  Sick and Onery that we are again stuck in this unhealthy bond of addictions that flucuate between us.

So i cant blame anyone but myself for  not taking the things I needed to take seriously . . seriously.  Its not like my couselor didnt try to help me and she was good . . . i could have been down in the peninsula, at Olala right now.  the cash would be sitting in the bank waiting for me and i would have had plenty iof time to think about what i wanted to do with the rest of my life.

I still have choices. If i stay here . . a sewing machine would be a good idea.  I think the pillow case idea is a good one.  I still have enough to move on . . i could stay at a mission or something for a while and save up . bob says theres a cheap place in Eugene . . no work down there but then Im on S.S.A and that’s not that important now.  But do i want to go to Eugene?  It’s a little gentler i think.  I could travel if i wanted to. or get a cheap car.   I could just go to oregon and visit for a while.  i would need some one to look after the pets . . the birds too were not a wise thing to buy . . . now i have a jealous cat and a real problem if i want to leave.  I could always give the birds away, no problem around here . . but finding a home for rosey would be a real problem.  And then there’s Darrell.

Right now, I want to cut down on expenses, live just as if I had nothin and think a bit, meanwhile Im going to stay clean and continue to work out at the YMCA and try to revitalize  . . .dress nicer, read more.  I just started reading chomsky’s latest book . . .its sort of a collection of older lectures. Im really caught up in the america unearthed series on t.v. . . perhaps now is the time to do some research into topics that interest me.  i should study up more on the Idle no more . . many other things.  I should be thinking about vocational rehab right now . . but first,the karen rehab.

(later) I found a sewing machine on craig’s list for a very reasonable price and ive decided to get it.  I also have my eye on a car for about 1700 . . .563102_10200794063113683_751853763_n   it has some miles but it was owned by a little old lady who treated it gentle. I want to check it out. and of course bring the price down.  I know, i know, never buy a car with more than 70 thou miles on it . . . but its worth looking at if what the ownder is saying is true.    I am feeling bad now for not taking dana’s advice . . but Darrell insists that cars are easy to come by and the best way to is drive the countryside, areas like Lynden and look for cars in the front yard for sale.  Also . . he will be getting a chunk of dough in May.  i will check it out.

23

I think i will pass on the car, although the owner is bringing it around for a test drive today.  Too many miles, even if it is in good condition.  Worked out hard at the gym last night, and Im going to do the same today.  A good breakfast this morning of brown rice, granola and flax ceral and grapefruit. chicken later today. Darrell has started drawing a little.  His style is different now than it was last year . . .cartoon indians rather than animals.  I will photograph them when they’re finished.

Im thinking this morning about something Ive been seeing around here that disturbs me alot . . and that is the desire for people to put the people closest to them in pschiatric care and more than that in mentle hospitals. In a nut shell . . to pathologize family members and others.  Ive seen a couple of examples recently that bothered me.  A woman was on the phone a few days ago making covert plans to get her son placed . . when her son walked up and said Mom, what’s wrong she didn’t have anything to say about it, didn’t tell him.  I hear about what an alchoholic he is, what a problem, how he cant come in because he’s drunk but ive not seen him drunk . . every time ive seen him he’s been solictious of his Mom’s well being, and quiet.  Then there’s Demarcus . . .what a story went on there.  He is bound for prison now because Dana pressed charges ( the story about who pressed charges kept  changing and confused me) . Apparently he was riding around in her car with some woman after making a copy of her key and she called the police. One of the last time i talked with her she told me she had wanted the police to put De Marcus in a mentle institution.  This is her lover, who she had shortly before the incident tried to seperate from with the help of police. .  Even my own father was one of those guys who always wanted to put some one in his family in a mentle institution . . . This whole momentum in our society to have people pathologized when they become a nuiscence, when they dont tow the status Qou line is really scary . . its been scarier in the past and many, many people are hip to this and adept at avoiding this snare . . . .but it IS disturbing to see how readily people will take the people closest to them and lock them up,either with the aid of law of the psychiatric industry.  I feel that i have permanently snared myself by following Dana’s guidance only to see what happend to Demarcus, too late . . and how readily she turned on me ( after id given her a several hundred dollar leather coat) when i refused to be dictated to further.

Tuesday

I have a sewing machine now, and a nice new livingroom chair for a total of 45 dollars.  Holding off on the car . Darrell says he will get up to 5000 in April or May.  We had a talk last night after he announced that he had had enough and was going to head out to California.  i think he just wanted to get me to cry and tell him he was mean.  then he quit being mean .  We got our shipment of desk calendars yesterday evening . . they came out NICE!!

There was a blackout from the storm night before last and all of yesterday. With no noise we dreamed up a storm of our own.

“Great biog spider!!” Darrell muttered. “and a great big web.”  then” ohhhh . . . he’s a dangerous one.  He’ll shoot you! . . . we need some little ponies there.”

No gardens of time for Karen.  No journalling either and I did wonder, with my conspiracy alert on high, whether something was up and whether our computers were down for a reason. I have had that feeling for a couple of days now . . . I dont want to go into why.  When I made the comment last week about the worst collective hate crime in american history i did not elaborate . . nor do i really want to now, only to say that i was not refering to just the trip to Seattle in 98 . . that was nothing compared to what followed at the hands of the mainstream for many, many years..  Perhaps i need to recount it again instead of leaving the door wide open for smug ready explainations for something that was sickening and indefensible.

I note that the Nation, no great admirer of yours truely, has had some articles about the mysogany and xenophobia at the Oscars . . . its not just crazy karen who sees this.  There’s a whole lot more I can say but I will get off on a tangent that will take up too much of my time.  Darrell and i are getting along fine this morning . . even the kitty jumped in bed to greet us this morning .  We are staying clean and every day now our lives are getting a little better, the messes get cleaned up . . .went to war on cockroaches, and now carpet cleaning time.

28th  jesus, almost march!  ordered some Shetland yarns . . can’t get that here in town, and am steadily working on things homebound.  I note that Yvonne is not communicating any more . . but Rhonda is chatty now and that’s good.  Going to the gym every day and staying clean.  Darrell too.  Have many projects now.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: