January 2013

16 01 2013

KarenClassic My Space, where I used to do my blogging, has switched over to new My Space, a format for musicians.  It is good for music, and musicians, but not for what i used to use My Space for . .I have a lot of material stashed in the classic My Space and I guess I will have to start archiving it over here.

Today is the 16th of January, cold as hell in the early mornings where I come down to the computers to do facebook, play games, or occasionally blog.

I am looking forward to writting again, come what may . . and it will.  Much to write about.  The Sandy Hook controversy, gun controll and speculations on a pattern of black ops. Alex Jones being made to look like a ridiculous and dangerous pscho clown on t.v. . . . not that he has any public skills that go very far to refute that , an easy thing to do .  and then there’s the Idle No More movement.  My own personal life and loss, touch on these controversial topics, so i must be aware that now is a time when too much writting about things close to my experience, and my heart could be seen as a special  threat . . .

i will however,have time and a base income to really engage in writting again, not just cursory reports of current emotional states.

and I will.

January journal 2013 (brought over from My Space)

January 6

Dreaming at night again, and cleaning my place , bleaching out all the grimey and odiferous places . . . .working on online resumes and business stuff today, checking out jobs.
dont expect s.s.i to get straightened out and i must do something . . . i should have gone to Olala by now but i guess Ill have to arrange that myself.
A sudden surge of negativity around here on the heels of my gardens of time adventures . . . I had too much fun? i suppose doing facebook is way that ‘the bitch’ tries to get people to like her . . like itse not the real me . . . . maybe it is the real me . . . .being playfull . . . .locked away too long . . . because im supposed to be the whining and suffering introverted one totally in reaction to ‘the joy of hate’ or something.
it was good to talk to Darrell today. he is sick from drinking so much right now. The good news is that his cobell money didnt come in after all . . not yet, so there’s hope . . .i though he wasted it all . . . while i tried to live on so little . . . my thoughts on this were confused but not as angry as they have been in the past, more resigned to the perpetual unfairness of life as the normal condition and outcome . . . but i still have my inner world, . . .
i have been thinking of Idle no more lately . . . I just doesnt have the public appeal that the Indian movement did back in the 70’s . . . that’s because it involves the leasing of lands and boring technical stuff that just doesnt hold an audience the way the old stuff did. .but the issues are related, the way tribal decision making is gradually, inperceptibly becoming more centralized and expidited and sneaky requiring a smaller and smaller in put from the people themselves, that is what Darrell’s cousin is fighting. . what the Salazar settlements are about . . . ive known a little bit about the struggle over lands illegally gotten for a long time . . back in 2000 or so when Gail what’s her name under the bush administrtion was under fire.
Im surprised that so many people have been protesting the way they have been.
I have been thinking too about many of the new finds in archeology and science . . . and my newest cant wait program . . the fringe. Into science fiction.

Wednesday
Not such a mess any more . . . I have so much to sort out, Im still not actively grieving . . . i suppose compulsive, obsessive gaming is way of coping with great changes and losses.
Not feeling to great about myself, and when you feel that way it’s hard to get motivated.
Today i have a job lead to follow. i updated the Linked In accounts yesterday and went for a swim . . also got that record of payments from unemployment ( finally) that i need to run over to the social security office so they can fix this error they’ve made . . but im expecting nothing, so
if work comes my way i will take it. checked with kathy and the Olal is still a go . . just taking time. Darrell is sticking around South Dakota for a while . . .there’s a second big payment, he was talking about 8000 bucks or so he’s expecting . . the amount of the payment (s) he is always waiting on keeps going up. wouldnt it be great if they got their sshit straightened out and we got our windfalls next month!! We could take off in some second hand car . . and f this crap here that’s been bringing me down for soooooo long.
My Gardens of time fantasy world is moving along, Im doing some serious building now . . .all excited about the forbidden temple complex project. I have aClittle Saturday market in one corner of my ‘outer’ village with vendors and stalls and crops, fruit and meat . . . then a cosmo corner . . . i refuse to let go of my spacious chinese gardens to make room for big buildings just to HAVE them, so much goes into storage . . . and I have the roman empire on one whole wall too . . with straight roads and the roman legions on their way out . . i decided id rather have them on the way out ratherthan in . . . . ready to cross the rubicon . . .don’t know why this makes me laugh to myself . . . i suppose its my having fun with my thoughts on american empire . . . and i havent let go of my desert scene in ancient egypt either . . . most people get bored and move on out and put their egypt stuff in storage . . but i decided to keep my desert the way it is, although i populated it with a bunch of camels which made me laugh . I wonder what this says about my pschology . . . each of my colonized states has a differnt style to it too, although i dont put nearly the amount of planning and thought into them . . they are after all, just my subjects, only there to feed my empire ambitions.
Darrell’s garden however I have made into a big park that he would like to hang out in, with lots of benches for his friends.

i intend to populate it with critters . . and a casino. there’s some Old West type stuff i can purchase later as the game goes on . . a saloon or two he might like,also some totem poles and stuff . ..but that’s way down the line unless i outright buythem which i might, just for kicks. yes . . .i have retreated into a world of my own imagination . . fragmented perhaps into imaginary playmates . . . .while i , the concious self, the united fruit of multiple personalty gardens of time games . . . run the show

wEDNESDAY
Well my fine bike was stolden last week . . which really brought me down to a feeling of powerlessness. But today . . an old aqquantance i met at the grocery store offered to give me one of his and fix up my piece of shit spare bike (old Raleigh, but not safe) . Also I finished up bringing in documents for social security offuice and they straightened it all out. Starting February 1st i will reieve the full amount . . . YIPPIE!

(WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME i HAD A HAPPY FACE ON)

no back payments though, punishment for past over payments. Im going to be O.K. now . . . . really, truely . . . its a pretty baseline income . . . . but
Im going to be O>K> from here on out one way or the other . .

.

Saturday

idle no morestanding up to . . .
watched some videos about the idle no more . . . it’s more encompassing then it was when it started, with more of a universal appeal of coming together for a new approach to living.( Like Obama’s message??) More specific than the new age stuff in its focus, but not quite as limited as old aim in its grievances.
but what do i know . . .Im blowing it out my ass . . ..perhaps its just a reshuffling, a facelift of sorts. it certinaly has energized a lot of people. I note that the Queen reminded the world that england still controlls canada. But i don’t see too much attention being paid to it around here.
I removed some of at the palaces in my Gardens of time world. Put centers of Imperial might, Buckingham and Versaills in storage and replaced it with a casino, a little fun. I kept rome though, just for fun. The European presence in my world is represented by Parisian lifestyle , a place with some grace and good eats. China has become the dominant power and dominates my gardens.
I put a casino in Darrell’s gardens as well and put his first building, Buckingham palace, in storage . I had to put some world wonder in his garden to get started . . .but now its as it should be in Darrell’s park, with a casino in the construction and a minimum of urban planning, birds hanging out , lots of trees, benches . They don’t have any hobos in gardens of time . . wouldn’t that be funny . . . add two hobos to your garden for 140 pieces of silver . . .under ‘decorations’, they could have 2-11 cans too. sleeping bags. trash bins. campsites. How about an occupy encampment?? and some crazy people. There’s no people’s movements to be found in Garden’s of time at all . . in, fact, ther’s very few people at all,much less in mass . . except vendors. when i get some money in the bank i put a few lonely guys feeding pigeons and reading newspapers in Darrel’s park, maybe some chinese kids flying kites or english kids dancing around a maypole . . he would like that. also some foxes, and some deer and other critters . . . oddly, it’s easier to get Buckingham Palace than it is to get foxes and deer, not to mention totem poles and Canadian cedar houses.
I am feeling so relieved, like a big weight has been lifted from me knowing I will have a gauranteed income, albiet not much, but then ive never needed much. I can always work partime
and of course really spend some time on my projects and home businesses now. i can also get some vocational training.
2013 is going to be a much much better year thanlast, and the the year before, and the year before that . . . I am free now, to be whom i ought.
I have been feeling badly about my relationship with Darrell . . . but it will sort itself out . I ought not to mess withhis facebook now . . .quit trying todirect him. he doesnt sound unhappy, he has family back there . . . .unlike me. but then . . Ive always been alone i guess.

Wednesday
Dang!! i do NOT like this shift over to new my space!! I can seem to be able to move my old stuff over . . and that’s a lot of stuff!! Just when i started using the music features. No more blogging? Im being blocked on all fronts!!
Well . . my gardens of time thing is on ice . . . some one has been reporting me everytime i make a friend request . . . but i don’t know who?? That’s really hostile .. . .I mean, people can just ignore friend requests, i certinaly do all the time when they appar . . or if they ar so histile why don’t they just send me a message and tell me to knock it off. How can I descern who it is that is getting me in troulbe for ‘multiple friend requests’ if i dont know who that person is? It must be some one on my regular ‘friend’ list . . but who?? One of the reasons i did up those alter egos on gardens of time was to build a network of gamers , just for the purpose of playing gardens . . . . because i didn’t want to bother people like Velma and other activists on my reular friend list with
the gaming.
What to do about this!! ive been blocked for a week.
I’ve been picking up on some bad stuff lately . . ever since Darrell left actually. it might have to do with posting’conspiracy’ related utubes and articles . . . . like questions about the aurora shooting. It might be related to something else. I stash a lot of videos to run through through at my leasure . Doesnt mean i accept all the theories,but i want to hear them . . . and the possibility of black ops should never be supressed in public discourse. i was never a conspiracy person untill i saw what was being done to me . . . in my quest to understand it i searched out other topics over the years.
the karen’conspiracy’ was real . . . . despite the peice of shit exposed stuff that was presented as truth . . .
I had some ups and downs lately with my s.s.a money . . . looks like I will be starting it in February . . but they are taking out 150 dollars a month for back payments on an over payment.
Darrell sounded sad and brought down by booze when i managed to call him last night. I don’t understand it . . he says he thinks of me, that he loves me,yet he is always in a hurry to get off the phone and he never calls on his own. when i mention that Id tried to call he just makes ‘fauck that’ dismissive kinds of noises . . .so i guess they’ve all huddled up and decided i am a contemptable piece of shit or something, the one to blame. Mixed messages.
Even kathy did not pull through when it came to getting me into Olala . . i already did the assessment for that and she was sopposed to be arranging that . . but never did. Now my insurance has changed and i dont think it will cover Olalla. i have been busy with some beadwork and despite the efforts of some people to make me feel unhappy, unwanted,unliked . . . i have not been as unhappy as i have been. Darrell will eventually be coming back this way . . it’s only a question of when.
I am worried about him. i can’t do anything to make him feel better. If he’s he’s smearing me, as he usually does when drinking in South Dakota, there is nothing i can do to stop that from continue to radiate out.
the day will never come when I am treated with the basic respect i ought to be. it has gradually gotten worse . . not better with time around here. yet I’ve done nothing to deserve that kind of labeling . . . they are still categorizing me as someon who sleeps around, when ive been monogamist with darrell since 1997. that’s a long time. it is especially bad here in the building, and in Lummi . . . ive gotten some hatefull phone calls. I wonder if the media did another ‘exposing the awfull karen’ thing again. Even around here, when i come and play on the computers i hear comments like; “if only people could see themselves the way others see them’ . . as if i dont brow beat myself enough in the privacy of my own heart for my failings, the instability, the laziness, the drinking bouts, the temper and so on.
ive also been an incredibly hard worker much of the time. And i made a home for darrell at my own risk and strain . I spent a lot of time and money on making him happy. and bringing his art to others. We live in evil times . . .

thursday 18th

Im  off to command staffing. I need to get some kind of money together.  I hope my poor hips can hold up.  Turned off the t.v. and retired with Jesus a life last night . . . .interesting book.  Woke to a hateful email this morning but I’m more shocked and irratated than hurt.  Gun legislation being pushed through by executive order . . . huge controversy over this but no time to write on it. There really ARE some suspicious things about both Aroura and Sandy . . .whether or not our government , or people in our government are capable of carrying out black ops like this remains to be seen.  I personally don’t know . . but i believe they are fully capable of it.  They better hope it isn’t so.  I think it would be pretty hard to stage such a coordinated theater as the conspiracy people think has happened in Sandy . . that’s too many people . . . .People losing touch with reality in their paranoia is not a recent phenomena . . it’s just now getting some attention.

Friday.  Yose is doing the flea market today and will make room for some of my stuff as well . . i don’t have much. Some of my neighbors are cool.  . One of my not too cool  neighbors made a complaint to the housing authorities about noise n the early mornings and i got a notification. Why now when Im so quiet and studious these days.

This is persecution . . .or some ones craziness , and the guy next to me is quite crazy and angry all the time . . . i generally get up between 3 and 4 30, make some coffee then head downstairs and grab the computers downstairs while no one is up yet.  I spend a couple of hours there so how could i be making noise in the off hours ?? Im not drinking and i don’t have guests,except Dana. Now the question is why is there such a intensification of this stuff all of a sudden?? There is the possibility that this so called complaint is old and only now are  the housing authorities dusting it off for some purpose.

Talked with Yolanda, Darrell’s niece yesterday . . she seems nice and willing to talk with me. i guess the non drinking brother Darrell was staying with was picked up by the police so Darrell is staying with his other  brother who has had drinking problems and almost died of liver problems last year.  i guess they are drinking nonstop together . . . that’s alarming news.  Does Jim want to take Darrell with him?? Misery loves company.  Yolanda was as concerned for her Dad as I was for Darrell.

Just that little bit of civility and inclusion from Yolanda really made the dark mists go away . . .We are going to have to reach out to Darrell in some way.I think I will go for a long hike today and practice with my camera and send him shots via email. I have no way of doing up any art work for him.

I got an email from camp Firwood about a possible job . . .at their Chalet at the ski resort.  That would be great if it happened.

(later) well i can’t open my messages on gardens of time and i note, neither can Darrell and they are piling up . . our wings have been clipped!! Can’t up grade anything or ask for materials . . or connect with friends.  I wonder if the last point is the significant one.  what purpose would that serve and for who.  i can think of a lot of people, for a lot of reasons but have no time to go into now.  yose is heading out to flea marke and i need to go fetch my hats and beading for his booth.

Saturday

Interview being set up with the Firs. The message center in gardens of time is working now . . . but i notice that Darrell’s photos in facebook has been edited in some way so that although anyone can look at these photos I cannot enter any new ones under his name.  That represents a lot of work and a point of pride with me . . .I don’t understnad why that would be resented, it was a good thing, it brought his art to a lot of people . . unless the message is thanks for the pics and stuff  but any further involvement or controll is now wrested from you . . . I need to try that from another computer an see if there is a block on these  computers here only.  i tried to send Darrell some pics the other day of his friends and his favorite spots but i couldn’t upload them into his albumns.  Darrell may have requested this himself . . . i don’t know, or it may not originate from Indian country at all.  it’s obvious the computers are being hacked.  Friends tell me I am ‘under investigation” these tricks seem more like the elite than anything to do with Idle no more and Indian country. Like chaining some one to the food tree and then giving and withholding food, jerking the chain . . .but Im not sure. My chain is being jerked that’s for sure . . .Gardens of time imagianary friends blocked, friend requests reported and blocked, money matters being given, then changed and changed again . . picking me up and then dropping me . . . . . .as if there were a sadistic hand behind it . . . or is it just the expression of popular sentiment in the wake of Darrell and i splitting up. A revenge thing.

The idle no more are going up against the British  these days . . .  That is their war right now . . I try to stay out of all that at this time.   I mean , Gardens of time is sooo f ing dangerous . . it could really compromise things.  it’s the friends requests that are the problem . . the making contact with all sorts of people, that’s the problem.  That sounds like government . . . the classic isolate, cut off and cut down.Well it was fun while it lasted.

My days are emtpy. I haven’t any decent beads  or yarns to work with and I have no money to go and do anything. Crippled  Gardens of time limps along but i am no longer having a blast with my funny alter egos . . . . nooooooo sense of humor these people!!   Well, what am i supposed to do?  Working on Darrell’s art business wasn’t good enough . . made’m mad . . had to taken away.  Darrell has been taken away. Just about everything I tried to do has been taken away. Even my play.  Not entirely.

Darrell has a casino now in Gardens of time.  I pulled Prince Albert Hall and some of  the palaces and stuff out of his storage and put them out for a spell so i can upgrade them and get some points . . . then back into storage those ugly buildings  shall go. I am keeping my technological civilization to a minimum.    Meanwhile I put in a panda park with some bamboo and a river.  In the opposite corner I am putting in a farm with some apple trees.  It ll be a couple of weeks before i can add the foxes, saloons,gunslingers,  bears, deer and horses. there is one thing i cannot find in decorations or buildings and that’s a public restroom or  an out house.  There are NO bathrooms of any kind, anywhere. why build such a nice garden with rivers and pandas and fountains if you have you crap it all  up out in the bamboo? i guess the one at the Casino will have to do. These aren’t Indian casinos either.  You’d think they would be . . Gardens of time isnt that old a game. Im not sure who to put in Darrel’s park .  . I put in a few vendors so he could eat . . . and there’s a cool hot dog stand  that can be bought down the line . . . but there  are no Indians, and no Black people to be found in gardens of time, even in the Africa section.  India and the Far East are well represented however . Maybe the game was  made in China.  I sure wish they had a couple of ‘bucks’ port a pottys  . . . . .not even a liqour store ,Not to mention a convenience store.  that’s how much THEY care!!

boadwalk to Fairhaven boat in the baykayaker on the bay 1-20-13

Monday 21st

Went hiking yesterday. There was a haze over the mountains and a beautifull blue cast to the calm waters of the bay. it made for a great afternoon.

I got a kick out of the pic that was posted with the bear standing up with a Idle no more sign and blocking a truck. the photo came out of  Italy. here in america the world was watching as Darrell, charecterized as the bear stood up to ‘the bitch.’   The media had great sport with this.  people here in Bellingham were reassured by Darrell that Indians dont mess with regular people they just go after the one who is ‘the problem’, the threat to the family, the people.  . So people in town gave Darrell a thumbs up (are you in?) .  some of that imagry has carried over . . but this situation in Canada is serious business by comparison, they are opposing a conservative government which is passing bills that threaten soveirnty and environment. In this case ,standing up to the bitch has a different meaning . . it means Great Britian.  now unlike the popularity of Mr. Bear standing up to the bitch, karen . . . people here in Bellingham are not at all swept up by this movement. I know that NPR has had some coverage of it . . the one i listened to was critical of tactics, saying it could hurt Indiginous people.The same NPR crowd that supported this shit against me . . loved the idea of karen ‘exposed’ . . . don’t like it now when the enemy is them. Americans are pschotic in comparison to Canadians.  You can bet Great Britian isn’t fooling around either . . . that’s why i withold much of my opinion and stay out of it . . . native people don’t want me connected with it any way.  it’s called ‘the big picture.’  I support it . . . though privately i refer to it as addle no more . .

I have added a death theme to my Gardens of time . . . ever since they killed off 4 of my imaginary friends, or alter egos . . id become attached to them, Da Dreaded, Scribbles, Breezy, Barney . . . .(sound like reindeer) although I can still view their gardens as they were when they were killed off i cannot enter them now.  so I built a graveyard in my victorian suburban  area, along with a bog monster, a boogey man.  i made a distinct burial district in my valley of the kings regions of some of my other imagianry friends  and brought my Arubis out of storage.  Violence too has entered my Garden of Eden . . the appearance of two gunslingers shooting it out. I gave Darrells garden  a cookie shop and put the upgraded palaces back  into storage for a spell.  yesterday was the first good day, really good day . . my spirit expanded outward again in wonder and enjoyment . some people looked at me funny . . but not much, I am no longer an item and most people have written me off as defined by media.  I have felt as if the spirit had left me . . without soul.  I shot some pics for Darrell and posted them to cheer him up . . and with the return of active love, wether it is recieved or not, something came back . . as i came back to my apartment building i saw an eagle circling above my building.  Ive never seen that before.

Today is Thursday.the 24th.2013.

The t.v. has been shut off. Comcast would not give me an extention untill the 1st.  My phone is now out of minutes.  I lost the book ‘Jesus,a life” I was reading.

Now my camera is out of batteries and jammed too.  I have however done up 5 beaded keychains and I  don’t mind the quiet.  Just will have to pick up another book for a while.  Chief Spence has ended her hunger strike and some agreement has been reached. i was pretty skeptical about wether the hunger strike would have any effect, but I guess i was wrong.

One of my real friends i play Gardens with sent me this message yesterday:

“Well, Karen, I can’t play ‘Gardens in Time’ anymore because you’ve got it blocked. You see, you are so fast, noone can beat your speed and now we can’t go back and replay scenes to pick up crystals. You now have a monopoly and I’m stopped at every turn. Guess you’ll be playing alone now…I wonder if the designers of the game thought this all through?”

that just seems crazy to me.  Actually Im not that fast,it’s just that I often beat this friend in challenges and I guess she’s a sore loser. This is the first time in recent history that ive been unfriended for being too smart . . a Bellingham 1st.

There is a lot i am trying to sort out in my mind these past two months but i hesitate to write it out at this point . . . . i find myself replaying my history with Darrell a lot, trying to figure out how i feel about it and what really happened, what i did wrong, what others did wrong .what will i do if he comes back? do i want this?  is life in Bellingham endurable now that all is ashes?  Will life at Lincoln square with out something greater drive me mad? totally mad?

(later) so many videos and links have been blocked on the web recently.  Reports of things dissapearing like crazy . . . stuff related to Sandy Hook, and videos of alien autopsis . Even Cenk.   I read some aricles on:  http://theintelhub.com/2013/01/21/ssdi-death-index-sandy-hook-shooter-adam-lanza-died-one-day-before-school-massacre/

that scared the crap out of me. I had difficulty with the concept of a staged shooting and no real deaths . . . but intelhub has come up with some disturbing proofs of Lanza death registration in S.SA  and about the nuns and most disturbing of all . . .the memorials posted BEFORE the shooting.  it does look like a black opps  . . to push for gun legislation. I have no doubt of the ruthlessness of this administration, what they did to me was proof enough of the lenghths they were prepared to go in the pursuit of their goals.    i was in favor of tighter gun restrictions . . despite what i know about Clinton and Oklahoma . . . but I AM becoming increasingly convinced of criminal operatives being enacted against American people to disarm Americans opposed to government controll.  Fast and Furious is proof enough for me of the hypocrasy on this matter about the safety of innocent citizens. Interesting are some of th irish posts on the matter . . .

Friday

Despite the competiton accusation , Dana and i got together and had coffee. her place is awesome, filled with art and nice things from all over the world . . a cultural anthropogy showcase. We talk about big topics, interesting things . . so despite the little red flags that go up sometimes, this is a friend i value.  She donated a  small wood computer desk to my redecorating project.  I  began a complete overhaul of the apartment yesterday starting with the removal of my big desk and old computer. made some repairs around the apartment, re arranged some furniture but there is so much accumulated junk that this will take a long while.  i want to get a nice couch to replace the love seat I have and i plan to frame up the art works of Darrells Im going to keep on the walls and put the rest in archives for him.  Limbo has ended. I have a goal ahead of me. Life beckons.  No word from Darrell . . there is a lot going on in S.D right now . . .native peoples have scored some significant victories this week.  Astonishing.  It will inspire.  This is what power fears most . . .why they are building those underground hideaways . . preparing for the day the people take back their power.

Saturday

i recieved another letter informing me that i would recieve al that back pay on the 26th and sure enough it’s in my account this morning. Today is going to be a fun day . . . .no, Im not going to waste it on gardens of time gold. Not much any way. or alchohol either.   Im waiting for the sun to come up . . . never have the hours of waiting been so rlentlessly long.  My immediate goals are a decent haircut and a monthly membership at the Y.M.C.A, comcast, phone and rent payed off and then my attention turns once again towards my concern for Darrell.

I have heard through the grape vine that that family is headed full force into personal destruction. I guess Dallass robbed his brother Curtis of his Cobell money and now is on the run with no one in that family to take him in.  Jim and Darrell went on a drinking spree and Jim became ill when he and Darrell encountered a bad spirit out in the boondocks that scared the crap out of them. Jim is in the hospital since then with a heart problem.  it’s funny . . ive been sensing something like that and have wanted desperately to send something encouraging Darrell’s way to beat back the powers of evil and despair.  Something to make him laugh.P ics of some of his favorite spots, letters . . .Now perhaps i can do something . . .if i can reach him.  Still trying to rescue the man despite all the cold shouldering and rejection  the past few months.  I am in the process of ‘upgrading’ things at my apartment and got some of his art ready to frame.  Today i will print some stuff off  for him and get cards ready to make .  I may send him a phone too . . should i send a trac or invest in android or something.  Im going to have Dana help me look for a beater with a heater . . they have auto auctions down in Seattle all the time.  I forgot where though.  it is possible to get a good running car for 500 dollars . . or less.  I keep thinking about buying towels . . . how bourgeoisie.  would nt it be nice to have matching towels. so do it karen . . .what’s a towel or two . . its better than drinking.

Still i feel so empty . . . although i have some money now and have reasonable plans . . . I haven’t the fun of taking darrell out to celebrate.

Sunday

i think yesterday was one of the best and worst days for me, emotionally.  Getting my money brought me up, all full ofdreams . . ive been so long without it.

i payed some bills. put some on my phone and a phone card for Darrell. Called him and pledged to send him a little.  Dana called. she’s been scouting for a car and found one for about 3000 . . i appreciated the effort, b ut my emotions were running high a and i told her i didnt want to rush into a decision.  i knew the car was a good idea but it would have taken everything I had.  i wasnt sure of my plans . . i had the sneaking feeling that it was a nice ticket out of town . . enough to make a move, but i wanted to shop a little too.  When she kept telling me “Hey Im the sane one here” I took it as derogatory and told her simply “That’s very derogatory.  this conversation is ended.”  I didnt want to fight, or say something i regretted  . . something had really pushed my buttones so i walked away, i thought, with dignity and no hurtfull words in reply.  however i recieved some nasty messages from her about how she saw how Iwas now, how i treated people . . . .so i let the friendship go.  it upset me greatly.  And despite the fun things i did shopping, i was upset and ended up getting really drunk last night. It WAS derogatory . . .couldnt she see how that would hurt some one . . . i guess she strikes out at people when she cant boss them.   i saw that in her . . but there were other qualities i liked so i ignored the red flags.  I started seeing a lot of red flags however . . and kept stashing them . . I guess the comment about Im the sane one here just brought it all to the surface.  Im glad i kept my dignity and walked away rather than say something i would regret later . . i didnt really want to end the friendship, i was just mad and wanted to cool down untill i was thinking rationalloy.  That’s a hallomark of sanity i think.

Monday

i see that Dana deleted me from her gardens of time friends.  I think what Im dealing with here is jealousy.    I know deep down inside that I am no good at buying cars and her advice was probably good . . but she wanted me to take her advice then and there and i had just gotten my money and didnt want to spend it all right away. I might want to re establish myslef somewhere with the money.ive been picking up on some things that tell me something is brewing . . .some one made come comment about how she is preparing emotionally.  that tells me something bad is in the making.  what?  More revenge?  I know darrell is telling everyone i treated him like shit . . but then, hes been doing that for a long time.  Carol tells however hat i was really good to him.  its what people believe that becomes reality, and people will believe whatever they want to believe.

i havent spent a huge amount, it was fun for a day to be cavilier . . i bought a stockpile of yarn to keep me busy untill the market opens . . and a couple of parakeets, a hair cut, some gardens of time upgrade,some towels and food,and a night of drinking.  Today however, Im going to ge back over to the swimming pool and get it together.  Lost my phone.  Well i seem to have lost everyone in my li8fe now . . .my terrible charecter or something, How i ‘treat’ people . . .I would have called Dana back and apologized for reacting so strongly . . but she reacted to my ending the phone conversation with cjarecter assasination and anger . . .she didnt say congratulations on getting the windfall, or say she was sorry for insulting me when i wouldnt let her boss me . . .so i quess that animosity must have been there in the wings all the time . . does she have a pattern of destroying the people I wonder.  perhaps its for the best then.  Yup . . big bad . . ogre karen. I need to keep some in the bank in case of any family emergencies . . . Mom is not doing very well and i fear that awfull day will come sooner than i think.. I must wruite to her in the next day or two.

later.  Well I added all the buildings back to Darrell’s gardens for a while, but i have them al consolodated in one area.  perhaps i can build the great wall of china around the palaces.

Wednesday 31,  job interview this afternoon.  Started swimming again yesterday.  Kathy called . it was good to talk to some one in my corner.  Went out to best chopsticks yesterday and had some Kung Poa shrimp . . an older Native man joined me for conversation and talked on on a number of interesting topics, mostly spiritual in nature . . his spiritual journey . . I was running kind of slow however, barely maintaining after my little binge.  I sent Darrell a bunch of money . twice in two days.. . the first bit all got spent on  gambling and booze. so he wanted more . . at least he’s talking to ‘the bitch’. Now i am depressed at how foolishly I am spending money . . .I was already feeling foolish when Dana made that phone call that ended our friendship.  Id called Darrell up to tell him the good news and promised him something . . then i realized that he was awash in cobell money and booze and not at all sad about old kare . . he was having a great old time . I just imagianed he was feeling in despair . . . . what a fool! But Id already promised him some cash to help out so i went ahead as i promised .  it was right after this that Dana called . . . . I was already feeling mad at myself for being so stupid as to tell Darrell I had money at all , much less send him any . . feeling like it was all going to disapear foolishly.  When Dana wanted me to buy that car all i could think was that everyone was going to get every last dime before i had a chanch to enjoy anything, and i struck out.  And right away . . like a self fufilling phrophecy i went out and spent foolishly. An orge of short term self gratification.  I got a membership at the Y, a hair cut, birds, a rug, some flowers and towels . . .then went out drinking which makes  people comment on how crazy and stupid she is . . .

The older indian man i was talking with tells me not to worry . . . there are [plenty of cars to be found for very little.  Despite everything I did spend time yesterday thinking and working on the home business plans. Part of my despression was realizing that all  that had collapsed and with it my sense of purpose and identity .   i started thinking agin yesterday  about how i could invest in building up stock, get cups made up with Darrell’s art.   I would never see any of that return .I would never profit . .But  they would sell like hotcakes . . .  i went ahead and got the stamper, envelopes and sleeves and Im going to go ahead and make up cards as usual. it doesnt cost much and I invested so much of myself over the years in his art that it feels like a part of me.  I will make up card boxes for the Saturday market perhaps.  And Etsy . . post them online.  Darrell wants me to send prints his way too . . for the peeps.  he has everything posted online and he has pay pal . . . there is no reason he shouldnt be able to continue selling on his own. And he has his art supplies.

Well, i have to see how this interview goes today . . its a job ive been waiting for.  However going back to work right now may not be smart . . it would ruin

the continuation of my s.s.a . . . and then I could not go to Olala or down to oregon as planned, Id be stuck here.

 

 


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